Date.

I miss dating. I miss the butterflies in the tummy wondering if this guy could possibly be fun enough to warrant another date. I miss having a purpose to get a little "readier" than normal.

I had a date on Wednesday night. I thoroughly enjoyed having the car door opened for me by a very good-smelling man.

I enjoyed the conversation to and from our party that we went to.

I enjoyed having a person there who was there to be with me. We played games and shot baskets and shot down pirates (the date was at Dave and Busters), all together. I wasn't ever left alone.

I enjoyed the fact that the conversation that started in the car continued long after we pulled back up to his house and that I didn't get home until midnight.

I enjoyed the fact that there was a reason to stay up so late on a "school" night.

I had a blast on this date. The guy is a good friend of mine and though we've known and seen and talked to each other a lot through the years, this was the only time we've actually been on a date.

And it was nice. A really nice date.

I want another one. Whether it's with this guy or someone else, I want to date again. I used to do it all the time. I found an old calendar of mine the other day. It was a wall calendar that I had in high school. There was the word "date" almost every weekend, sometimes twice a weekend.

I have lost total confidence in myself. I don't put myself "out there" at all any more because frankly, why would anyone want to date a fatty. I know that's harsh, but I've felt that way, continue to feel that way and will probably always feel that way.

I think I feel that way because I haven't dated. This date I had this week was the first one in about two years, and it happened because I asked the guy out. The several that were prior to this were all blind dates. I haven't been asked out by someone because they want to be with me since close to high school. Most dates were set up by someone who knew someone who thought we'd be perfect together.

I enjoy blind dates. I like to meet new people.

But I wanna date. I wanna just be myself and know that the guy I'm with is choosing to be with me. Me. Tara.

I REALLY need to get back on that treadmill...