High/Low

I can't believe the brain I am using today, the attitude and mindset and thoughts and images that I think of today are coming from the same brain that I had a bit more than a month ago.

Today as I got out of bed, I was excited to get ready for work and to come and spend time with people I like and respect. I liked the outfit that I chose and was pleased to see my scale told me I've lost some pounds (won't know for sure till tonight) and I'm just happy.

Just over a month ago I wasn't. I was sad. I was a victim. I was lonely and melancholy and wanted to do nothing but sleep all the time. I skipped Church often, whether it was because of a migraine or because I felt like no one cared whether I showed up or not (those days I usually went to Church but left early). I came up with every excuse possible not to have to socialize with anyone outside of work.

Being in a depressed state, it's really hard to talk yourself out of being miserable. And being miserable made the depressed state that much worse. It is/was a vicious cycle and it's incredibly hard to "snap out of it" as so many people think is all one needs to do.

I don't have a hard and fast rule as to why I'm so good today. I am surrounded by fantastic people, both related to me and not, who build me up on a continuous basis. I've decided people can't care about me if I'm not around to get to know and that attitude has helped me at Church. And I can't expect people to care about me if I don't care about myself.

None of this is different than it was last month when I was so so SO down. I guess I just woke up and decided I can't live like how I was living and continue to be a functional human being who makes a contribution to this world. I know writing about it has REALLY helped and has brought a lot of people to the surface who, it turns out, is suffering as much, if not more than I have suffered through the years. I hate that others have experienced what I have experienced, yet it's nice to know that I haven't been suffering alone.

Talking about it here has made it all but impossible to suffer in private. And I love that. I'm grateful that I don't have to retreat into myself. If I'm having a bad day, I write. But since I started this blog, I really haven't had a very bad day. Coincidence? Possibly. But I think knowing that people know this about me makes it impossible for me to suffer in silence.

Thank you.