K, I already did a post called Bugged, so I needed a new word.
I think I like BUGGERED a bit better, 'cause I'm feeling it a lot lately.
I'm buggered that H and J decided to divorce. I'm buggered that C seems to think I'm responsible for the craziness that he/she experiences. I'm buggered that D is angry with me. I'm buggered that J and B have lost something precious to them. I'm buggered that J doesn't seem interested in talking to me any more. I'm buggered that A never initiates contact. I'm buggered that A and L continue to experience a loss that no one can imagine. I'm buggered that M is so sarcastic on FB.
I'm buggered that I only get hits on my dating profile from 70+ year old men, men who live in Arab nations, or men that are 5'1". NO. LIE.
I'm just buggered. It means I'm bugged and sad and confused and irritated and chuckling all in one word.
Buggered.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
Idle.
Not as in "American Idle" (though you would be spelling it wrong if you thought that).
As in TIME TO STOP BEING Idle.
Last week's date has REALLY got me to thinking. How can I expect the Lord to send me "my" guy when I'm not willing to do anything to put myself out there? Being 41, LDS and single is not the easiest market to put myself in, yet there are avenues that I have, up to this point, been completely unwilling to travel.
Time to go on a trip.
I purchased a 6-month membership to www.ldssingles.com on Saturday and have signed up for a free membership to www.ldsplanet.com yesterday. I'm not sure what will happen, but I NEED to do my part to TRY to make SOMETHING happen.
I'm uncomfortable doing this. These online things seem to be all about appearances - am I cute enough to warrant a "flirt" or is he handsome enough for me to "smile" at. That's so not me in any way, shape or form.
So I admit I'm rather skeptical at this path, yet I KNOW there are many, MANY success stories of those who have gone this direction (along with the success stories I've also heard many horror stories - trying to go positive here). But I'm doing it with an open mind and heart, and a LOT of prayer.
I just wanna date and learn to socialize again. Please pray that I find that ability (and maybe a "he" in the process)...
As in TIME TO STOP BEING Idle.
Last week's date has REALLY got me to thinking. How can I expect the Lord to send me "my" guy when I'm not willing to do anything to put myself out there? Being 41, LDS and single is not the easiest market to put myself in, yet there are avenues that I have, up to this point, been completely unwilling to travel.
Time to go on a trip.
I purchased a 6-month membership to www.ldssingles.com on Saturday and have signed up for a free membership to www.ldsplanet.com yesterday. I'm not sure what will happen, but I NEED to do my part to TRY to make SOMETHING happen.
I'm uncomfortable doing this. These online things seem to be all about appearances - am I cute enough to warrant a "flirt" or is he handsome enough for me to "smile" at. That's so not me in any way, shape or form.
So I admit I'm rather skeptical at this path, yet I KNOW there are many, MANY success stories of those who have gone this direction (along with the success stories I've also heard many horror stories - trying to go positive here). But I'm doing it with an open mind and heart, and a LOT of prayer.
I just wanna date and learn to socialize again. Please pray that I find that ability (and maybe a "he" in the process)...
Friday, December 9, 2011
Date.
I miss dating. I miss the butterflies in the tummy wondering if this guy could possibly be fun enough to warrant another date. I miss having a purpose to get a little "readier" than normal.
I had a date on Wednesday night. I thoroughly enjoyed having the car door opened for me by a very good-smelling man.
I enjoyed the conversation to and from our party that we went to.
I enjoyed having a person there who was there to be with me. We played games and shot baskets and shot down pirates (the date was at Dave and Busters), all together. I wasn't ever left alone.
I enjoyed the fact that the conversation that started in the car continued long after we pulled back up to his house and that I didn't get home until midnight.
I enjoyed the fact that there was a reason to stay up so late on a "school" night.
I had a blast on this date. The guy is a good friend of mine and though we've known and seen and talked to each other a lot through the years, this was the only time we've actually been on a date.
And it was nice. A really nice date.
I want another one. Whether it's with this guy or someone else, I want to date again. I used to do it all the time. I found an old calendar of mine the other day. It was a wall calendar that I had in high school. There was the word "date" almost every weekend, sometimes twice a weekend.
I have lost total confidence in myself. I don't put myself "out there" at all any more because frankly, why would anyone want to date a fatty. I know that's harsh, but I've felt that way, continue to feel that way and will probably always feel that way.
I think I feel that way because I haven't dated. This date I had this week was the first one in about two years, and it happened because I asked the guy out. The several that were prior to this were all blind dates. I haven't been asked out by someone because they want to be with me since close to high school. Most dates were set up by someone who knew someone who thought we'd be perfect together.
I enjoy blind dates. I like to meet new people.
But I wanna date. I wanna just be myself and know that the guy I'm with is choosing to be with me. Me. Tara.
I REALLY need to get back on that treadmill...
I had a date on Wednesday night. I thoroughly enjoyed having the car door opened for me by a very good-smelling man.
I enjoyed the conversation to and from our party that we went to.
I enjoyed having a person there who was there to be with me. We played games and shot baskets and shot down pirates (the date was at Dave and Busters), all together. I wasn't ever left alone.
I enjoyed the fact that the conversation that started in the car continued long after we pulled back up to his house and that I didn't get home until midnight.
I enjoyed the fact that there was a reason to stay up so late on a "school" night.
I had a blast on this date. The guy is a good friend of mine and though we've known and seen and talked to each other a lot through the years, this was the only time we've actually been on a date.
And it was nice. A really nice date.
I want another one. Whether it's with this guy or someone else, I want to date again. I used to do it all the time. I found an old calendar of mine the other day. It was a wall calendar that I had in high school. There was the word "date" almost every weekend, sometimes twice a weekend.
I have lost total confidence in myself. I don't put myself "out there" at all any more because frankly, why would anyone want to date a fatty. I know that's harsh, but I've felt that way, continue to feel that way and will probably always feel that way.
I think I feel that way because I haven't dated. This date I had this week was the first one in about two years, and it happened because I asked the guy out. The several that were prior to this were all blind dates. I haven't been asked out by someone because they want to be with me since close to high school. Most dates were set up by someone who knew someone who thought we'd be perfect together.
I enjoy blind dates. I like to meet new people.
But I wanna date. I wanna just be myself and know that the guy I'm with is choosing to be with me. Me. Tara.
I REALLY need to get back on that treadmill...
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Migraines
Hiya.
Yes, I AM alive and I AM a dork for shirking my writing duties. It's been quite a month.
But without boring you with all the minor details (look at my Facebook posts if you are really wondering), I wanna talk about migraines.
I have been getting migraines for about a solid 15 years or so. I get them when the weather is yucky outside (barometric issues), I get them because I'm a girl (oh joy), I get them whenever I cry a lot (thankfully that's not too often these days) and I get them when I have any kind of stress. It all lands in my head.
I have tried every migraine medication there is. I've had an MRI. I've seen a neurologist. I've had acupuncture. I've had my eyes looked at. I've talked to my OB/GYN to help with the female ones (and as a result have been on, of all things, birth control for the past 6-7 years). I've gone to a chiropractor and have tried taking Magnesium. I've discussed them with my family doctor who has got me on a muscle relaxer that I take every night to help the muscles relax in my brain (my worst migraines are when I wake up with them and for the most part, this has helped the most). I've learned what foods trigger my migraines and have completely cut them out of my diet (bananas [didn't like those anyway] and avocados [sob, I LOVE guacamole]). I've stuck my feet in really hot water, hoping to pull the blood away from my brain (my friend does this and swears by it - it made sense to me and I was REALLY hoping it was gonna work).
I just get 'em and there isn't a hard and fast cure/fix for them. The only thing that "helps" is a really dark and cold room and sleep. All so convenient (NOT).
My mom said my Grandma Nelson got migraines that would put her out for three days. Mom said when they came on, Grandma went into her bedroom, locked the door and no one could talk to her until she emerged.
It's hereditary apparently.
I am getting a procedure done today at my OB/GYN that I hope will help somewhat. It's another form of birth control but it doesn't involve taking pills and putting a bunch of hormones in my body and it doesn't involve any kind of surgery. I was ready to get a hysterectomy if that's what it took to fix the problem, but my wonderful doctor knew I wasn't ready for something so permanent, so he found another solution. I hope and pray this is what I've been waiting for.
Anyway, THANK YOU TO EVERYONE who shares their concerns for me and have lots of suggestions and fixes. I appreciate them more than you can ever know and have tried just about anything new that was suggested to me.
I don't want anyone to feel like I'm not doing my part to get these fixed. It's all I've done for 15 years and will continue to do so as long as there is something new to try.
Love to you all and may you have a lovely and wonderful and migraine-free Thanksgiving!
Yes, I AM alive and I AM a dork for shirking my writing duties. It's been quite a month.
But without boring you with all the minor details (look at my Facebook posts if you are really wondering), I wanna talk about migraines.
I have been getting migraines for about a solid 15 years or so. I get them when the weather is yucky outside (barometric issues), I get them because I'm a girl (oh joy), I get them whenever I cry a lot (thankfully that's not too often these days) and I get them when I have any kind of stress. It all lands in my head.
I have tried every migraine medication there is. I've had an MRI. I've seen a neurologist. I've had acupuncture. I've had my eyes looked at. I've talked to my OB/GYN to help with the female ones (and as a result have been on, of all things, birth control for the past 6-7 years). I've gone to a chiropractor and have tried taking Magnesium. I've discussed them with my family doctor who has got me on a muscle relaxer that I take every night to help the muscles relax in my brain (my worst migraines are when I wake up with them and for the most part, this has helped the most). I've learned what foods trigger my migraines and have completely cut them out of my diet (bananas [didn't like those anyway] and avocados [sob, I LOVE guacamole]). I've stuck my feet in really hot water, hoping to pull the blood away from my brain (my friend does this and swears by it - it made sense to me and I was REALLY hoping it was gonna work).
I just get 'em and there isn't a hard and fast cure/fix for them. The only thing that "helps" is a really dark and cold room and sleep. All so convenient (NOT).
My mom said my Grandma Nelson got migraines that would put her out for three days. Mom said when they came on, Grandma went into her bedroom, locked the door and no one could talk to her until she emerged.
It's hereditary apparently.
I am getting a procedure done today at my OB/GYN that I hope will help somewhat. It's another form of birth control but it doesn't involve taking pills and putting a bunch of hormones in my body and it doesn't involve any kind of surgery. I was ready to get a hysterectomy if that's what it took to fix the problem, but my wonderful doctor knew I wasn't ready for something so permanent, so he found another solution. I hope and pray this is what I've been waiting for.
Anyway, THANK YOU TO EVERYONE who shares their concerns for me and have lots of suggestions and fixes. I appreciate them more than you can ever know and have tried just about anything new that was suggested to me.
I don't want anyone to feel like I'm not doing my part to get these fixed. It's all I've done for 15 years and will continue to do so as long as there is something new to try.
Love to you all and may you have a lovely and wonderful and migraine-free Thanksgiving!
Monday, October 24, 2011
Whippy!
I am a friend of the owner of Whippy Cake (yes, I AM name dropping here). Her loveliness is named Becki Crosby and she is one of the most talented people I have the pleasure of knowing.
I also know Jen Christensen. She is one of my dearest of dear friends who, 11 years ago, suffered from breast cancer. Jen is only one year older than me and that fact alone terrified me. Breast cancer is not selective. It will knock down anyone and everyone. No one is safe.
Back to Becki. Becki makes really fun things that she showcases on her Whippy Cake website. She did a special item for breast cancer awareness month and is donating 20% of her proceeds to Jen's cancer campaign.
Please buy. Little girls (and frankly big girls) love these things and it supports two girls that I love dearly. Thank you.
NOW BUY: http://whippycake.com/blog/2011/10/save-the-tatas-coming-soon/
I also know Jen Christensen. She is one of my dearest of dear friends who, 11 years ago, suffered from breast cancer. Jen is only one year older than me and that fact alone terrified me. Breast cancer is not selective. It will knock down anyone and everyone. No one is safe.
Back to Becki. Becki makes really fun things that she showcases on her Whippy Cake website. She did a special item for breast cancer awareness month and is donating 20% of her proceeds to Jen's cancer campaign.
Please buy. Little girls (and frankly big girls) love these things and it supports two girls that I love dearly. Thank you.
NOW BUY: http://whippycake.com/blog/2011/10/save-the-tatas-coming-soon/
Friday, October 21, 2011
Up!
I got weighed last night and I was UP 0.4 pounds. I have no idea how it happened, but I continue being told over and over there will always be ups as well as downs and to not get discouraged. Easier said than done, but I AM trying.
I had a doc's appointment this morning and he was pleased to see I had lost 11 pounds since the last time I saw him. When I mentioned the frustration of the SLOWNESS of losing weight, he told me I was doing it right and to only expect 1-2 pounds per MONTH. I'm hoping not that little, but it did make me feel better.
Feeling all kinds of sleeps today. Not sure why, but I can't wait to go to bed tonight. Yes, I am all kinds of a party animal on this Friday.
Loves and hugs and smiles to you all...
PS: Have you heard of the "I'm a Mormon" campaign the Church is doing? Here's my profile: http://mormon.org/me/6GMN/
I had a doc's appointment this morning and he was pleased to see I had lost 11 pounds since the last time I saw him. When I mentioned the frustration of the SLOWNESS of losing weight, he told me I was doing it right and to only expect 1-2 pounds per MONTH. I'm hoping not that little, but it did make me feel better.
Feeling all kinds of sleeps today. Not sure why, but I can't wait to go to bed tonight. Yes, I am all kinds of a party animal on this Friday.
Loves and hugs and smiles to you all...
PS: Have you heard of the "I'm a Mormon" campaign the Church is doing? Here's my profile: http://mormon.org/me/6GMN/
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Pathetic!
1.2 more pounds down equaling 12.2. It's funny to me how important that .2 is. 12.2 is SO MUCH BETTER than just 12 pounds. I'm getting weighed tomorrow and will return and report.
Now on to my pathetic-ness. In my personal prayers, I have been praying for the strength and desire and desire and desire to get my big bum moving - like in an exercise fashion. I have a treadmill that I purchased, oh, 18 months or so ago, and it sits in my music room, mocking me and teasing "my" kids to play on it and do naughty things to it to render it useless to me.
Ah, but this treadmill is tough and has survived, though it still enjoys mocking me by just staring and staring and staring at me as I watch my TV shows at night in my comfy chair.
Okay, so I gave in to said treadmill yesterday morning, when I found myself wide awake at 4:30 a.m., without the ability to go back to sleep, though I still had about an hour and a half before I REALLY had to be awake. This has happened before (I'm an early-to-bedder and when my body has had enough sleep, well, it likes to wake up) and when it has, I just pull my trusty phone onto my pillow and I look/answer emails, look at all the new Twitter and Facebook posts that have happened overnight, turn on my TV to watch the morning news, all kinds of slackering.
ANYWAY, I actually got my big booty outta that comfy bed of mine (it really is comfy, marry me and you can find out how much) and marched myself right on to that treadmill. I turned my iTunes up way loud and walked to those bee-bopping beats for a solid 20 minutes.
That's really not a whole lot for those of you who exercise with the best of them, but considering I haven't exercised in a right long time, and even when I did prior, I didn't do it long enough to stick, so honestly it's been YEARS since I've seriously exercised.
I hate sweating. Always have.
Anyway, I felt pretty good and got an early start getting ready and felt jazzed for most of the day yesterday, until the muscle aches and pains started.
Today I can hardly move. Every time I get up from my desk, I have to take a few tentative steps before I work out the kinks and the pains I'm feeling is very visible on my face.
I'm PATHETIC. I'm not being too hard on myself this time. I know I tend to do that, but this is just pathetic and I need to busta move.
If only I could walk to do so...
Now on to my pathetic-ness. In my personal prayers, I have been praying for the strength and desire and desire and desire to get my big bum moving - like in an exercise fashion. I have a treadmill that I purchased, oh, 18 months or so ago, and it sits in my music room, mocking me and teasing "my" kids to play on it and do naughty things to it to render it useless to me.
Ah, but this treadmill is tough and has survived, though it still enjoys mocking me by just staring and staring and staring at me as I watch my TV shows at night in my comfy chair.
Okay, so I gave in to said treadmill yesterday morning, when I found myself wide awake at 4:30 a.m., without the ability to go back to sleep, though I still had about an hour and a half before I REALLY had to be awake. This has happened before (I'm an early-to-bedder and when my body has had enough sleep, well, it likes to wake up) and when it has, I just pull my trusty phone onto my pillow and I look/answer emails, look at all the new Twitter and Facebook posts that have happened overnight, turn on my TV to watch the morning news, all kinds of slackering.
ANYWAY, I actually got my big booty outta that comfy bed of mine (it really is comfy, marry me and you can find out how much) and marched myself right on to that treadmill. I turned my iTunes up way loud and walked to those bee-bopping beats for a solid 20 minutes.
That's really not a whole lot for those of you who exercise with the best of them, but considering I haven't exercised in a right long time, and even when I did prior, I didn't do it long enough to stick, so honestly it's been YEARS since I've seriously exercised.
I hate sweating. Always have.
Anyway, I felt pretty good and got an early start getting ready and felt jazzed for most of the day yesterday, until the muscle aches and pains started.
Today I can hardly move. Every time I get up from my desk, I have to take a few tentative steps before I work out the kinks and the pains I'm feeling is very visible on my face.
I'm PATHETIC. I'm not being too hard on myself this time. I know I tend to do that, but this is just pathetic and I need to busta move.
If only I could walk to do so...
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Woops!
Ruh roh.
I've been forgetting to blog.
It's an honest mistake. I genuinely just forgot.
I guess it's 'cause I'm not Donna Downer right now. I dunno why. I'm just good. And happy. And my FAVORITE holiday of the year is right around the corner. And a good majority of my family is coming for said holiday. THANKSGIVING! A food lover's paradise!
Um, oh, speaking of which, I lost 2.2 pounds last week. I'm down 11 pounds again. So funny, 'cause the week before when I got weighed, I had GAINED 2.2 pounds. Crazy that it was the same number. Anxious to get weighed on Thursday. I've been good, so I hope it shows on the scale!
This last weekend I was able to go to a resort in Scottsdale/Cave Creek. I book meetings for my boss and his executive team and had booked a 2-day meeting there once. Because of that I was on a VIP list and they invited me to come and stay October 7-9, all room and food charges were covered and two 50-minute spa treatments included as well as a $200 resort credit.
Um, yes please.
So I brought my pal Jen for her birthday (happy birthday tomorrow JB) and we had a most lovely time. The weather cooperated too. We had the sliding glass doors open the entire time we were in the room, except when we slept (I'm rather paranoid and didn't like the idea of an open door that a boogey man could get us - yes, Jen did laugh at me but was very accommodating). The weather was GORGEOUS. Both of us got facials and I went one step further and got acupuncture. Jury is still out on that, though I think I would like to study up on it more and have it done again.
On Sunday we checked out of the resort and went to a random ward in Scottsdale. Fun to know that the ward we went to that we knew no one was as friendly and kind as the ward both of us go to who do know us. It was a nice service that ended the weekend on a perfect note.
That's it I 'spose. Good couple of weeks. This one seems to be doing fairly well too.
How are the rest of ya? Please share...
I've been forgetting to blog.
It's an honest mistake. I genuinely just forgot.
I guess it's 'cause I'm not Donna Downer right now. I dunno why. I'm just good. And happy. And my FAVORITE holiday of the year is right around the corner. And a good majority of my family is coming for said holiday. THANKSGIVING! A food lover's paradise!
Um, oh, speaking of which, I lost 2.2 pounds last week. I'm down 11 pounds again. So funny, 'cause the week before when I got weighed, I had GAINED 2.2 pounds. Crazy that it was the same number. Anxious to get weighed on Thursday. I've been good, so I hope it shows on the scale!
This last weekend I was able to go to a resort in Scottsdale/Cave Creek. I book meetings for my boss and his executive team and had booked a 2-day meeting there once. Because of that I was on a VIP list and they invited me to come and stay October 7-9, all room and food charges were covered and two 50-minute spa treatments included as well as a $200 resort credit.
Um, yes please.
So I brought my pal Jen for her birthday (happy birthday tomorrow JB) and we had a most lovely time. The weather cooperated too. We had the sliding glass doors open the entire time we were in the room, except when we slept (I'm rather paranoid and didn't like the idea of an open door that a boogey man could get us - yes, Jen did laugh at me but was very accommodating). The weather was GORGEOUS. Both of us got facials and I went one step further and got acupuncture. Jury is still out on that, though I think I would like to study up on it more and have it done again.
On Sunday we checked out of the resort and went to a random ward in Scottsdale. Fun to know that the ward we went to that we knew no one was as friendly and kind as the ward both of us go to who do know us. It was a nice service that ended the weekend on a perfect note.
That's it I 'spose. Good couple of weeks. This one seems to be doing fairly well too.
How are the rest of ya? Please share...
Friday, September 30, 2011
Reactions.
Sigh.
I knew the last couple of weeks' worth of meltdowns were gonna make me pay.
They did, in the form of gaining 2.2 pounds according to the Weight Watchers scale that I stood on last night.
But that hasn't got me down. In fact this morning one of those pounds has already left and it's all downhill (in a good way) from here on out.
It's been interesting, to say the least, how people have reacted to this new, no-holds-barred me - sharing EVERYTHING. I was pretty much that way anyway, but this little tiny issue of a chemical imbalance is one that still makes people uncomfortable. Most are cool and talk easily about it with me, and even some that I don't know that well are reading this and responding in such a lovely way (got a HUGE hug from a sweet co-worker this morning - out of the blue and nothing was said).
Then there are some people (who really surprise me) who don't seem to know how to deal with me dealing with this stuff. People I thought I was close to.
Those sting a little.
I guess I shouldn't say "I thought I was close to." I'm still close to them, just not really talking about this "stuff." I have to filter myself, or at least not let it be about me when we're visiting, which everything shouldn't be about me anyway.
I'm feeling like I'm not making much sense here. Just spewing words, frustrations and reactions... Not needing affirmations from you readers out there. Just emptying my brain of thoughts that have been building up for a while.
Happy Friday ya'll!
I knew the last couple of weeks' worth of meltdowns were gonna make me pay.
They did, in the form of gaining 2.2 pounds according to the Weight Watchers scale that I stood on last night.
But that hasn't got me down. In fact this morning one of those pounds has already left and it's all downhill (in a good way) from here on out.
It's been interesting, to say the least, how people have reacted to this new, no-holds-barred me - sharing EVERYTHING. I was pretty much that way anyway, but this little tiny issue of a chemical imbalance is one that still makes people uncomfortable. Most are cool and talk easily about it with me, and even some that I don't know that well are reading this and responding in such a lovely way (got a HUGE hug from a sweet co-worker this morning - out of the blue and nothing was said).
Then there are some people (who really surprise me) who don't seem to know how to deal with me dealing with this stuff. People I thought I was close to.
Those sting a little.
I guess I shouldn't say "I thought I was close to." I'm still close to them, just not really talking about this "stuff." I have to filter myself, or at least not let it be about me when we're visiting, which everything shouldn't be about me anyway.
I'm feeling like I'm not making much sense here. Just spewing words, frustrations and reactions... Not needing affirmations from you readers out there. Just emptying my brain of thoughts that have been building up for a while.
Happy Friday ya'll!
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Bugged.
I have to say, after the post I did last night, I'm feeling awfully bugged today.
Today is my 8-year anniversary with my company, Infusionsoft. I love this place, my boss, the people, the culture, the software, the managerial team, the location - everything. Besides the owners and one other fella (hi Jeremy!), I have been here the longest. I was hoping for miles and miles and piles and piles of hugs from everyone.
Nothing. Nada. Nichts.
A few verbal congratulations. A nice email or two on Monday when it was announced it was this week. But no hugs.
I really like hugs. Yes, yes I really do.
(I know. Time to get over myself. These people ARE pretty fabo...)
Today is my 8-year anniversary with my company, Infusionsoft. I love this place, my boss, the people, the culture, the software, the managerial team, the location - everything. Besides the owners and one other fella (hi Jeremy!), I have been here the longest. I was hoping for miles and miles and piles and piles of hugs from everyone.
Nothing. Nada. Nichts.
A few verbal congratulations. A nice email or two on Monday when it was announced it was this week. But no hugs.
I really like hugs. Yes, yes I really do.
(I know. Time to get over myself. These people ARE pretty fabo...)
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Hugs.
I have been in bed, literally, for two days. I've had a migraine both of those days and today I had a flu bug of sorts. AS a result, I have slept more than I've been awake. I finally feel better this evening (it's 9:30 p.m. Arizona time) and though right now is my bedtime (in fact PAST my bedtime - yes I'm OLD), I am more wide awake than I've been in the last 48 hours.
I've been wanting to write about hugs for a while. I grew up in a very loving, yet non-demonstrative home. We didn't really hug or kiss each other. We knew without any doubt whatsoever that we were loved and cherished, we just didn't show it or was really shown it.
I was never much of a hugger myself, that is until I moved to Utah and realized part of the by-laws of living there is you must become a hugger. Everyone hugs there. It was hard to get used to and I thought at the time I left Utah that I never really got used to it. But then I moved back home to Arizona and found I hugged rather easily. So it stuck.
I'm so glad it did. I love to hug and I love to be hugged. Any kind of hug is nice, but the best kind is the all-encompassing hug where my arms are fully around the person and their arms are fully around me. The kind of hug that means business.
Nothing, and I really believe that NOTHING physically comforts better than a full blown hug.
I guess I'm writing this to you to tell you I'm going become an even better hugger. I have a nephew who is on a mission right now in Fresno, California. He needs to teach classes on the proper way to hug because man alive, you KNOW he loves you and cares about you and has compassion for you just through his hugs. That really says a lot.
I want people to feel that same way when I hug them. I don't take kissing lightly (sigh, six or so years and counting) and I definitely don't take hugs lightly, but they're easier to give to more than someone you're really in to (ahem).
I love my family, my friends, my associates, my boss, his family, my company, my ward, my home teachers, my visiting teachers and just about anyone that I get to spend time with. I love easily, and that's a blessing for me. Now let me hug this love to you.
Watch out! Huggy Tara is on the loose!
I've been wanting to write about hugs for a while. I grew up in a very loving, yet non-demonstrative home. We didn't really hug or kiss each other. We knew without any doubt whatsoever that we were loved and cherished, we just didn't show it or was really shown it.
I was never much of a hugger myself, that is until I moved to Utah and realized part of the by-laws of living there is you must become a hugger. Everyone hugs there. It was hard to get used to and I thought at the time I left Utah that I never really got used to it. But then I moved back home to Arizona and found I hugged rather easily. So it stuck.
I'm so glad it did. I love to hug and I love to be hugged. Any kind of hug is nice, but the best kind is the all-encompassing hug where my arms are fully around the person and their arms are fully around me. The kind of hug that means business.
Nothing, and I really believe that NOTHING physically comforts better than a full blown hug.
I guess I'm writing this to you to tell you I'm going become an even better hugger. I have a nephew who is on a mission right now in Fresno, California. He needs to teach classes on the proper way to hug because man alive, you KNOW he loves you and cares about you and has compassion for you just through his hugs. That really says a lot.
I want people to feel that same way when I hug them. I don't take kissing lightly (sigh, six or so years and counting) and I definitely don't take hugs lightly, but they're easier to give to more than someone you're really in to (ahem).
I love my family, my friends, my associates, my boss, his family, my company, my ward, my home teachers, my visiting teachers and just about anyone that I get to spend time with. I love easily, and that's a blessing for me. Now let me hug this love to you.
Watch out! Huggy Tara is on the loose!
Friday, September 23, 2011
Lifted.
Yesterday late morning my brother-in-law called in a little bit of a panic. My sister was out of town (6th grade camp) and he was Mr. Mom. He is self-employed and a customer needed him onsite RIGHT AWAY - in Oklahoma. He asked me if I could help and I jumped at the chance.
Today I am working from my sister's house hanging out with my namesake who I can't get enough of.
Talk about a mood lifter, even if she DID throw up right before I got here and is all stuffed up and a little warm today.
Cuddles from this critter is medicine to my soul.
What or who is the one thing that can lift your spirits more than anything/one else?
Today I am working from my sister's house hanging out with my namesake who I can't get enough of.
Talk about a mood lifter, even if she DID throw up right before I got here and is all stuffed up and a little warm today.
Cuddles from this critter is medicine to my soul.
What or who is the one thing that can lift your spirits more than anything/one else?
Thursday, September 22, 2011
I KNOW.
Hi.
I KNOW without any doubt that I am loved. I have a ton of friends, some that I've known just about my entire life and I love them and they love me.
I have a family that is close. So close we fight at times, but we fight because we love each other and care about each other's lives and choices.
I have nieces and nephews who adore me, but more importantly I adore them. They are my lifeline.
I work with people who are absolute joys to be around.
I belong to a ward (Church) that appreciates me and my ability to lead the music every Sunday.
I have a Father in Heaven who knows who I AM and is aware of me and my challenges and my concerns and my sadnesses and I'm grateful that I can pray to Him anytime and anywhere and He does hear me. And I KNOW that He hears me.
I know I bring value to this earth, to this country, to this company, to my friends, to this family and to those around me.
Yet the sadness is there. Many times there is absolutely no reason for it. The tears start and can't seem to stop. Many times they'll eventually go away after a looooooooong tear-fest, sometimes it takes Priesthood blessings pronounced on my head to help me see clearly, sometimes all it takes is a hug and sometimes all it takes is for people to not openly show compassion to me. Yes, I said that right. Nothing, NOTHING makes me cry harder than compassion. And if I'm honest with myself, the tears are different when the compassion comes to the surface. Better tears if there are such things.
But I really, REALLY hate crying. I do too much of it lately and I especially LOATHE crying in public. Had another ugly cry at lunch yesterday, but am so lucky to work where I work that I was able to go to the first person I saw and ask for a blessing and he immediately jumped up, grabbed the first person he saw and they eased my emotions with a lovely blessing from a Father who loves me.
See, just writing that and remembering that has made the tears come to the surface again.
I know. I really REALLY do.
I KNOW without any doubt that I am loved. I have a ton of friends, some that I've known just about my entire life and I love them and they love me.
I have a family that is close. So close we fight at times, but we fight because we love each other and care about each other's lives and choices.
I have nieces and nephews who adore me, but more importantly I adore them. They are my lifeline.
I work with people who are absolute joys to be around.
I belong to a ward (Church) that appreciates me and my ability to lead the music every Sunday.
I have a Father in Heaven who knows who I AM and is aware of me and my challenges and my concerns and my sadnesses and I'm grateful that I can pray to Him anytime and anywhere and He does hear me. And I KNOW that He hears me.
I know I bring value to this earth, to this country, to this company, to my friends, to this family and to those around me.
Yet the sadness is there. Many times there is absolutely no reason for it. The tears start and can't seem to stop. Many times they'll eventually go away after a looooooooong tear-fest, sometimes it takes Priesthood blessings pronounced on my head to help me see clearly, sometimes all it takes is a hug and sometimes all it takes is for people to not openly show compassion to me. Yes, I said that right. Nothing, NOTHING makes me cry harder than compassion. And if I'm honest with myself, the tears are different when the compassion comes to the surface. Better tears if there are such things.
But I really, REALLY hate crying. I do too much of it lately and I especially LOATHE crying in public. Had another ugly cry at lunch yesterday, but am so lucky to work where I work that I was able to go to the first person I saw and ask for a blessing and he immediately jumped up, grabbed the first person he saw and they eased my emotions with a lovely blessing from a Father who loves me.
See, just writing that and remembering that has made the tears come to the surface again.
I know. I really REALLY do.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Tears.
Definitely not having a great week. Way too inside my head again. I ugly-cried all the way home yesterday in my car. No reason. Just cried and felt dumb for crying and really wanted a good hard hug, but cried harder because there wasn't anyone to deliver that hug.
I know part of this (maybe a very large part of this) is because I'm PMSing. Hey - we ALL know "it" happens to women so why be shy talking about it? But these PMS episodes lately are really bad. And the "special" thing that follows is also really, REALLY bad (I had to call in sick last month due to feminine issues - never done THAT before). I am actually wondering if it wouldn't be worth it to stop the special times for good.
I think I've found the source of my tears.
I am 40 (almost 41) and single and childless. I will not have any children unless I get married. Since the man of my dreams has yet to show his face, my ability to have children naturally gets less and less likely. And there's my dilemma. Do I take the (likely) chance that having biological children is not in the cards for me and do something permanent about it, or do I get more and more miserable as each month comes with the hope that "HE" is right around the corner and "THEY" will be coming to me soon?
The ugly cry yesterday, I believe, was in fear and loathing of what's coming next week because of it's awfulness.
All of my prayers lately have covered this subject and I just don't know what I want to do. I have a doctor's appointment in November that I plan on discussing this with him. But I don't hold a lot of hope there. I'm not sure why.
Depression is sure ugly and honestly I'M SO TIRED OF IT. It makes things so much worse than they are to anyone else. And I recognize/realize that in the grand scheme of things, this is so insignificant. But it's so major in my mind right now. Encompassing all of my thoughts and worries and fears and and and...
Bah.
I know part of this (maybe a very large part of this) is because I'm PMSing. Hey - we ALL know "it" happens to women so why be shy talking about it? But these PMS episodes lately are really bad. And the "special" thing that follows is also really, REALLY bad (I had to call in sick last month due to feminine issues - never done THAT before). I am actually wondering if it wouldn't be worth it to stop the special times for good.
I think I've found the source of my tears.
I am 40 (almost 41) and single and childless. I will not have any children unless I get married. Since the man of my dreams has yet to show his face, my ability to have children naturally gets less and less likely. And there's my dilemma. Do I take the (likely) chance that having biological children is not in the cards for me and do something permanent about it, or do I get more and more miserable as each month comes with the hope that "HE" is right around the corner and "THEY" will be coming to me soon?
The ugly cry yesterday, I believe, was in fear and loathing of what's coming next week because of it's awfulness.
All of my prayers lately have covered this subject and I just don't know what I want to do. I have a doctor's appointment in November that I plan on discussing this with him. But I don't hold a lot of hope there. I'm not sure why.
Depression is sure ugly and honestly I'M SO TIRED OF IT. It makes things so much worse than they are to anyone else. And I recognize/realize that in the grand scheme of things, this is so insignificant. But it's so major in my mind right now. Encompassing all of my thoughts and worries and fears and and and...
Bah.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Dumb.
I'm really struggling today. I can't shake the doldrums. There is nothing specific or no one special who is contributing to this feeling.
I wanna go home and climb into bed.
Just a dumb day for no apparent reason...
I wanna go home and climb into bed.
Just a dumb day for no apparent reason...
Burdens.
Weight update: lost 1.4 more pounds, for a total of 11 so far...
Now on to the blog post:
Lately, there have been a few of my acquaintances/friends that have had some major, life-altering events happen to them. Things that I would love to speak with them and/or close friends about just to make sense of the injustice. That's how I work things out - I talk about it and that helps with the grumps or sadness or injustice or depressions.
I have not been given permission to share any information with anyone and I have to say, knowing what I know really brings me down. I have talked a little bit about these instances with my boss, who has such great wisdom and insight. But he's the CEO of a fast-growing company and I don't like to take his time with clearing out my head. Don't get me wrong - he's always willing to talk, but I also know he's always so, so busy.
I'm grateful I have the ability to pray to a loving Heavenly Father. I lay my burdens at His feet continuously, but because these "burdens" aren't necessarily MY burdens, just burdens of people that I care about, I pray for them and I pray for me and I still feel sad. I think that's the human part of having a spiritual life. And probably the depression part of having a human experience.
I'm trying to make this more of a spiritual life with human experiences rather than a human life with spiritual experiences. It's a big difference to me when I'm able to switch those things around. I'm much happier and content and in tune to those around me.
I feel like I'm in tune to these people that are struggling and it's so painful. Maybe I'm writing this out to call on those of you who pray to pray for Tara's friends who are struggling. I'm a HUGE advocate of the power of prayer and feel the more prayers said on behalf of someone the better that someone will feel and/or the situation will become. I also know that the Lord knows who I (and ultimately you) am/are talking about without naming names.
Will you pray on behalf of these friends of mine?
Now on to the blog post:
Lately, there have been a few of my acquaintances/friends that have had some major, life-altering events happen to them. Things that I would love to speak with them and/or close friends about just to make sense of the injustice. That's how I work things out - I talk about it and that helps with the grumps or sadness or injustice or depressions.
I have not been given permission to share any information with anyone and I have to say, knowing what I know really brings me down. I have talked a little bit about these instances with my boss, who has such great wisdom and insight. But he's the CEO of a fast-growing company and I don't like to take his time with clearing out my head. Don't get me wrong - he's always willing to talk, but I also know he's always so, so busy.
I'm grateful I have the ability to pray to a loving Heavenly Father. I lay my burdens at His feet continuously, but because these "burdens" aren't necessarily MY burdens, just burdens of people that I care about, I pray for them and I pray for me and I still feel sad. I think that's the human part of having a spiritual life. And probably the depression part of having a human experience.
I'm trying to make this more of a spiritual life with human experiences rather than a human life with spiritual experiences. It's a big difference to me when I'm able to switch those things around. I'm much happier and content and in tune to those around me.
I feel like I'm in tune to these people that are struggling and it's so painful. Maybe I'm writing this out to call on those of you who pray to pray for Tara's friends who are struggling. I'm a HUGE advocate of the power of prayer and feel the more prayers said on behalf of someone the better that someone will feel and/or the situation will become. I also know that the Lord knows who I (and ultimately you) am/are talking about without naming names.
Will you pray on behalf of these friends of mine?
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Again!
TWO compliments on my dress today. TWO of them. I can't stop smiling.
I can totally get used to this...
I can totally get used to this...
Monday, September 12, 2011
Loss.
It's been a few days since I last wrote, and in that time, I lost another two pounds. I am .4 pounds away from my first 10. Kind of a big deal for me. Never been a fan of dieting and losing was never important to me. Odd isn't it?
Yesterday at Church, the opening hymn was "I Need Thee Every Hour" and since I'm the Ward Chorister, I stand up front of everyone and direct the music.
Because yesterday was the 10th anniversary of September 11 and I spent all morning watching programs of that tragic day, as well as given the fact that this song is one that we sang at my dad's funeral two years ago, I stood up there and cried while directing the song. I didn't sing. I couldn't. I could smile through the tears though, and that's what I did.
I miss my dad.
Something happened today that honestly hasn't happened in a really long time. I didn't realize I missed hearing it until it happened. I was complimented, by a good looking male (he's married with 2.5 kids - don't get excited). He walked by me at work and said he wanted to say something earlier, but didn't want to embarrass me in front of the others as we were chatting, but that he thought I looked real pretty today and he wanted to ensure I knew that.
Talk about a loss for words. I didn't know how to respond or what to say, which I think is what he preferred. I have to be honest - it brings tears to my eyes now as I'm writing this to realize I haven't heard a compliment on my looks in I don't know how long. I also didn't realize I needed to hear one.
Please take this kind gentleman's example and compliment. Compliment strangers and loved ones and kids and adults and any time you think of a nice thing about someone, say it out loud. Bret, you made my day and I dedicate this blog post to you.
Yesterday at Church, the opening hymn was "I Need Thee Every Hour" and since I'm the Ward Chorister, I stand up front of everyone and direct the music.
Because yesterday was the 10th anniversary of September 11 and I spent all morning watching programs of that tragic day, as well as given the fact that this song is one that we sang at my dad's funeral two years ago, I stood up there and cried while directing the song. I didn't sing. I couldn't. I could smile through the tears though, and that's what I did.
I miss my dad.
Something happened today that honestly hasn't happened in a really long time. I didn't realize I missed hearing it until it happened. I was complimented, by a good looking male (he's married with 2.5 kids - don't get excited). He walked by me at work and said he wanted to say something earlier, but didn't want to embarrass me in front of the others as we were chatting, but that he thought I looked real pretty today and he wanted to ensure I knew that.
Talk about a loss for words. I didn't know how to respond or what to say, which I think is what he preferred. I have to be honest - it brings tears to my eyes now as I'm writing this to realize I haven't heard a compliment on my looks in I don't know how long. I also didn't realize I needed to hear one.
Please take this kind gentleman's example and compliment. Compliment strangers and loved ones and kids and adults and any time you think of a nice thing about someone, say it out loud. Bret, you made my day and I dedicate this blog post to you.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Expectations.
Hi.
Miss me?
Been busy, yet haven't had lots to write about. I enjoy writing and I have missed feeling inspired to do so.
SO! Two weeks ago was the last time I went to Weight Watchers. For whatever reason, that was a rough week and I ate and ate and ate (I'm sure none of you know what that is like). I was very happy when I weighed in and didn't gain a pound. Didn't lose a pound either, but that's okay, as I was determined to do better and be back on the losing track.
Except.
My boss (who is one of the very BEST people I know) sent me a text late Wednesday (8/31) night (around 11:30). Let me back up. I am an executive assistant and get to plan meetings for my boss (the CEO) and his executive team at different off-site locations once a quarter. Once a year they go out of town to do these meetings to keep up their creative juices (it's amazing what comes out of these meetings). This year I planned for their meeting in Park City, Utah, at the Stein Ericksen Lodge. They flew up on 8/31, their spouses flew up on 9/1, and the meeting was over on 9/2.
Back to the text late on 8/31. I was already asleep when this came (if you know me at all, I'm an early-to-bed girl), so when I read it the next morning around 5:15, I had to rub my eyes and read and re-read it several times to get the gist of what he was saying.
His text was: "Is there any way you can come up here for the rest of the week? This place is amazing. I want to treat you to an incredible weekend."
I first asked him (seriously) if it was April Fools, then I wanted/needed to be reassured over and over that he was really serious. He was and I have never packed a bag so fast in my entire life, flew up there and true to his promise, it was an INCREDIBLE weekend.
(This was Thursday morning and I get weighed at Weight Watchers on Thursday night. The idea of this trip erased ANY disappointment I felt in realizing if I had lost more weight.)
The lodge itself (http://www.steinlodge.com/accommodations) was beautiful. I was happy just to sit in the room, soak up the beauty and watch TV on the humongous TV in either the family room or the bedroom (you get both when you're in a SUITE). There was a hot tub on the porch and one of the biggest bathtubs you've ever seen in the bathroom. The weather was lovely and it was such a treat to just have the windows open.
On Friday (9/1) I got to meet up with my mom, sister, brother-in-law and 3 nephews at Swiss Days in Midway, Utah. That's a huge craft fair (too huge in my opinion - way too many people there) that's held once a year on Labor Day weekend. It was hot, but not Arizona hot and it was nice being outdoors with those that I love.
My sister came back with me to the hotel to stay the night and both she and I giggled like school girls at the luxury of the place. I felt like a redneck bumpkin the entire time I was there, but I think I gave a lot of those folks a good laugh at my exuberance.
Saturday (9/2) my sister and I went back to the valley. I dropped Cassie off and I went to Mom's and stayed until Monday night.
I got to play with Cassie's kids, have a baby in my lap all through Church (Cassie is a mother of 9 and has 3 babies) and see an older nephew who is staying with my mom while he goes to college.
On Monday Mom let me go into her garden and pick a bunch of stuff for homemade salsa. She should get a job at a UPS store or something and teach people how to pack. Every single one of those vegetables (and there were A LOT) made it back to Arizona safe and sound and not smushed because of Mom's packing job.
Also on Monday (because it was Labor Day, a holiday) my mom, my sister, my brother-in-law, 7 of their 9 children and I all went to Thanksgiving Pointe to walk around and watch the kids play outside on their beautiful grounds. Flowers and green GREEN grass EVERYWHERE. So so lovely. Kids screamed and played and had a ball and it was fun just being with them. I don't get to do that much with this family.
I will be getting weighed at Weight Watchers this Thursday, but I suspect I have gained everything that I lost due to the fact that I ate and ate and ate some of the best food I've ever had there (and, well, frankly at Mom's too - you should taste her pumpkin bread).
I'm okay with this. I had no expectations for this trip because it was planned in five minutes flat. Because of this, there weren't any disappointments and no need to feel rushed or guilt at anything. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and came back rejuvenated unlike any way I ever have been before. I have just started over with the weight thing and continue to make it a priority.
I'm good.
I'm really, REALLY good...
Miss me?
Been busy, yet haven't had lots to write about. I enjoy writing and I have missed feeling inspired to do so.
SO! Two weeks ago was the last time I went to Weight Watchers. For whatever reason, that was a rough week and I ate and ate and ate (I'm sure none of you know what that is like). I was very happy when I weighed in and didn't gain a pound. Didn't lose a pound either, but that's okay, as I was determined to do better and be back on the losing track.
Except.
My boss (who is one of the very BEST people I know) sent me a text late Wednesday (8/31) night (around 11:30). Let me back up. I am an executive assistant and get to plan meetings for my boss (the CEO) and his executive team at different off-site locations once a quarter. Once a year they go out of town to do these meetings to keep up their creative juices (it's amazing what comes out of these meetings). This year I planned for their meeting in Park City, Utah, at the Stein Ericksen Lodge. They flew up on 8/31, their spouses flew up on 9/1, and the meeting was over on 9/2.
Back to the text late on 8/31. I was already asleep when this came (if you know me at all, I'm an early-to-bed girl), so when I read it the next morning around 5:15, I had to rub my eyes and read and re-read it several times to get the gist of what he was saying.
His text was: "Is there any way you can come up here for the rest of the week? This place is amazing. I want to treat you to an incredible weekend."
I first asked him (seriously) if it was April Fools, then I wanted/needed to be reassured over and over that he was really serious. He was and I have never packed a bag so fast in my entire life, flew up there and true to his promise, it was an INCREDIBLE weekend.
(This was Thursday morning and I get weighed at Weight Watchers on Thursday night. The idea of this trip erased ANY disappointment I felt in realizing if I had lost more weight.)
The lodge itself (http://www.steinlodge.com/accommodations) was beautiful. I was happy just to sit in the room, soak up the beauty and watch TV on the humongous TV in either the family room or the bedroom (you get both when you're in a SUITE). There was a hot tub on the porch and one of the biggest bathtubs you've ever seen in the bathroom. The weather was lovely and it was such a treat to just have the windows open.
On Friday (9/1) I got to meet up with my mom, sister, brother-in-law and 3 nephews at Swiss Days in Midway, Utah. That's a huge craft fair (too huge in my opinion - way too many people there) that's held once a year on Labor Day weekend. It was hot, but not Arizona hot and it was nice being outdoors with those that I love.
My sister came back with me to the hotel to stay the night and both she and I giggled like school girls at the luxury of the place. I felt like a redneck bumpkin the entire time I was there, but I think I gave a lot of those folks a good laugh at my exuberance.
Saturday (9/2) my sister and I went back to the valley. I dropped Cassie off and I went to Mom's and stayed until Monday night.
I got to play with Cassie's kids, have a baby in my lap all through Church (Cassie is a mother of 9 and has 3 babies) and see an older nephew who is staying with my mom while he goes to college.
On Monday Mom let me go into her garden and pick a bunch of stuff for homemade salsa. She should get a job at a UPS store or something and teach people how to pack. Every single one of those vegetables (and there were A LOT) made it back to Arizona safe and sound and not smushed because of Mom's packing job.
Also on Monday (because it was Labor Day, a holiday) my mom, my sister, my brother-in-law, 7 of their 9 children and I all went to Thanksgiving Pointe to walk around and watch the kids play outside on their beautiful grounds. Flowers and green GREEN grass EVERYWHERE. So so lovely. Kids screamed and played and had a ball and it was fun just being with them. I don't get to do that much with this family.
I will be getting weighed at Weight Watchers this Thursday, but I suspect I have gained everything that I lost due to the fact that I ate and ate and ate some of the best food I've ever had there (and, well, frankly at Mom's too - you should taste her pumpkin bread).
I'm okay with this. I had no expectations for this trip because it was planned in five minutes flat. Because of this, there weren't any disappointments and no need to feel rushed or guilt at anything. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and came back rejuvenated unlike any way I ever have been before. I have just started over with the weight thing and continue to make it a priority.
I'm good.
I'm really, REALLY good...
Monday, August 22, 2011
Monday.
Hello there. It's Monday and it's been a gooooooood day.
Last Thursday ended up okay, with me losing 1.4 pounds for a total of 7.6 pounds in two weeks. I'm happy.
Then I drove home in some of the scariest weather I've ever been in the middle of for Arizona. I drive a teeny tiny car and I honestly thought it was going to carry me away (think of the cow in the movie Twister). After white knuckling it for way too long of a drive, I made it home safely and went to bed.
Woke up Friday with a raging, RAGING migraine. My entire head/face felt like it was full of the dirt that the winds were blowing the night before. It stayed with me until Sunday, when I finally felt "normal" again.
I'm migraine/headache prone unfortunately. And double unfortunately, when the migraines hit, all eating rules go out the window and depression sets in automatically. Eating is the comfort I seek and depression is because those who don't get migraines don't understand them and those who do get them have empathy for you and all one can do is hope and pray it will eventually go away, that those unsympathetic ones will not say anything and even those empathetic ones will also not say anything 'cause frankly, I just wanna be left alone.
Don't talk to me or look at me or judge me or even feel sorry for me. Leave me alone.
And you wonder why I emerge depressed from these things?
So happy it's Monday, I'm migraine free and I'm meeting a dear friend for dinner at a restaurant I've never been to before. Depression medicine if there ever was any!
Last Thursday ended up okay, with me losing 1.4 pounds for a total of 7.6 pounds in two weeks. I'm happy.
Then I drove home in some of the scariest weather I've ever been in the middle of for Arizona. I drive a teeny tiny car and I honestly thought it was going to carry me away (think of the cow in the movie Twister). After white knuckling it for way too long of a drive, I made it home safely and went to bed.
Woke up Friday with a raging, RAGING migraine. My entire head/face felt like it was full of the dirt that the winds were blowing the night before. It stayed with me until Sunday, when I finally felt "normal" again.
I'm migraine/headache prone unfortunately. And double unfortunately, when the migraines hit, all eating rules go out the window and depression sets in automatically. Eating is the comfort I seek and depression is because those who don't get migraines don't understand them and those who do get them have empathy for you and all one can do is hope and pray it will eventually go away, that those unsympathetic ones will not say anything and even those empathetic ones will also not say anything 'cause frankly, I just wanna be left alone.
Don't talk to me or look at me or judge me or even feel sorry for me. Leave me alone.
And you wonder why I emerge depressed from these things?
So happy it's Monday, I'm migraine free and I'm meeting a dear friend for dinner at a restaurant I've never been to before. Depression medicine if there ever was any!
Thursday, August 18, 2011
High/Low
I can't believe the brain I am using today, the attitude and mindset and thoughts and images that I think of today are coming from the same brain that I had a bit more than a month ago.
Today as I got out of bed, I was excited to get ready for work and to come and spend time with people I like and respect. I liked the outfit that I chose and was pleased to see my scale told me I've lost some pounds (won't know for sure till tonight) and I'm just happy.
Just over a month ago I wasn't. I was sad. I was a victim. I was lonely and melancholy and wanted to do nothing but sleep all the time. I skipped Church often, whether it was because of a migraine or because I felt like no one cared whether I showed up or not (those days I usually went to Church but left early). I came up with every excuse possible not to have to socialize with anyone outside of work.
Being in a depressed state, it's really hard to talk yourself out of being miserable. And being miserable made the depressed state that much worse. It is/was a vicious cycle and it's incredibly hard to "snap out of it" as so many people think is all one needs to do.
I don't have a hard and fast rule as to why I'm so good today. I am surrounded by fantastic people, both related to me and not, who build me up on a continuous basis. I've decided people can't care about me if I'm not around to get to know and that attitude has helped me at Church. And I can't expect people to care about me if I don't care about myself.
None of this is different than it was last month when I was so so SO down. I guess I just woke up and decided I can't live like how I was living and continue to be a functional human being who makes a contribution to this world. I know writing about it has REALLY helped and has brought a lot of people to the surface who, it turns out, is suffering as much, if not more than I have suffered through the years. I hate that others have experienced what I have experienced, yet it's nice to know that I haven't been suffering alone.
Talking about it here has made it all but impossible to suffer in private. And I love that. I'm grateful that I don't have to retreat into myself. If I'm having a bad day, I write. But since I started this blog, I really haven't had a very bad day. Coincidence? Possibly. But I think knowing that people know this about me makes it impossible for me to suffer in silence.
Thank you.
Today as I got out of bed, I was excited to get ready for work and to come and spend time with people I like and respect. I liked the outfit that I chose and was pleased to see my scale told me I've lost some pounds (won't know for sure till tonight) and I'm just happy.
Just over a month ago I wasn't. I was sad. I was a victim. I was lonely and melancholy and wanted to do nothing but sleep all the time. I skipped Church often, whether it was because of a migraine or because I felt like no one cared whether I showed up or not (those days I usually went to Church but left early). I came up with every excuse possible not to have to socialize with anyone outside of work.
Being in a depressed state, it's really hard to talk yourself out of being miserable. And being miserable made the depressed state that much worse. It is/was a vicious cycle and it's incredibly hard to "snap out of it" as so many people think is all one needs to do.
I don't have a hard and fast rule as to why I'm so good today. I am surrounded by fantastic people, both related to me and not, who build me up on a continuous basis. I've decided people can't care about me if I'm not around to get to know and that attitude has helped me at Church. And I can't expect people to care about me if I don't care about myself.
None of this is different than it was last month when I was so so SO down. I guess I just woke up and decided I can't live like how I was living and continue to be a functional human being who makes a contribution to this world. I know writing about it has REALLY helped and has brought a lot of people to the surface who, it turns out, is suffering as much, if not more than I have suffered through the years. I hate that others have experienced what I have experienced, yet it's nice to know that I haven't been suffering alone.
Talking about it here has made it all but impossible to suffer in private. And I love that. I'm grateful that I don't have to retreat into myself. If I'm having a bad day, I write. But since I started this blog, I really haven't had a very bad day. Coincidence? Possibly. But I think knowing that people know this about me makes it impossible for me to suffer in silence.
Thank you.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Aunt Momma
I just posted this link on my Facebook page, but wanted to share it here too. I wish I wrote the article myself. I'm not near as articulate, but she expresses everything I feel:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/melanie-notkin/the-invisible-infertility_b_926219.html?ref=fb&src=sp
I have no doubt whatsoever this is a big cause of my depression. Yes, I want to get married and have the man of my dreams think I am the woman of his dreams. But more than anything I have always dreamed of being a mother. It started in my early teens when I was babysitting age, and the desire has increased each year as I turn another year older.
I don't want to minimize how important it is that I get to be an aunt to 23 amazing nieces/nephews and 2 great niece/nephew. It's a blessing that I thank the Lord for every single day. I LOVE "my" kids and I think each and every one of them are pretty dang terrific. I also don't think I could be prouder of each and every one of them if they were my own. These kids (some not so little - my oldest nephew James is 27 years old) have significantly helped this void that I feel and for that I will always be grateful.
Being an Aunt Momma is a blessing, isn't it?
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/melanie-notkin/the-invisible-infertility_b_926219.html?ref=fb&src=sp
I have no doubt whatsoever this is a big cause of my depression. Yes, I want to get married and have the man of my dreams think I am the woman of his dreams. But more than anything I have always dreamed of being a mother. It started in my early teens when I was babysitting age, and the desire has increased each year as I turn another year older.
I don't want to minimize how important it is that I get to be an aunt to 23 amazing nieces/nephews and 2 great niece/nephew. It's a blessing that I thank the Lord for every single day. I LOVE "my" kids and I think each and every one of them are pretty dang terrific. I also don't think I could be prouder of each and every one of them if they were my own. These kids (some not so little - my oldest nephew James is 27 years old) have significantly helped this void that I feel and for that I will always be grateful.
Being an Aunt Momma is a blessing, isn't it?
Monday, August 15, 2011
Tra La La LAME.
Well, I went to my audition. It was at 8:30 p.m. on a Friday night. Such an inconvenient time, but my assigned time nonetheless, so I went. And before I even had a chance to fill out paperwork I was told I could not audition unless I brought a man with me to audition for the men's section.
This was not conveyed to me in any way prior to me arriving there, though they had my phone number and my email address. Their parting remark to me was to not be discouraged, that I can audition again on Wednesday, August 24, as long as I have a man with me. I turned around and left and have decided to figure something else out besides EVMCO. They were highly unprofessional and hearing from many others, I'm not the only one who thinks so.
Their loss.
I let them know as much too. I'm a non-confrontational girl yet I replied to their email letting them know how unhappy I was at their lack of professionalism in this whole matter. I was firm but not rude. But I suspect they won't be inviting me back any time soon.
Back to singing at the top of my lungs in my car. Not such a bad thing really...
This was not conveyed to me in any way prior to me arriving there, though they had my phone number and my email address. Their parting remark to me was to not be discouraged, that I can audition again on Wednesday, August 24, as long as I have a man with me. I turned around and left and have decided to figure something else out besides EVMCO. They were highly unprofessional and hearing from many others, I'm not the only one who thinks so.
Their loss.
I let them know as much too. I'm a non-confrontational girl yet I replied to their email letting them know how unhappy I was at their lack of professionalism in this whole matter. I was firm but not rude. But I suspect they won't be inviting me back any time soon.
Back to singing at the top of my lungs in my car. Not such a bad thing really...
Friday, August 12, 2011
Happy.
This week started out as quite a rough week for me. Today is Friday and I am ending the week on a giddy note.
I went to my second Weight Watchers meeting last night. In one week's time on their eating plan, I've lost 6.2 pounds. And I ate. I never was hungry.
I hate being hungry.
Tonight I am auditioning for the East Valley Mormon Choral Organization (EVMCO). I haven't had to audition for a choir since I tried out for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir in 2001 (didn't make it), and that one I didn't take seriously for the serious choir it is (that is a regret of mine). This one I feel a bit more prepared and am anxious to see how I do.
Today is a good day.
Happy Tara is a good Tara...
I went to my second Weight Watchers meeting last night. In one week's time on their eating plan, I've lost 6.2 pounds. And I ate. I never was hungry.
I hate being hungry.
Tonight I am auditioning for the East Valley Mormon Choral Organization (EVMCO). I haven't had to audition for a choir since I tried out for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir in 2001 (didn't make it), and that one I didn't take seriously for the serious choir it is (that is a regret of mine). This one I feel a bit more prepared and am anxious to see how I do.
Today is a good day.
Happy Tara is a good Tara...
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Pride.
I am one who does not like conflict, whether it involves me or people that I love. I always thought of myself as someone who didn't have a lot of pride and was a very non-judgmental person.
The past couple of weeks have proven me wrong on both accounts and it's been rough, because my mind would not let me stop thinking/obsessing.
I have been recently in a situation where I said some things that hurt a married couple that I love. The things I said were said out of love and concern, but they hurt them all the same and they both confronted me about it.
Because in my mind they were said out of love, I was offended that they were offended and couldn't see past my offense. I responded in a rather snotty way and they called me out on that too.
I could not sleep and my stomach was in knots for days. I kept replaying the situation and the "how wrong they were" scenario in my head over and over and over and was just about on the point of obsessing over it and being willing to totally call off our friendship as a result. "I'm nice! I would never intentionally hurt anyone! Can't they understand that? Why do they keep picking on ME? Where is their love for ME? Don't they know what this is doing to ME?"
Common denominator? All the MEs in those sentences. I didn't truly consider what I had done to THEM. I let my pride get in the way. And then I realized how incredibly judgmental I was being as well. Something I took pride (hmm, there is that word again) in declaring to everyone that I am a very non-judgmental person was the exact reason why I offended these lovely people.
This didn't come to me in a vision or explosion. Just in a very subtle way did I realize that I needed to knock my pride to the curb and that I still owed them a sincere apology. I woke up with that thought in mind a few days ago and immediately acted upon it. It's amazing to me what happened. The moment I did this, the obsession stopped and I felt peace. I also feel like the matter is closed and my married friends have accepted my apology and we are all moving on.
PRIDE dadgumit! I don't remember ever allowing pride to rule my world. It was ugly and had snuck upon me and had almost ruined a good friendship.
I am sharing this story because during all this yucky-ness, I kept thinking in my mind, "Don't they know how a depressed person would deal with this conflict? Don't they know WHY this is killing me more than probably them?" I was using my depression status as a crutch/an excuse. Like I'm entitled to do things or not do things because of the emotional crap I deal with on a daily basis. This is a new realization for me.
Glad I have you to set me straight.
The past couple of weeks have proven me wrong on both accounts and it's been rough, because my mind would not let me stop thinking/obsessing.
I have been recently in a situation where I said some things that hurt a married couple that I love. The things I said were said out of love and concern, but they hurt them all the same and they both confronted me about it.
Because in my mind they were said out of love, I was offended that they were offended and couldn't see past my offense. I responded in a rather snotty way and they called me out on that too.
I could not sleep and my stomach was in knots for days. I kept replaying the situation and the "how wrong they were" scenario in my head over and over and over and was just about on the point of obsessing over it and being willing to totally call off our friendship as a result. "I'm nice! I would never intentionally hurt anyone! Can't they understand that? Why do they keep picking on ME? Where is their love for ME? Don't they know what this is doing to ME?"
Common denominator? All the MEs in those sentences. I didn't truly consider what I had done to THEM. I let my pride get in the way. And then I realized how incredibly judgmental I was being as well. Something I took pride (hmm, there is that word again) in declaring to everyone that I am a very non-judgmental person was the exact reason why I offended these lovely people.
This didn't come to me in a vision or explosion. Just in a very subtle way did I realize that I needed to knock my pride to the curb and that I still owed them a sincere apology. I woke up with that thought in mind a few days ago and immediately acted upon it. It's amazing to me what happened. The moment I did this, the obsession stopped and I felt peace. I also feel like the matter is closed and my married friends have accepted my apology and we are all moving on.
PRIDE dadgumit! I don't remember ever allowing pride to rule my world. It was ugly and had snuck upon me and had almost ruined a good friendship.
I am sharing this story because during all this yucky-ness, I kept thinking in my mind, "Don't they know how a depressed person would deal with this conflict? Don't they know WHY this is killing me more than probably them?" I was using my depression status as a crutch/an excuse. Like I'm entitled to do things or not do things because of the emotional crap I deal with on a daily basis. This is a new realization for me.
Glad I have you to set me straight.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Blah.
I don't feel very good today. I woke up this morning with an overall "blah" feeling, physically and mentally.
I started the day choosing to wear orange and tan clothing to work, thinking the bright colors would help the blahs. All it did was make me look like a pumpkin. Not really a blah-helping thing.
So now I'm drinking a ton of water to flush out whatever the physical blah feeling is. I said I'm sorry to someone who I wronged. I'm hoping that will help flush out the mental blah feeling.
The clothing will just have to be ignored (and then burned).
If you saw my Facebook post today, you'd see I called myself a pumpkin and/or gourd. Totally old behavior.
I've removed the post.
This is progress. Usually I would sink myself into the blah feeling and just let it take over me, almost like I could/would wallow in it and find some (weird) kind of satisfaction in that.
Praying the pro-action will do me some great good.
Ever have a blah day that you just want to, well, have?
I started the day choosing to wear orange and tan clothing to work, thinking the bright colors would help the blahs. All it did was make me look like a pumpkin. Not really a blah-helping thing.
So now I'm drinking a ton of water to flush out whatever the physical blah feeling is. I said I'm sorry to someone who I wronged. I'm hoping that will help flush out the mental blah feeling.
The clothing will just have to be ignored (and then burned).
If you saw my Facebook post today, you'd see I called myself a pumpkin and/or gourd. Totally old behavior.
I've removed the post.
This is progress. Usually I would sink myself into the blah feeling and just let it take over me, almost like I could/would wallow in it and find some (weird) kind of satisfaction in that.
Praying the pro-action will do me some great good.
Ever have a blah day that you just want to, well, have?
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Pillow Talk
When my mom saw that I was blogging again, her response was, "Really Tara? We're doing this again?" She wasn't chastising me for doing it. She was amazed that I continue to blog about things that most people don't ever talk about to those closest to them (how much debt I was in, how much I weigh), much less tell the world.
I laughed and told her this was my way of getting out of my head and being held accountable.
Thinking about it more, I realized blogging is my version of pillow talk. Most know I am single and live alone. I don't have someone to vent to, talk about the day with, wind down at night with. You know. Pillow talk.
You are MY pillow talk and I'm grateful that you listen to me and give me advice. I've gotten some lovely responses to this blog thus far, including advice, opinions, thoughts, etc. and to hear what you say really sits well with me and sinks into my soul.
Thanks for the comfy chats. Can't wait for more!
I laughed and told her this was my way of getting out of my head and being held accountable.
Thinking about it more, I realized blogging is my version of pillow talk. Most know I am single and live alone. I don't have someone to vent to, talk about the day with, wind down at night with. You know. Pillow talk.
You are MY pillow talk and I'm grateful that you listen to me and give me advice. I've gotten some lovely responses to this blog thus far, including advice, opinions, thoughts, etc. and to hear what you say really sits well with me and sinks into my soul.
Thanks for the comfy chats. Can't wait for more!
Friday, August 5, 2011
Issues, Schmissues
I received a lovely note yesterday from my friend Kim. She gave me permission to share what she wrote, which I thought so eloquent:
Depression is terribly common yet usually held secret and with a great deal of shame unnecessarily. I have struggled with similar feelings at times in my life, and it's not easy reaching out for the needed support. Thoughts of worthlessness can be present even when on the outside it seems like the individual has everything life has to offer.
Yes, ultimately we have to choose to or learn how to accept and love ourselves, flaws and all. The bonus is that this ability to fully accept and then trust oneself, through whatever means needed - medication, behavioral therapy, life coaching, faith and prayer - frees one to more readily accept and love, and trust others with their flaws too! The more I trust myself to embrace life fully and know I can "handle" the inevitable challenges that will come, the more I lean on all the support structures available to me, the more open I am to life, the less validation I need from others, the more I see I have to live for, the greater the challenges I accept and the happier I am... the worst thing I can do is isolate, try to wait it out silently until I feel better.
I know I could not have put it better myself.
Why am I putting all of this out there? If you know me at all, you know I've done a debt blog and a weight blog (this one lasted about two minutes). I am single, have no dependents and have never had anyone to answer to. When I "share" these inner struggles of mine, I make myself accountable to all of you out there. No more secrets.
It's incredibly selfish of me to do this. Putting MY thoughts and feelings and struggles and temporary helps and what hopefully are permanent helps on here, but I hope in my heart that maybe someone else can relate and possibly learn from my issues.
And yes, I have issues, I know.
Depression is terribly common yet usually held secret and with a great deal of shame unnecessarily. I have struggled with similar feelings at times in my life, and it's not easy reaching out for the needed support. Thoughts of worthlessness can be present even when on the outside it seems like the individual has everything life has to offer.
Yes, ultimately we have to choose to or learn how to accept and love ourselves, flaws and all. The bonus is that this ability to fully accept and then trust oneself, through whatever means needed - medication, behavioral therapy, life coaching, faith and prayer - frees one to more readily accept and love, and trust others with their flaws too! The more I trust myself to embrace life fully and know I can "handle" the inevitable challenges that will come, the more I lean on all the support structures available to me, the more open I am to life, the less validation I need from others, the more I see I have to live for, the greater the challenges I accept and the happier I am... the worst thing I can do is isolate, try to wait it out silently until I feel better.
I know I could not have put it better myself.
Why am I putting all of this out there? If you know me at all, you know I've done a debt blog and a weight blog (this one lasted about two minutes). I am single, have no dependents and have never had anyone to answer to. When I "share" these inner struggles of mine, I make myself accountable to all of you out there. No more secrets.
It's incredibly selfish of me to do this. Putting MY thoughts and feelings and struggles and temporary helps and what hopefully are permanent helps on here, but I hope in my heart that maybe someone else can relate and possibly learn from my issues.
And yes, I have issues, I know.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Why is it so scary...
...to talk about depression? It is something that I have that feels like it's been a deep, dark secret of mine. YEARS and years I have been keeping this awful secret because no one could possibly understand and would think me silly for feeling these actual feelings of heartache. Keeping something like this secret just feeds upon the depressed feelings and until recently, I have never felt so low, so worthless, so ugly and so not needed.
Clinical depression is as much of an illness as asthma, hypothyroidism (I had that and was able to surgically remove the bad thyroid, can't do it very easily with messed up chemicals), arthritis, etc. At least that's how I've decided to look at it.
My lowest depressed state was a couple of weeks ago. I called my home teachers (priesthood holders in my Church) and asked them to come over and give me a priesthood blessing. The reason? I felt like Satan has been in my head and the feelings of absolute desperation and loneliness and worthlessness were at their peak and I could not get away from these feelings. My heart knew they couldn't be true, but my head was continuously disagreeing and winning the argument. I had even gone to my doctor to up my dosage of "happy pills," which seemed to take the edge off, but they couldn't get me out of my head and I was absolutely convinced that I had no purpose here on earth other than to be an aunt to OTHER kids (not my own) and to be an assistant to my boss who didn't seem to need me any longer. I felt like my sisters had their own families and didn't need to worry about me (I wouldn't ever ask them to). I felt like my Church didn't have any use for a single, 40-year old woman in a family ward and didn't seem to miss me when I didn't go to Church or came home early. Friends had their own families to enjoy/worry about and some single friends recently found new boyfriends. Who wants to hang out with your girlfriends when you have a wonderful guy to dote on you?
I was left alone and felt like I was the only person in the world who cared about me. And that's the kicker. I didn't care about myself. I LOATHED myself. I wished a great illness upon myself so someone else would HAVE to worry about me.
That's not normal and certainly not healthy.
My blessing is a private matter between me and the Lord, but He said some wonderful things in it that lifted my soul and filled my being with warmth and truth and LIGHT. I went to bed that night for the first time in what felt like MONTHS with a light heart and a desire to get up in the morning.
I was able to spend some time with a majority of my family in Utah. That also "filled my well" so to speak and helped alleviate some of these awful feelings.
I signed up to audition for a local choral group next week. Singing was my favorite thing to do my entire life, and yet lately I have found myself not even singing to the radio by myself in the car. Auditioning for and hopefully making this choral group will get me to sing even if I don't wanna, and it will help me to get out of my head more as well as meet new people.
The piano was my favorite thing to turn to when I was mad or sad or glad. I don't sit and play anymore and haven't for quite a long time. I have set a goal to learn a new song on the piano. I haven't had piano lessons in years and years and haven't had to challenge myself to learn a song for a very long time. It's time for challenges.
I am attending my very first Weight Watchers meeting tonight. I have never done WW, but I'm excited to try this way of eating and am excited I get to now see my very best childhood friend every week because we are going together.
I kinda think I'm even excited to get on that blasted treadmill. Okay. That was a lie. I guess I figured if I wrote it out and publicly declared it, it would become truth. Maybe someday. Just not right now. I gotta do it. I just don't wanna. That is the absolute truth.
One step at a time...
Clinical depression is as much of an illness as asthma, hypothyroidism (I had that and was able to surgically remove the bad thyroid, can't do it very easily with messed up chemicals), arthritis, etc. At least that's how I've decided to look at it.
My lowest depressed state was a couple of weeks ago. I called my home teachers (priesthood holders in my Church) and asked them to come over and give me a priesthood blessing. The reason? I felt like Satan has been in my head and the feelings of absolute desperation and loneliness and worthlessness were at their peak and I could not get away from these feelings. My heart knew they couldn't be true, but my head was continuously disagreeing and winning the argument. I had even gone to my doctor to up my dosage of "happy pills," which seemed to take the edge off, but they couldn't get me out of my head and I was absolutely convinced that I had no purpose here on earth other than to be an aunt to OTHER kids (not my own) and to be an assistant to my boss who didn't seem to need me any longer. I felt like my sisters had their own families and didn't need to worry about me (I wouldn't ever ask them to). I felt like my Church didn't have any use for a single, 40-year old woman in a family ward and didn't seem to miss me when I didn't go to Church or came home early. Friends had their own families to enjoy/worry about and some single friends recently found new boyfriends. Who wants to hang out with your girlfriends when you have a wonderful guy to dote on you?
I was left alone and felt like I was the only person in the world who cared about me. And that's the kicker. I didn't care about myself. I LOATHED myself. I wished a great illness upon myself so someone else would HAVE to worry about me.
That's not normal and certainly not healthy.
My blessing is a private matter between me and the Lord, but He said some wonderful things in it that lifted my soul and filled my being with warmth and truth and LIGHT. I went to bed that night for the first time in what felt like MONTHS with a light heart and a desire to get up in the morning.
I was able to spend some time with a majority of my family in Utah. That also "filled my well" so to speak and helped alleviate some of these awful feelings.
I signed up to audition for a local choral group next week. Singing was my favorite thing to do my entire life, and yet lately I have found myself not even singing to the radio by myself in the car. Auditioning for and hopefully making this choral group will get me to sing even if I don't wanna, and it will help me to get out of my head more as well as meet new people.
The piano was my favorite thing to turn to when I was mad or sad or glad. I don't sit and play anymore and haven't for quite a long time. I have set a goal to learn a new song on the piano. I haven't had piano lessons in years and years and haven't had to challenge myself to learn a song for a very long time. It's time for challenges.
I am attending my very first Weight Watchers meeting tonight. I have never done WW, but I'm excited to try this way of eating and am excited I get to now see my very best childhood friend every week because we are going together.
One step at a time...
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