Tears.

Definitely not having a great week. Way too inside my head again. I ugly-cried all the way home yesterday in my car. No reason. Just cried and felt dumb for crying and really wanted a good hard hug, but cried harder because there wasn't anyone to deliver that hug.

I know part of this (maybe a very large part of this) is because I'm PMSing. Hey - we ALL know "it" happens to women so why be shy talking about it? But these PMS episodes lately are really bad. And the "special" thing that follows is also really, REALLY bad (I had to call in sick last month due to feminine issues - never done THAT before). I am actually wondering if it wouldn't be worth it to stop the special times for good.

I think I've found the source of my tears.

I am 40 (almost 41) and single and childless. I will not have any children unless I get married. Since the man of my dreams has yet to show his face, my ability to have children naturally gets less and less likely. And there's my dilemma. Do I take the (likely) chance that having biological children is not in the cards for me and do something permanent about it, or do I get more and more miserable as each month comes with the hope that "HE" is right around the corner and "THEY" will be coming to me soon?

The ugly cry yesterday, I believe, was in fear and loathing of what's coming next week because of it's awfulness.

All of my prayers lately have covered this subject and I just don't know what I want to do. I have a doctor's appointment in November that I plan on discussing this with him. But I don't hold a lot of hope there. I'm not sure why.

Depression is sure ugly and honestly I'M SO TIRED OF IT. It makes things so much worse than they are to anyone else. And I recognize/realize that in the grand scheme of things, this is so insignificant. But it's so major in my mind right now. Encompassing all of my thoughts and worries and fears and and and...

Bah.