Wishes

My mom always had this strange quote that she said to us, her daughters, often.  Apparently my Grandpa Nelson is the one who said it during her childhood:  "Wish in one hand.  Spit in the other.  See which one fills up first."

Wishes are not tangible.  Spit is.  I understand the message there.  But wishing is so much more of a part of my life than spitting in my hand (eew, gross).  There are so many things/situations I wish for these days.  They are filling my head up and honestly bringing me down a bit:

• I wish I was someone that an employer absolutely had to have, no matter the cost.
• I wish my dad were alive.  I sure could have used and continue to use his wisdom today.
• I wish my out-of-state family lived closer to me.  My family has always brought me comfort.
• I wish I could enjoy Arizona's awesome monsoon season.  It hurts me too much.
• I wish I had a special someone to lean on, love, and serve.
• I wish I was able to live without money.
• I wish I could take each of my nieces/nephews on 1:1 vacations.
• I wish I didn't cry so dang much.
• I wish I had Kaylynn's metabolism.
• I wish I didn't have Tara's appetite.
• I wish for my marriageable-aged nieces/nephews to find their love and marry them for eternity sooner rather than later.
• I wish to go on an office mission and share my talents doing the Lord's work.
• I wish I wasn't in debt in order to make this happen.
• I wish I were more of a leader rather than a drifter.
• I wish I could figure out what to put on the red wall behind my TV.
• I wish I were a better visiting teacher.
• I wish I were a better friend.
• I wish I didn't like pizza so much.
• I wish I did like veggies a whole lot more.
• I wish for more good surprises in my life.  Not these bad ones that seem to keep happening.
• I wish I could keep my problems in perspective - realizing people are suffering so much more than me.
• I wish I didn't have to find another job - I was just getting into a great groove at my current one.
• I wish I could travel more (other than to Utah, Colorado and California).
• I wish I were truly happy being alone.
• I wish bugs/spiders/insects didn't completely wig me out.
• I wish these damn headaches would really go away.
• I wish I knew how to serve others better.  I'm way too caught up in my own issues...
• I wish to love again.

Many of these things are possibilities and I recognize that.  Things I can work on and make happen.  I guess I wish for someone to be alongside me to help me realize these things.

Wish in one hand.  Spit in the other.  See which one fills up first.

Time to work on making wishes more tangible I 'spose...

AGAIN.

My boss called me in this afternoon to let me know how much he enjoys me, how impressed he is with my quickness and thoroughness and how fast I've caught on and how wonderful my basic human-ness (his word) is.  He then told me they have decided to hire an associate attorney, and they can't afford an attorney AND a Tara, therefore the Tara needs to be let go.  He's letting me stay put until the end of October if necessary, but has asked me to start looking right away for another job.

Again.

I put this on my Facebook post a little while ago and I'll state it here:

What is it that I need to learn?  The Lord has put me through some rather difficult/interesting trials this year (I will admit I am looking forward to 2012 being OVER) and they are still coming at me.

What do I need to learn and how much more humility do I need to learn/experience?

I'm not whining.  That last phrase probably sounds like I am.  I'm really not.  It's a genuine question I have and I don't like NOT knowing.

Anyway, please keep me in mind if you hear of any admin positions opening up anywhere (preferably) in the east valley.

Thanks friends.

ApparentlyNotYetHumbledEnough...

Tara

Migraines

For the past two days, I have been lying low dealing with a migraine.  It started as a headache off and on all day on Sunday.  I woke up Monday with a massive heartbeat type of feel over my right eye.  I took one of my muscle relaxers and went back to bed.  Woke up again and it was worse - the throbbing had moved to all over my eyes and sinuses and neck and it stayed that way all day long.

I felt a little bit better last night and was hoping for a good, normal day at work again, until I woke up early this morning feeling just as awful as yesterday, but today I have little pimples all over my lower lip.  Strangest thing I've ever dealt with.  Along with more muscle relaxers, I've been swabbing hydrogen peroxide all over my face about every hour.

I'm a mess and I hurt and I am down down DOWN.

I am a 1099 employee and don't get any paid time off.  So to miss two days of work is really hard on my pocketbook, especially since I get paid less than what I did when I left Infusionsoft.  Quite a bit less.

And this, sadly, adds to my depression.  I was able to deal with broken engagements and cruel words without being too terribly depressed about it - yes I was sad and hurt, but depression never set in.  Now that I'm down with a migraine, pimples everywhere, hurting and being able to do nothing but think, depression has settled in a bit and I'm reliving/rehashing all the things that was said to me during Jim's email/texting tirade against me.

They weren't pretty words and some of them are rather damaging.

I know Father loves me and I know He took me out of a potentially harmful situation and I'm grateful for Him, for my family and for my friends who I love dearly and who I know dearly love me.  But sometimes, the words break through and I'm not nice to myself.

I'm just writing this down so I remember feeling this way.  I have found when I write things down, I can deal with them better and process them properly, rather than hang on to them or chew on them longer than they deserve to have attention brought to them.

We watched a video in Relief Society yesterday - I loved it and identified with it and I think it's part of the reason why I'm finally allowing myself to really process some of the things said.  Take a look:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3QCkBL2DfVg

I pray during this migraining time that I can chisel away some of these ugly words that were put in to my head, not only by a certain someone, but they were put there by myself as well.  I'm not kind to myself and, well, how dare I not be kind of one of Father's children?

Pray these migraines and pimples (and pimples sounds like a teenybopper thing - these are like welts/boils) and ugly thoughts turn into something productive and helpful and helps me be a better person to those of you out there who care to read my thoughts anyway.

I want to serve and I pray that I get more of those opportunities to serve you.  I have had my share of those serving me and all I want to do is repay the kindness and goodness of others.  But I need to be kind to myself in order to be kind to others.

Why is that so hard?

Grateful.

I am so grateful.

I'm grateful for lessons learned (albeit REALLY hard lessons sometimes).

I'm grateful for the men in my life - the ones related to me and those that are my friends (and they all seem to fall into that category).

I'm grateful for the power of prayer.

I'm grateful that I KNOW my worth.

I'm grateful for a job that took quite some time getting used to, but that I really enjoy doing and enjoy coming in to the office each day.

I'm grateful for my mom and her wisdom and sympathy and EMPATHY.  I love my mom.

I'm grateful for my sisters and their friendships and wise cracks and solidarity.  And I'm grateful they chose such fantastic men to be their husbands and the fathers to their ("my") kids.

I'm grateful for Kaylynn.  How is it we have never known each other before this year?

I'm grateful for Kent and Scott and their wisdom and advice they share with me regularly (and provide me with a regular paycheck).

I'm grateful for Candace and the hug she impulsively stopped by my home to give me.

I'm grateful for Wende and her reaching out to me.

I'm grateful to Allison for the out-of-the-blue invite to me to her dinner group.

I'm grateful to Jed and my instant friendship with him as he married in to my friend family.

I'm grateful for emails and texts and Facebook notes that continuously lift me up and make me smile.

I'm grateful to be back in my own ward, amongst my ward family and friends, and that I get to keep my same calling.

I'm grateful for priesthood blessings.

I'm grateful that I'm not bitter or even angry, and that I'm excited to have learned from recent experiences so I can apply that knowledge to new relationships.

And I'm grateful to Pinterest - because frankly, where have all of these quotes been all my life?