Monday.

Hello there. It's Monday and it's been a gooooooood day.

Last Thursday ended up okay, with me losing 1.4 pounds for a total of 7.6 pounds in two weeks. I'm happy.

Then I drove home in some of the scariest weather I've ever been in the middle of for Arizona. I drive a teeny tiny car and I honestly thought it was going to carry me away (think of the cow in the movie Twister). After white knuckling it for way too long of a drive, I made it home safely and went to bed.

Woke up Friday with a raging, RAGING migraine. My entire head/face felt like it was full of the dirt that the winds were blowing the night before. It stayed with me until Sunday, when I finally felt "normal" again.

I'm migraine/headache prone unfortunately. And double unfortunately, when the migraines hit, all eating rules go out the window and depression sets in automatically. Eating is the comfort I seek and depression is because those who don't get migraines don't understand them and those who do get them have empathy for you and all one can do is hope and pray it will eventually go away, that those unsympathetic ones will not say anything and even those empathetic ones will also not say anything 'cause frankly, I just wanna be left alone.

Don't talk to me or look at me or judge me or even feel sorry for me. Leave me alone.

And you wonder why I emerge depressed from these things?

So happy it's Monday, I'm migraine free and I'm meeting a dear friend for dinner at a restaurant I've never been to before. Depression medicine if there ever was any!

Pinterest

I'm addicted.

But anyway, saw this and had to post:

High/Low

I can't believe the brain I am using today, the attitude and mindset and thoughts and images that I think of today are coming from the same brain that I had a bit more than a month ago.

Today as I got out of bed, I was excited to get ready for work and to come and spend time with people I like and respect. I liked the outfit that I chose and was pleased to see my scale told me I've lost some pounds (won't know for sure till tonight) and I'm just happy.

Just over a month ago I wasn't. I was sad. I was a victim. I was lonely and melancholy and wanted to do nothing but sleep all the time. I skipped Church often, whether it was because of a migraine or because I felt like no one cared whether I showed up or not (those days I usually went to Church but left early). I came up with every excuse possible not to have to socialize with anyone outside of work.

Being in a depressed state, it's really hard to talk yourself out of being miserable. And being miserable made the depressed state that much worse. It is/was a vicious cycle and it's incredibly hard to "snap out of it" as so many people think is all one needs to do.

I don't have a hard and fast rule as to why I'm so good today. I am surrounded by fantastic people, both related to me and not, who build me up on a continuous basis. I've decided people can't care about me if I'm not around to get to know and that attitude has helped me at Church. And I can't expect people to care about me if I don't care about myself.

None of this is different than it was last month when I was so so SO down. I guess I just woke up and decided I can't live like how I was living and continue to be a functional human being who makes a contribution to this world. I know writing about it has REALLY helped and has brought a lot of people to the surface who, it turns out, is suffering as much, if not more than I have suffered through the years. I hate that others have experienced what I have experienced, yet it's nice to know that I haven't been suffering alone.

Talking about it here has made it all but impossible to suffer in private. And I love that. I'm grateful that I don't have to retreat into myself. If I'm having a bad day, I write. But since I started this blog, I really haven't had a very bad day. Coincidence? Possibly. But I think knowing that people know this about me makes it impossible for me to suffer in silence.

Thank you.

Aunt Momma

I just posted this link on my Facebook page, but wanted to share it here too. I wish I wrote the article myself. I'm not near as articulate, but she expresses everything I feel:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/melanie-notkin/the-invisible-infertility_b_926219.html?ref=fb&src=sp

I have no doubt whatsoever this is a big cause of my depression. Yes, I want to get married and have the man of my dreams think I am the woman of his dreams. But more than anything I have always dreamed of being a mother. It started in my early teens when I was babysitting age, and the desire has increased each year as I turn another year older.

I don't want to minimize how important it is that I get to be an aunt to 23 amazing nieces/nephews and 2 great niece/nephew. It's a blessing that I thank the Lord for every single day. I LOVE "my" kids and I think each and every one of them are pretty dang terrific. I also don't think I could be prouder of each and every one of them if they were my own. These kids (some not so little - my oldest nephew James is 27 years old) have significantly helped this void that I feel and for that I will always be grateful.

Being an Aunt Momma is a blessing, isn't it?

Tra La La LAME.

Well, I went to my audition. It was at 8:30 p.m. on a Friday night. Such an inconvenient time, but my assigned time nonetheless, so I went. And before I even had a chance to fill out paperwork I was told I could not audition unless I brought a man with me to audition for the men's section.

This was not conveyed to me in any way prior to me arriving there, though they had my phone number and my email address. Their parting remark to me was to not be discouraged, that I can audition again on Wednesday, August 24, as long as I have a man with me. I turned around and left and have decided to figure something else out besides EVMCO. They were highly unprofessional and hearing from many others, I'm not the only one who thinks so.

Their loss.

I let them know as much too. I'm a non-confrontational girl yet I replied to their email letting them know how unhappy I was at their lack of professionalism in this whole matter. I was firm but not rude. But I suspect they won't be inviting me back any time soon.

Back to singing at the top of my lungs in my car. Not such a bad thing really...

Happy.

This week started out as quite a rough week for me. Today is Friday and I am ending the week on a giddy note.

I went to my second Weight Watchers meeting last night. In one week's time on their eating plan, I've lost 6.2 pounds. And I ate. I never was hungry.

I hate being hungry.

Tonight I am auditioning for the East Valley Mormon Choral Organization (EVMCO). I haven't had to audition for a choir since I tried out for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir in 2001 (didn't make it), and that one I didn't take seriously for the serious choir it is (that is a regret of mine). This one I feel a bit more prepared and am anxious to see how I do.

Today is a good day.

Happy Tara is a good Tara...

Pride.

I am one who does not like conflict, whether it involves me or people that I love. I always thought of myself as someone who didn't have a lot of pride and was a very non-judgmental person.

The past couple of weeks have proven me wrong on both accounts and it's been rough, because my mind would not let me stop thinking/obsessing.

I have been recently in a situation where I said some things that hurt a married couple that I love. The things I said were said out of love and concern, but they hurt them all the same and they both confronted me about it.

Because in my mind they were said out of love, I was offended that they were offended and couldn't see past my offense. I responded in a rather snotty way and they called me out on that too.

I could not sleep and my stomach was in knots for days. I kept replaying the situation and the "how wrong they were" scenario in my head over and over and over and was just about on the point of obsessing over it and being willing to totally call off our friendship as a result. "I'm nice! I would never intentionally hurt anyone! Can't they understand that? Why do they keep picking on ME? Where is their love for ME? Don't they know what this is doing to ME?"

Common denominator? All the MEs in those sentences. I didn't truly consider what I had done to THEM. I let my pride get in the way. And then I realized how incredibly judgmental I was being as well. Something I took pride (hmm, there is that word again) in declaring to everyone that I am a very non-judgmental person was the exact reason why I offended these lovely people.

This didn't come to me in a vision or explosion. Just in a very subtle way did I realize that I needed to knock my pride to the curb and that I still owed them a sincere apology. I woke up with that thought in mind a few days ago and immediately acted upon it. It's amazing to me what happened. The moment I did this, the obsession stopped and I felt peace. I also feel like the matter is closed and my married friends have accepted my apology and we are all moving on.

PRIDE dadgumit! I don't remember ever allowing pride to rule my world. It was ugly and had snuck upon me and had almost ruined a good friendship.

I am sharing this story because during all this yucky-ness, I kept thinking in my mind, "Don't they know how a depressed person would deal with this conflict? Don't they know WHY this is killing me more than probably them?" I was using my depression status as a crutch/an excuse. Like I'm entitled to do things or not do things because of the emotional crap I deal with on a daily basis. This is a new realization for me.

Glad I have you to set me straight.

Blah.

I don't feel very good today. I woke up this morning with an overall "blah" feeling, physically and mentally.

I started the day choosing to wear orange and tan clothing to work, thinking the bright colors would help the blahs. All it did was make me look like a pumpkin. Not really a blah-helping thing.

So now I'm drinking a ton of water to flush out whatever the physical blah feeling is. I said I'm sorry to someone who I wronged. I'm hoping that will help flush out the mental blah feeling.

The clothing will just have to be ignored (and then burned).

If you saw my Facebook post today, you'd see I called myself a pumpkin and/or gourd. Totally old behavior.

I've removed the post.

This is progress. Usually I would sink myself into the blah feeling and just let it take over me, almost like I could/would wallow in it and find some (weird) kind of satisfaction in that.

Praying the pro-action will do me some great good.

Ever have a blah day that you just want to, well, have?

Pillow Talk

When my mom saw that I was blogging again, her response was, "Really Tara? We're doing this again?" She wasn't chastising me for doing it. She was amazed that I continue to blog about things that most people don't ever talk about to those closest to them (how much debt I was in, how much I weigh), much less tell the world.

I laughed and told her this was my way of getting out of my head and being held accountable.

Thinking about it more, I realized blogging is my version of pillow talk. Most know I am single and live alone. I don't have someone to vent to, talk about the day with, wind down at night with. You know. Pillow talk.

You are MY pillow talk and I'm grateful that you listen to me and give me advice. I've gotten some lovely responses to this blog thus far, including advice, opinions, thoughts, etc. and to hear what you say really sits well with me and sinks into my soul.

Thanks for the comfy chats. Can't wait for more!

Issues, Schmissues

I received a lovely note yesterday from my friend Kim. She gave me permission to share what she wrote, which I thought so eloquent:

Depression is terribly common yet usually held secret and with a great deal of shame unnecessarily. I have struggled with similar feelings at times in my life, and it's not easy reaching out for the needed support. Thoughts of worthlessness can be present even when on the outside it seems like the individual has everything life has to offer.


Yes, ultimately we have to choose to or learn how to accept and love ourselves, flaws and all. The bonus is that this ability to fully accept and then trust oneself, through whatever means needed - medication, behavioral therapy, life coaching, faith and prayer - frees one to more readily accept and love, and trust others with their flaws too! The more I trust myself to embrace life fully and know I can "handle" the inevitable challenges that will come, the more I lean on all the support structures available to me, the more open I am to life, the less validation I need from others, the more I see I have to live for, the greater the challenges I accept and the happier I am... the worst thing I can do is isolate, try to wait it out silently until I feel better.

I know I could not have put it better myself.

Why am I putting all of this out there? If you know me at all, you know I've done a debt blog and a weight blog (this one lasted about two minutes). I am single, have no dependents and have never had anyone to answer to. When I "share" these inner struggles of mine, I make myself accountable to all of you out there. No more secrets.

It's incredibly selfish of me to do this. Putting MY thoughts and feelings and struggles and temporary helps and what hopefully are permanent helps on here, but I hope in my heart that maybe someone else can relate and possibly learn from my issues.

And yes, I have issues, I know.

Why is it so scary...

...to talk about depression?  It is something that I have that feels like it's been a deep, dark secret of mine.  YEARS and years I have been keeping this awful secret because no one could possibly understand and would think me silly for feeling these actual feelings of heartache. Keeping something like this secret just feeds upon the depressed feelings and until recently, I have never felt so low, so worthless, so ugly and so not needed.

Clinical depression is as much of an illness as asthma, hypothyroidism (I had that and was able to surgically remove the bad thyroid, can't do it very easily with messed up chemicals), arthritis, etc. At least that's how I've decided to look at it.

My lowest depressed state was a couple of weeks ago. I called my home teachers (priesthood holders in my Church) and asked them to come over and give me a priesthood blessing.  The reason?  I felt like Satan has been in my head and the feelings of absolute desperation and loneliness and worthlessness were at their peak and I could not get away from these feelings. My heart knew they couldn't be true, but my head was continuously disagreeing and winning the argument.  I had even gone to my doctor to up my dosage of "happy pills," which seemed to take the edge off, but they couldn't get me out of my head and I was absolutely convinced that I had no purpose here on earth other than to be an aunt to OTHER kids (not my own) and to be an assistant to my boss who didn't seem to need me any longer. I felt like my sisters had their own families and didn't need to worry about me (I wouldn't ever ask them to). I felt like my Church didn't have any use for a single, 40-year old woman in a family ward and didn't seem to miss me when I didn't go to Church or came home early. Friends had their own families to enjoy/worry about and some single friends recently found new boyfriends. Who wants to hang out with your girlfriends when you have a wonderful guy to dote on you?

I was left alone and felt like I was the only person in the world who cared about me.  And that's the kicker.  I didn't care about myself.  I LOATHED myself.  I wished a great illness upon myself so someone else would HAVE to worry about me.

That's not normal and certainly not healthy.

My blessing is a private matter between me and the Lord, but He said some wonderful things in it that lifted my soul and filled my being with warmth and truth and LIGHT.  I went to bed that night for the first time in what felt like MONTHS with a light heart and a desire to get up in the morning.

I was able to spend some time with a majority of my family in Utah. That also "filled my well" so to speak and helped alleviate some of these awful feelings.

I signed up to audition for a local choral group next week. Singing was my favorite thing to do my entire life, and yet lately I have found myself not even singing to the radio by myself in the car. Auditioning for and hopefully making this choral group will get me to sing even if I don't wanna, and it will help me to get out of my head more as well as meet new people.

The piano was my favorite thing to turn to when I was mad or sad or glad. I don't sit and play anymore and haven't for quite a long time.  I have set a goal to learn a new song on the piano. I haven't had piano lessons in years and years and haven't had to challenge myself to learn a song for a very long time. It's time for challenges.

I am attending my very first Weight Watchers meeting tonight. I have never done WW, but I'm excited to try this way of eating and am excited I get to now see my very best childhood friend every week because we are going together.

I kinda think I'm even excited to get on that blasted treadmill.  Okay. That was a lie.  I guess I figured if I wrote it out and publicly declared it, it would become truth.  Maybe someday.  Just not right now. I gotta do it. I just don't wanna. That is the absolute truth.

One step at a time...