Buggered.

K, I already did a post called Bugged, so I needed a new word.

I think I like BUGGERED a bit better, 'cause I'm feeling it a lot lately.

I'm buggered that H and J decided to divorce. I'm buggered that C seems to think I'm responsible for the craziness that he/she experiences. I'm buggered that D is angry with me. I'm buggered that J and B have lost something precious to them. I'm buggered that J doesn't seem interested in talking to me any more. I'm buggered that A never initiates contact. I'm buggered that A and L continue to experience a loss that no one can imagine. I'm buggered that M is so sarcastic on FB.

I'm buggered that I only get hits on my dating profile from 70+ year old men, men who live in Arab nations, or men that are 5'1". NO. LIE.

I'm just buggered. It means I'm bugged and sad and confused and irritated and chuckling all in one word.

Buggered.

Idle.

Not as in "American Idle" (though you would be spelling it wrong if you thought that).

As in TIME TO STOP BEING Idle.

Last week's date has REALLY got me to thinking. How can I expect the Lord to send me "my" guy when I'm not willing to do anything to put myself out there? Being 41, LDS and single is not the easiest market to put myself in, yet there are avenues that I have, up to this point, been completely unwilling to travel.

Time to go on a trip.

I purchased a 6-month membership to www.ldssingles.com on Saturday and have signed up for a free membership to www.ldsplanet.com yesterday. I'm not sure what will happen, but I NEED to do my part to TRY to make SOMETHING happen.

I'm uncomfortable doing this. These online things seem to be all about appearances - am I cute enough to warrant a "flirt" or is he handsome enough for me to "smile" at. That's so not me in any way, shape or form.

So I admit I'm rather skeptical at this path, yet I KNOW there are many, MANY success stories of those who have gone this direction (along with the success stories I've also heard many horror stories - trying to go positive here). But I'm doing it with an open mind and heart, and a LOT of prayer.

I just wanna date and learn to socialize again. Please pray that I find that ability (and maybe a "he" in the process)...

Date.

I miss dating. I miss the butterflies in the tummy wondering if this guy could possibly be fun enough to warrant another date. I miss having a purpose to get a little "readier" than normal.

I had a date on Wednesday night. I thoroughly enjoyed having the car door opened for me by a very good-smelling man.

I enjoyed the conversation to and from our party that we went to.

I enjoyed having a person there who was there to be with me. We played games and shot baskets and shot down pirates (the date was at Dave and Busters), all together. I wasn't ever left alone.

I enjoyed the fact that the conversation that started in the car continued long after we pulled back up to his house and that I didn't get home until midnight.

I enjoyed the fact that there was a reason to stay up so late on a "school" night.

I had a blast on this date. The guy is a good friend of mine and though we've known and seen and talked to each other a lot through the years, this was the only time we've actually been on a date.

And it was nice. A really nice date.

I want another one. Whether it's with this guy or someone else, I want to date again. I used to do it all the time. I found an old calendar of mine the other day. It was a wall calendar that I had in high school. There was the word "date" almost every weekend, sometimes twice a weekend.

I have lost total confidence in myself. I don't put myself "out there" at all any more because frankly, why would anyone want to date a fatty. I know that's harsh, but I've felt that way, continue to feel that way and will probably always feel that way.

I think I feel that way because I haven't dated. This date I had this week was the first one in about two years, and it happened because I asked the guy out. The several that were prior to this were all blind dates. I haven't been asked out by someone because they want to be with me since close to high school. Most dates were set up by someone who knew someone who thought we'd be perfect together.

I enjoy blind dates. I like to meet new people.

But I wanna date. I wanna just be myself and know that the guy I'm with is choosing to be with me. Me. Tara.

I REALLY need to get back on that treadmill...