2012

Wow.  It's been three months since I last posted.  That was not intentional.

And given that it's December 23, almost the end of this bah humbug time of my life, I thought it appropriate for this to be my last post of the year...

A friend of mine challenged me to adopt a theme word for the year.  It's something I have never done before, but she did it every year and it sounded like a good idea - something to achieve in everything I did.

I chose the word Change.  Wholly smokes did I not have a single clue as to how "perfect" that word was for Tara's 2012.

It started with me getting let go from my employment - this was (and continues to be) a place that I was happiest, next to being with my family.  That says a lot because I love my family fiercely and would be okay spending the rest of my life near to them.

My boss felt it was time for me to go and let me go with a hug and plenty of tears (mine, of course) and a rather generous severance package.

The severance package enabled me to build up some savings as I was able to get a temporary job with a law office at the beginning of April.  The pay was less, but I was working and learning new things and it was nice to be in an office again with some pretty terrific people.  I met a friend there who I believe will be a life long friend, so for that, I will be forever grateful.

While working at the law office, I met a fella.  Actually I re-met a fella.  We were in the same seminary class together way back when.  He re-introduced himself to me through Facebook, eventually asked me out on a date, and it was like/interest/eventual love at almost first glance.  He shared very personal things with me that would scare many women.  It probably should have scared me, but it didn't.  I felt with the atonement and our friendship and love, we would thrive as a couple.  He felt the same way and three weeks later he proposed and I accepted.

This is the first and only time I have ever been engaged.  I loved every second of it...

...Until he decided I had too many issues to deal with that he didn't feel would work in a marriage, or at least a marriage to him.  I'm really not trying to place or lay blame here, but ultimately it was him who called off the wedding, returned my ring to me (along with the cost of it) as well as give me back the truck we purchased together (though in my name).

That was one of the lowest points of my life, and especially this year - going from the highest of highs and planning a life WITH someone, to the lowest of lows, being rejected by someone who frankly had more issues than I did.  It was not a good time.

And the hard times kept coming, when my boss pulled me in and told me he could hire an attorney (fresh out of law school) for the same salary he was paying me.  This new attorney could do what I was doing as well as do legal stuff that I couldn't.  So he gave me until the end of October to find another job.  He moved me to hourly pay to allow me to come and go as I pleased, paying my health insurance through the end of October.  I was done working full time for him when the first week of September ended.  The blessing in all of this was the fact that I had a little savings because of the severance pay from Infusionsoft.

I worked and searched on my computer every day, filling out application after application, sending my resumes everywhere I could.  I just wasn't getting feedback and I was frustrated because when people did take a moment to talk to me, they told me my talents and capabilities were extraordinary, but I was too expensive, so much so it wasn't even worth it to people to call me in to an interview.

My spirits were low.  Really low.  And during this time I got a strong impression that I needed to look for jobs in Utah.  I didn't WANT to move to Utah.  I had my own house that I loved, my sister and her family who were MY family, a great ward family, etc.  My life was in Arizona.  I had no problem with Utah as my mom and a couple of sisters, as well as aunts and uncles and cousins live in Utah, but it wasn't home and I wasn't interested.

But the feeling kept coming and interesting jobs were being shown to me through indeed.com - more interesting than any I have been seeing in Arizona.  So I started applying.  And I got a couple of phone calls out of it and even one interview, which turned out to be more of a pre-interview - they weren't ready to hire for the position I applied for (weird, I know) but felt I was exactly who they were looking for when the time came.

So I made it back to Arizona and kept on applying.  I got an email from someone at the very end of September.  She was the Director of Human Resources for Central Utah Clinic.  They had recently hired a new C.O.O. who asked to have an assistant.  She was curious why I applied because I lived in Arizona and I told her I felt like I needed to be there.  She liked my answers and asked if I could make a trip to Utah for an in-person interview.  I made it happen (if you've ever listened to my voicemail - both at work and on my cell - you know I live by that rule - I make it happen) and was able to fly to Utah on conference Saturday (October 6), had an interview on Monday, October 8, and was hired on Wednesday afternoon, October 10.  My start date was Monday, October 29.

I had very little time to list my house, de-junk my house, pack up my house, figure out a way to truck my house to a different state (including my piano), and turn off everything I could (cable, other services, etc.) and drive up to Utah.  There was a blessing in the (stupid) truck.  I still had it and it made the drive up a whole lot easier.  And when I eventually listed it here, I had a ton of calls on it and eventually was able to sell it (for about $1,000 less than what I purchased it for) and get it off my personal books and out of my life for good.  It was the last "nail in the coffin" of my engagement.  It was closure.

Off the subject for a sec - I now realize why it's taken me so long to recount everything - I am royally depressed right now remembering everything and putting it down.  With this said, I hope this to be cathartic and freeing to me.  Hmm, we'll see...

Anyway, once the truck was sold, I needed my little car, which was left at my house in AZ.  I had enough Southwest points to be able to purchase a round trip ticket for $5.00, flying my nephew down for the weekend and have him drive the car back up.  It was good to have that car back, though now that I'm dealing with freezing temperatures and snow and sleet, it may need to be traded in for something with a little more girth.

I started my job as Executive Assistant to the COO at Central Utah Clinic on October 29, 2012.  I took a $20,000 paycut to accept this job, but I was jobless when it landed on my lap, so actually it was an increase.

Now that the savings I had from my severance are completely depleted, and making so much less, it was time to realize I could no longer afford my house payment.  I couldn't wait for the "right" buyer to come along.  I owed too much money on the house and where it's located, it was way out of everyone's price range.  So we lowered it from $169,900 to $129,900, and I got two offers immediately.  Now it's in the bank's hands to bless this short sale.  I'm royally bummed that it will mess up my credit, but I'm grateful to have this chance to not be foreclosed on.  Oh pray I don't get foreclosed on...

November came and went - my birthday, and Thanksgiving holidays.  Being a single female with no children, Thanksgiving is so much better than Christmas and is by far my favorite holiday - Christmas doesn't even come close.  I'm grateful for a month of thanksgivings because I feel thankful every day and am so pleased to be able to express it a bit more during the month of November. I also love seeing everyone else's thanksgiving expressions - usually through Facebook.

That leads us to today.  Sunday, December 23.  Because my mom went to AZ for her Christmas holidays, I decided to go to my sister's ward.  It was nice to sit on a bench with a lot of kids who are related to me and listen to an amazing ward choir - one of the best ones I've ever heard, singing my favorite type of songs:  Christmas songs.  We closed the meeting singing "Silent Night" and I sang that song rather loudly, in my non-soprano voice (prolly embarrassed a niece/nephew or two) and was touched by the season.

I am going to do the same thing for 2013 as I did for 2012.  I am going to assign this coming up year a theme word.  A friend of mine mentioned this word casually to me on a Facebook post a few weeks ago and it struck a chord in me and I knew without a doubt it's what 2013 will be titled:

SHINE.

I'm excited to see how I will be able to make that word happen for me.  Can't wait.

Merry Christmas to you my dear readers, and have a wonderful, WONDERFUL "shiny" new year.  I love you.

Tara

Musings.

It's been a while since I've posted.  I think the reason is due to the fact that not a whole lot has been happening since I last posted and lately, as I blog, I'm nothing but a Debbie Downer.

I don't like being down.

And I don't like being in limbo.

(And my name isn't Debbie...)

I am jobless.  I do a little document work for the law office I've been working at, but it's not enough to pay the bills.

I would love to work out of my home doing more of this.  I enjoy typing (weird, I know, but I've always enjoyed it since I took my first typing class in 7th grade on a manual typewriter - I now type a glorious 118 wpm on a computer) and enjoy making documents look good.  I'm an excellent proofreader and editor and I would love to get something going.  I'm just not sure how to put the word out there and get this business started.  Anyone need any help, temporary or otherwise?  I work by the hour and have a very fast turnaround time.

Thoughts?

I have a truck I still need to sell.  It's a great truck.  It's a 2006 Nissan Titan SE king cab (black) and I've been driving it whenever I leave my home (which isn't a whole lot lately) and it's fun to drive, it's comfortable, I sit up tall and the air conditioning is fantastic (I've  never had to have it full blast yet - if you know me at all, that says something) and it's just so much more fun to drive than my little car.

But I'm way upside down on my little car and I really need to keep that and sell the truck (and not have two car payments).

Any takers at all?  I'm only selling it for what I owe on it - $9,700.  It's a screaming deal.

I love my house.  No, I LOVE MY HOME and I don't want to have to sell it.  If you know of anyone who may be interested in a roommate situation, please have them contact me.  I have a spare room and bathroom that I could share.

I have so many people out there who love me.  It is so humbling to know how often my name has been put on the temple prayer rolls (in a few different states), and how many prayers include my well being in them.  My mom, my sweet, nervous-nelly mother is on her very first cruise, and she was worried to go because she wouldn't know how worried she would need to be for me while she's gone.

She's so great.  I told her to forget about me for the week because it will all be here for her to worry about when she gets back.  I can't wait to hear how her trip goes...

I just want/need to clear something up: I do not have any ill feelings towards my former friend/fiance Jim.  I only wish him the best of luck and happiness and hope and pray he finds what he is looking for.  I am not angry at him and there is no hate in my heart towards him.  I'm just grateful that I loved someone and someone loved me for a little while and look forward to being in a healthy and loving relationship some day.

K, that's about all.  I hope this blog finds you well and good and happy and busy.  And if you know of any kind of employment that would allow me to be the same, I'd appreciate you passing the word along.

Love you all of you!
Tara

Woe is me.

I need to write this post.  I apologize ahead of time because it will be a downer.

I've been a major downer for the past month or so and I can't seem to shake it.

In thinking about how it all started, I want to tell you my story thus far:

Back in December 2011, my boss gave me a trip for two to Maui as a Christmas present/good job done.  I would be going with the rest of the President's Club winners in February.  And I got to bring my sister Leslie.

Come February and the trip, it was lovely.  I thoroughly enjoyed hanging with my sister and enjoying all the luxuries Maui had to offer.  My only concern then was I felt my boss was a little off - at least towards me.  I mentioned it several times to my sister, who told me to relax and let him relax and just enjoy being on vacation with his wife.  I agreed with her, but still felt frustrated for some reason.

We got home the weekend before President's Day, so we had that Monday off to fully recoup.  I was really looking forward to going back in to work on Tuesday for many reasons:  one is the fact that I really did work in the best place in America and loved going to work each day.  Two was the fact that it was my quarterly performance review and I always loved those - I always came away feeling built up or new goals set or things to improve on that were always said in a kind and loving way.  I always enjoyed these meetings.

When I went in to that meeting that morning, I was completely caught off guard when I was told I was being let go.  A lot of it had to do with the fact that the position I held was being changed, a lot of it had to do with the fact that I missed a lot of work due to migraines.  He was tired of dealing with it and needed someone who he could count on.

That hurt and I ran out of there crying.  Sobbing.  I not only lost my job, but I lost my boss/friend and my security.  I lost the thought knowing that though these migraines were debilitating, they were understood and handled kindly by those I worked for and with.

Looking back I don't blame them, but at the time it killed me.

About a month and a half later I started working for an attorney in an estate law office.  He created the position for me and there was a huge learning curve.  I was unhappy (I went from working with 210 employees to 3) and scared that as a 1099 employee freaking out at dealing with taxes for the first time in my life.  I had a boss that was nice, but really hard to read and I was just a fish out of water.

I then got more comfortable with my surroundings, those that I worked with got more comfortable with me, found a life-long friend in the mean time and got some great advice and kindness and a good showing of friendship from my boss that endeared him to me.  And things started making sense.  I was enjoying what I was doing - I was understanding the process and found the whole thing really interesting and was finally in a groove, finally in a place that I enjoyed coming in to work again.

The bomb dropped again when my boss called me in one Friday afternoon and said he realized he could hire an associate attorney (i.e., one fresh out of law school) and pay him the same amount of money he was paying me - that the attorney could do what I was doing as well as legal stuff that I couldn't do.  He wanted to do this right away, so he's given me until the end of October (preferably earlier) to find another job.  He then wrote me a wonderful letter of recommendation that I have been using to look for another job.

Rewind a bit - in the middle of this new law job, I met and dated and got engaged to someone who I thought was my eternal companion.  It was fast and furious, but also lovely and spiritual and he actually got down on one knee in front of his entire family on the day his mom married her high school sweetheart (his dad passed away about 2 years prior) and asked me to marry him.  It was perfect and I was happy.  So so happy.

During this engagement time, he borrowed some money from me to pay his tax bill.  This was not something he asked me for.  I volunteered it and felt comfortable volunteering it.  I had no doubt he would pay me back.  Also, when it was time to look for engagement rings, he didn't have the money to purchase one, but we found one almost immediately that was perfect.  We found it, of all places, on craigslist and we both fell in love with it the moment we both saw it.  Again, I volunteered to pay the cash with the idea he would pay me back as soon as he got the money.  I wasn't worried.  We were going to get married and what was mine was his and what was his was mine.  I was grateful that I had enough severance pay from Infusionsoft to have had cash in my savings and be able to help out.

While the ring was being sized (it took a week), we went down to Benson to help his sister and her family have a 4th of July BBQ that they put on every year.  They own a used car lot and have been putting this on for the town for years, and Jim had always gone down to help out.  I was happy to join him this year.  It was fun.  We spent the morning cutting up watermelons in the pouring rain and just enjoyed the whole process.  Really enjoyed his family too.

While we were running an errand, all of a sudden the van that he drove lost it's air conditioning.  It stopped working completely.  This is when the idea of looking into one of their used trucks came in to mind.

We found a 2006 Nissan Titan that totally fit the bill.  Jim is not a small guy, but he fit into this truck perfectly, along with spare room.  We knew trucks don't get the best mileage, so the initial thought was he would drive it until we got married, then I would drive it and he would drive my gas efficient Hyundai, as he did a lot more driving than I did.  He loved that truck and I'll admit so did I.  Especially more than a mini van.

When we went in to pull his credit and see what we were dealing with, it turned out he had/has a LOUSY credit history and his credit score was such that he couldn't get a loan.  Again, Tara to the rescue.  My brilliant idea was to get the loan in my name (I was fairly certain my credit scare was pretty good - turned out it was excellent) and just have Jim drive the truck, make the payments along with the insurance payments.  Since the loan was in my name, he put his name and my name on the insurance to make it all legal.

Exactly one week later, we broke up due to my deceitful credit card use.  I had told him I had some credit card debt in the beginning of our relationship, but he didn't recall or didn't realize how much and feels any kind of credit card debt is deceitful spending and wondered if I was even worthy of a temple recommend.  He demanded I do a budget immediately (I am not used to being yelled at in any way, shape or form, especially by someone I love) and basically yelled back saying something to the effect of, "Like hell I will."  He stormed out of my house and in the end, that was his ultimate reason for breaking up with me.  I "refused" to do a budget.

Whatever.  This left me with an engagement ring to sell, a $1,000 debt to collect from him, as well as the hope he would figure out a way to get the truck out of my name and into his so I didn't have that truck debt on my credit.

He paid the cash back almost immediately.  It took me about 2 months to sell the ring, and I made $100 profit on that.  Two days after selling the ring, and me continually bugging him to figure out a way to get that loan off of my credit, he responds with this (you'll love this) email:

I am not ignoring you.  You asked me only to deal with Ron.  My phone crashed and I lost all my contacts so I must reply to you.
 
After hearing your request, I went to apply for a loan.  I was declined because I paid to have your ring cleaned and resized instead of paying my house payment.  That dinged my credit after the tax ding. 

I will be dropping the truck off this week.  This will be the fasteast way for you to get your money.  And you will not have to worry about waiting on me to make the payment.

I did not want this truck in the first place.  We bought it for you to drive.  Since I drive over 100 miles a day for work, it is costing me 200-300 dollars extra in gas.  My boss is willing to loan me a car for the next month. 

I cannot sell the truck because it is in your name or I would.  So, let me know when you want me to drop it off.  I can do it Friday night or Saturday.

I then told him I would pick up the truck that night and he no longer had access to it.  I also shortly thereafter got an email from his oldest sister asking me to stop bad mouthing him on Facebook.

I have some fantastic friends - many of them male and had a couple of them offer to help me pick it up.  Jim wasn't home when I did pick it up.  He left the key in the tailpipe and I now have a truck for sale, a truck debt that I can't afford, and am in the process of losing my job.  On top of everything else, it is monsoon season and I am stuck home a lot in a cold, dark house with an eye mask on my eyes trying not to die.

I have gotten feeling sorry for myself down to an art.  I am losing this battle of my spiritual self vs. my human self.  I feel overwhelmed all the time, I feel completely alone (in the decisions that must be made - not in this world) and I feel myself emotionally/mentally shutting down.

I have missed two days of work this week already due to the storms and migraines.  That is two days that I will not be getting paid for as I am a 1099 employee and only get paid for the days/hours I work.  This doesn't bode well with my current boss (though he has been FANTASTIC about it all) and it doesn't bode well for me looking for another job.

I'm looking both here (Arizona) and Utah.  I met with a realtor to see if my house will sell.  That is a toss up.  It's a weird market right now.  I DON'T want to sell my house and I really don't want to move to Utah - I can't stand the thought of leaving my Taralee.  She is my absolute joy.

But I keep thinking it may be the key to getting financial security back, as well as starting over.

So there you go.  My year 2012 all in one post.  It's quite the pathetic woe-is-me blog and I am sorry for that.  I am not asking for any advice or frowny faces or what can I do for you or anything of the sort.  I'm just needing to write it all down so I can return to it and possibly face each thing one by one and possibly take the overwhelm out of it.

'Cause right now, I am so overwhelmed I don't even know where to begin...

Wishes

My mom always had this strange quote that she said to us, her daughters, often.  Apparently my Grandpa Nelson is the one who said it during her childhood:  "Wish in one hand.  Spit in the other.  See which one fills up first."

Wishes are not tangible.  Spit is.  I understand the message there.  But wishing is so much more of a part of my life than spitting in my hand (eew, gross).  There are so many things/situations I wish for these days.  They are filling my head up and honestly bringing me down a bit:

• I wish I was someone that an employer absolutely had to have, no matter the cost.
• I wish my dad were alive.  I sure could have used and continue to use his wisdom today.
• I wish my out-of-state family lived closer to me.  My family has always brought me comfort.
• I wish I could enjoy Arizona's awesome monsoon season.  It hurts me too much.
• I wish I had a special someone to lean on, love, and serve.
• I wish I was able to live without money.
• I wish I could take each of my nieces/nephews on 1:1 vacations.
• I wish I didn't cry so dang much.
• I wish I had Kaylynn's metabolism.
• I wish I didn't have Tara's appetite.
• I wish for my marriageable-aged nieces/nephews to find their love and marry them for eternity sooner rather than later.
• I wish to go on an office mission and share my talents doing the Lord's work.
• I wish I wasn't in debt in order to make this happen.
• I wish I were more of a leader rather than a drifter.
• I wish I could figure out what to put on the red wall behind my TV.
• I wish I were a better visiting teacher.
• I wish I were a better friend.
• I wish I didn't like pizza so much.
• I wish I did like veggies a whole lot more.
• I wish for more good surprises in my life.  Not these bad ones that seem to keep happening.
• I wish I could keep my problems in perspective - realizing people are suffering so much more than me.
• I wish I didn't have to find another job - I was just getting into a great groove at my current one.
• I wish I could travel more (other than to Utah, Colorado and California).
• I wish I were truly happy being alone.
• I wish bugs/spiders/insects didn't completely wig me out.
• I wish these damn headaches would really go away.
• I wish I knew how to serve others better.  I'm way too caught up in my own issues...
• I wish to love again.

Many of these things are possibilities and I recognize that.  Things I can work on and make happen.  I guess I wish for someone to be alongside me to help me realize these things.

Wish in one hand.  Spit in the other.  See which one fills up first.

Time to work on making wishes more tangible I 'spose...

AGAIN.

My boss called me in this afternoon to let me know how much he enjoys me, how impressed he is with my quickness and thoroughness and how fast I've caught on and how wonderful my basic human-ness (his word) is.  He then told me they have decided to hire an associate attorney, and they can't afford an attorney AND a Tara, therefore the Tara needs to be let go.  He's letting me stay put until the end of October if necessary, but has asked me to start looking right away for another job.

Again.

I put this on my Facebook post a little while ago and I'll state it here:

What is it that I need to learn?  The Lord has put me through some rather difficult/interesting trials this year (I will admit I am looking forward to 2012 being OVER) and they are still coming at me.

What do I need to learn and how much more humility do I need to learn/experience?

I'm not whining.  That last phrase probably sounds like I am.  I'm really not.  It's a genuine question I have and I don't like NOT knowing.

Anyway, please keep me in mind if you hear of any admin positions opening up anywhere (preferably) in the east valley.

Thanks friends.

ApparentlyNotYetHumbledEnough...

Tara

Migraines

For the past two days, I have been lying low dealing with a migraine.  It started as a headache off and on all day on Sunday.  I woke up Monday with a massive heartbeat type of feel over my right eye.  I took one of my muscle relaxers and went back to bed.  Woke up again and it was worse - the throbbing had moved to all over my eyes and sinuses and neck and it stayed that way all day long.

I felt a little bit better last night and was hoping for a good, normal day at work again, until I woke up early this morning feeling just as awful as yesterday, but today I have little pimples all over my lower lip.  Strangest thing I've ever dealt with.  Along with more muscle relaxers, I've been swabbing hydrogen peroxide all over my face about every hour.

I'm a mess and I hurt and I am down down DOWN.

I am a 1099 employee and don't get any paid time off.  So to miss two days of work is really hard on my pocketbook, especially since I get paid less than what I did when I left Infusionsoft.  Quite a bit less.

And this, sadly, adds to my depression.  I was able to deal with broken engagements and cruel words without being too terribly depressed about it - yes I was sad and hurt, but depression never set in.  Now that I'm down with a migraine, pimples everywhere, hurting and being able to do nothing but think, depression has settled in a bit and I'm reliving/rehashing all the things that was said to me during Jim's email/texting tirade against me.

They weren't pretty words and some of them are rather damaging.

I know Father loves me and I know He took me out of a potentially harmful situation and I'm grateful for Him, for my family and for my friends who I love dearly and who I know dearly love me.  But sometimes, the words break through and I'm not nice to myself.

I'm just writing this down so I remember feeling this way.  I have found when I write things down, I can deal with them better and process them properly, rather than hang on to them or chew on them longer than they deserve to have attention brought to them.

We watched a video in Relief Society yesterday - I loved it and identified with it and I think it's part of the reason why I'm finally allowing myself to really process some of the things said.  Take a look:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3QCkBL2DfVg

I pray during this migraining time that I can chisel away some of these ugly words that were put in to my head, not only by a certain someone, but they were put there by myself as well.  I'm not kind to myself and, well, how dare I not be kind of one of Father's children?

Pray these migraines and pimples (and pimples sounds like a teenybopper thing - these are like welts/boils) and ugly thoughts turn into something productive and helpful and helps me be a better person to those of you out there who care to read my thoughts anyway.

I want to serve and I pray that I get more of those opportunities to serve you.  I have had my share of those serving me and all I want to do is repay the kindness and goodness of others.  But I need to be kind to myself in order to be kind to others.

Why is that so hard?

Grateful.

I am so grateful.

I'm grateful for lessons learned (albeit REALLY hard lessons sometimes).

I'm grateful for the men in my life - the ones related to me and those that are my friends (and they all seem to fall into that category).

I'm grateful for the power of prayer.

I'm grateful that I KNOW my worth.

I'm grateful for a job that took quite some time getting used to, but that I really enjoy doing and enjoy coming in to the office each day.

I'm grateful for my mom and her wisdom and sympathy and EMPATHY.  I love my mom.

I'm grateful for my sisters and their friendships and wise cracks and solidarity.  And I'm grateful they chose such fantastic men to be their husbands and the fathers to their ("my") kids.

I'm grateful for Kaylynn.  How is it we have never known each other before this year?

I'm grateful for Kent and Scott and their wisdom and advice they share with me regularly (and provide me with a regular paycheck).

I'm grateful for Candace and the hug she impulsively stopped by my home to give me.

I'm grateful for Wende and her reaching out to me.

I'm grateful to Allison for the out-of-the-blue invite to me to her dinner group.

I'm grateful to Jed and my instant friendship with him as he married in to my friend family.

I'm grateful for emails and texts and Facebook notes that continuously lift me up and make me smile.

I'm grateful to be back in my own ward, amongst my ward family and friends, and that I get to keep my same calling.

I'm grateful for priesthood blessings.

I'm grateful that I'm not bitter or even angry, and that I'm excited to have learned from recent experiences so I can apply that knowledge to new relationships.

And I'm grateful to Pinterest - because frankly, where have all of these quotes been all my life?

Closure.

Well, I asked for it.

Since we broke up, I have never felt any kind of closure with him.  He stopped talking to me and the little bit of communication he did with me was very clinical and not very direct.

I have been pleading with the Lord to give me closure, so I can truly move on.  I didn't realize how much I carried a hope that this was just a hiccup and things would eventually resume between the two of us, both of us stronger and more mature and more eyes wide open.

I let him know I had some stuff of his I needed to get to him and I sent him a text asking where I could bring it.  He gave me a location that I could leave the bag and he would pick it up later, so I did that.

But doing that opened up a little thread of communication with him and me being me, I pushed him on telling me what happened and why it happened and why it couldn't be fixed.  He was vague and a little ridiculous in some of his answers to me (all of this via text) last night, but it was enough that I felt like answers were coming.

I got a looooooooooooooong text from him this morning telling me everything that was wrong with me in this relationship, because I asked for it so he felt to finally get me off his back, he was gonna give it to me.  It was painful to read, but I swallowed my pride and tried to take his points and comment on them, point by point, hoping to alleviate some of the anger he had towards me.

For all my good intentions and swallowed pride, all it did was have him come back to me with this, "I have no regrets about ending this because my side of the street was clean.  If I hurt you I am sorry.  Please forgive me. Love you too much to feed this part of you.."

(I don't know what this means.)

But man alive, If that aint closure, I don't know what is.

And I've been bawling my eyes out all day long as a result.  It's okay.  I need to do this and truly mourn this relationship because like a death, it will never come back to life, so I am mourning and crying and praying and plan on putting this ALL behind me.

Tomorrow.

Ring?

Anyone want to purchase a gorgeous, never-been-officially-worn-by-me, absolutely STUNNING ring?  It doesn't necessarily have to be an engagement and/or wedding ring.  I tried it on my right hand and it looked fantastic on there too.  14-carat white gold, center stone is 1 carat, 250 small stones equal an additional 3 carats.  If interested, send me a note.  I'm serious.  I'd love to have this ring be worn proudly and happily.

Love to my blog family everywhere!  I'm doing great.  I really, really am!

DONE.

Okay - I guess it's finally time to tell my side of this story, which I'm still not completely clear about.

If you've ever followed any of my blogs, you know that I had a problem with debt at one time and blogged it to the world, letting you in on my evil secrets and as a result, I felt accountable to someone for the first time.

Your friendship and my parents enabled me to get out of that debt and eventually purchase a home of my own.

Well, over the past three years, I've managed to get myself into some credit card debt again.  My only excuse is the fact that I used one for a whole year and accumulated cash every time I used it.  I paid it off every month and then was able to get a good chunk of change back at the end of the year.  Sadly, the next year I had one month that I couldn't pay the entire amount and it snowballed from there.  With all of this said, I do have some debt, but I've always been able to pay more than the minimum balance and my credit score is close to 800.  I pay my bills.

One week after I have been engaged, my fiance brought up this debt (I had told him about it at the beginning of our relationship, but he didn't remember the conversation) and told me he felt like I was being deceitful, first having credit card debt in the first place and second not telling him about it.  I understand the second one (though I DID tell him), but the first one still baffles me to this day.  He felt like I maybe was not even be worthy to attend the temple.

Anyway, that, along with other things about me that he started having problems with, for example I wanted to get married earlier rather than later - I wanted my forever to start NOW, he felt like maybe I was a sex addict.  Honestly.  He said that to me and that he was concerned.  It hurt my feelings and I cried and eventually he realized that was an extreme assumption and he asked forgiveness.

But later on when things started getting nasty (and they got nasty FAST), he told me that my tears were manipulative and he felt I used them to try to make him feel bad.

If you know me at all, you know I cry at any emotion I feel - sadness, happiness, frustration, joy, fear, excitement, etc.  I cry and it's how I deal with my emotions.  And he doesn't believe in my tears.

He is the one who called off the wedding.  He felt like our finances were in such awful states that there was no way we were ready for marriage.  He then handed me my engagement ring still in the box (never worn - he had just picked it up from getting sized) and told me it was mine to do with what I wanted (I paid for it - nice that he let me keep it).

I told him I thought love was unconditional and he stated that love is, but marriage isn't.  To me they are one and the same and that statement did me in.  I knew we were through.

It's been rough.  I have no idea if it has been for him, as he has completely stopped communicating with me in every way, shape and form.  I, however, have had really low days, but more and more often, my days are getting better and they are mostly good and happy.

I loved being in love and I loved knowing he loved me, but at the end, I didn't feel like love should be so hurtful and needed to truly walk away from it all.  Even this decision didn't come right away and it didn't come easily as I didn't want to give up.  But the longer it has been, the more my heart is at peace with this decision and I'm grateful for loving family and friends who KNOW me and who truly LOVE me and have been there for me.

So there you have it.  If you're confused, that's okay.  So am I.  I don't think this is something I will ever truly have closure over, and I have to have faith that that's okay.

Thank you to YOU who are reading this and caring enough to want to know about me and what happened.  I wish I could have been clearer, but just know you are not alone in the confusion.

Prayers

If you feel like you're up to it, I need your prayers today.  I am not at liberty to say specifically what for, but prayers on my behalf can only be helpful.  Please and thank you.

Tara

MARRIED!

Wow.  What a three weeks this has been.  Nothing but absolutely WONDERFUL.  Let me tell you about my love story:

On June 9, 2012, I went on my first date with Jim Merrell.  It was a restaurant date and all we did was eat and talk, then talk and talk and talk.  Jim has been through some trying times in his life and has overcome some incredible obstacles and he wanted me to know everything.

Again, on our first date.

The thing is, what he shared with me did not frighten me or discourage me or do anything but make me want to know him more.

I went home that evening with the beginnings of butterflies, knowing this was someone special.  Special enough that that same evening, I texted him asking if he'd like to go to Sunday dinner with me at my sister and brother-in-law's home, along with their seven noisy children.  I wanted him to meet my family and I wanted my family to meet him (and frankly give me their opinion of him). He accepted and we chatted via text for about an hour longer.  This is after spending four hours with him chatting.

I was really digging him.

Sunday came and I went over to my sister's home.  She warned her kids that they needed to be on their best behavior.  I then told them they could act any way they wanted to, that I didn't want him to get a skewered idea of who they were and how they were.  I wanted him to get the full picture.  My family is VERY important to me and wanted him to see them how I see them.

They didn't disappoint and were awesome towards Jim and he enjoyed them, though most of his time was spent with Ron (turns out they grew up together in and around Duncan, Arizona and had so many people in common they spent most of the evening catching up).

I called Ron on my way home and he gave me the thumbs up.  Now it's time for the fun to begin.

He and I made plans to see each other the following Saturday for pizza and a movie at my house.  On Monday, he was planning on attending family home evening in his ward with the other singles.  He ended up not going and through about a million hints, he finally figured out that I wanted him to come over to do the pizza/movie thing instead of waiting clear until Saturday.

At one point he said, "Oh wait!  You want me to come over TONIGHT and do something different on Saturday?"  Duh.  I've had to learn that he does not do hints.  At all.

He came, we snuggled (only after I laid my head on my shoulder first, then he got a clue and took my hand) and that was truly the beginning of our relationship.  I love yous were said by that Wednesday, jewelry (matching ring, earrings and necklace) was given to me by Thursday and by Friday night we were talking about our future and WHEN we got married, no longer IF we got married.

We just knew, and our love and friendship grew each day after that.

His lovely mother got married to her high school sweetheart (his dad passed away in 2010 - a year after my dad passed away) this past Saturday, June 30, 2012, in Safford, Arizona.  I had the privilege of attending with Jim and I got to meet most of his family (he is the youngest of 9 children, 8 of whom are still living).  It was a sweet ceremony and an enjoyable reception with lots of people and lots of kids and lots of relatives to meet.

Towards the end of the party, Jim asked me to sit and visit with his mom to get to know her better. I wanted to do this, but needed to use the restroom first.  In all honesty, I didn't really need to use the restroom, I just need a time out moment to catch my breath and not be stared at.  I guess I was in there a while because from what I heard later, Jim was climbing the walls wondering where I was.

I came back in the room and sat down next to his mom.  He made sure I was comfortable and doing okay, then proceeded to stand up, ask for everyone's attention, then got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.

I said YES and we hugged and kissed and were applauded by everyone in the room and Jim and I are now getting married on November 23, 2012, in the Mesa, Arizona temple.

I am so happy and have never loved someone so deeply as I do this man.  I am so grateful for the challenges I have faced this year to help me be ready for him.  I know without a doubt in my mind that the Lord put us both in each other's paths at this specific time.  We would not have been ready for each other any sooner.

James Reed Merrell and Tara LaRue ARE GETTING MARRIED!

Love.

I am in love.

Most of you know this, as I'm not shy in sharing it on Facebook (sorry Mom).  Let's start at the very beginning...

(You have that song in your mind now, don't you?)

Back in 1987, I was in a seminary class with Brother Noble.  A fella by the name of Jim Merrell sat near me and noticed me due to the fact that I told another fella to quit being a jerk (or something of that nature).

Fast forward 23 years, when Jim Merrell sent a Facebook friend request to me.  I remembered him and for this reason, accepted said request (I usually don't accept requests from people I don't know or don't remember - learned that lesson the hard way).

Slow forward one more year, and Jim Merrell was admonished by his bishop to start dating.

This is when things got fun.

Jim sent me an email through Facebook stating, "Ok, it has been years since I did this. I know you probably do not remember me.  I took myself out of the dating scene years ago, but I am wondering, would you be interested in going out on a date with me this Saturday evening, or next weekend?"

I told him I was available either weekend and offered him my cell number and regular email address.  He called me the next day to confirm plans, and a date was set.

Because I live in south Egypt (San Tan Valley) and he lives in Scottsdale, we decided to meet at Superstition Springs area and then went to dinner together from there.

That's when the talking and sharing and laughing started.  That date lasted four hours, and all we did was talk.

And since June 9, he and I have only missed one day of not seeing each other.  And every time we see each other, we talk and share and laugh some more.

I love him.  On a level that is so much deeper than anything I have ever shared with anyone.  Ever.

And man alive, I AM HAPPY.

Arizona in the 80s

I posted this on another blog I did a couple of years ago.  I was going through that blog today and enjoyed this so much I thought I would share again.  Feel free to add additional numbers in the comments if you can think of other things...

1) Would have done anything for a Ladmo bag.
2) Tired to fry an egg on the sidewalk.
3) Can still remember the words to the hepatitis song.
4) Spent way too many summer days in a mall.
5) Remember KZZP.
6) Went ice skating at Metrocenter.
7) Get irritated when people say "yeah, but it's a dry heat."
8) Have red burnt cheeks in every childhood picture.
9) Had a pool in your backyard.
10) Vacationed in San Diego or Rocky Point.
11) Know what it feels like to come out of an icy cold movie theater into 110 degree heat.
12) Saw your mom drive with potholders.
13) Know what "tubing" means.
14) Have been "ice blocking."
15) Have a T-shirt that says "I survived the hottest day in Phoenix history" referring to that summer day in 1990 when it got up to 122 degree in the shade.
16) Consider yourself a "Zonie."
17) Ever put Christmas lights on a cactus.
19) Burnt the bottom of your feet running out to get the mail because you were too lazy to put on shoes.
20) Know some Spanish even though you never studied it.
21) Won hot pink scrunchies at Metro Midway!
22) Enjoyed making song requests at Organ Stop Pizza.
23) Got in trouble for leaving crayons in the back seat of the car.
24) Are not intimidated by a Super Big Gulp.
25) Your heroes were Kevin Johnson (KJ), Mark West, and Tom Chambers.
26) Had to pay full replacement price for the rented VCR tape you left in your car.
27) Shopped at Goldwaters, Broadway Southwest, Federated or Diamonds.
28) Remember Dave Pratt the Morning Mayor on 98 KUPD.
29) Can count the number of times it snowed in Phoenix on one hand.
30) Stood in line to watch movies at the original Cine Capri.
31) Snow Cones and brain freezes made summer worthwhile.
32) Cried when Wallace and Ladmo went off the air
33) Went to Pistol Pete's pizza, ShowBiz pizza, and can recall Tex Critters at MetroCenter
34) Thought Streets of New York had the best pizza in Phoenix at 19th and Northern
35) Remember Gemco
36) Ate at Furr's Cafeteria
37) Shopped at Mervyn's
38) Saw your first concert at the Arizona State Fair
39) Remember the Madhouse at Macdowell (Purple Palace)
40) Remember Suns Fever
41) Recall Thunder Dan
42) Mourned the loss of Cotton Fitzsimmons
43) Believed in the 100 year flood
44) Did the hokey pokey at Great Skate.
45) Cruised Central, Metro or Mill Avenue.
46) Worried about drive by shootings at school.
47) Remember only TWO freeways either the I-10 or I-17.
48) Remember who Rose Mofford or Evan Mecham is.
49) Know what Sonoyta Motors is.
50) Know what Price Club is (and when there was only 1).
51) Had Dimension Cable.
52) Know what the Phoenix Gazette is.
53) Went to Legend City or Compton Terrace.
54) Know what Yellow Front, Lucky's, Smittys, Skaggs, AJ Bayless, are.
55) Suffered with a swamp cooler.
56) Went boogie boarding on irrigation day.
57) Fished in the canal.
58) Went to the hot air balloon races at Thunderbird.
59) Thought 19th Ave and Cactus was in the boonies.
60) Speaking of the boonies - drank in the desert with the rest of your high school friends until the bright light of the helicopter came blaring down.
61) Were ever excited about your appearance on "Pets on Parade."
62) Suffered the consequences of leaving your sister's favorite vinyl record in the car.
63) Remember your parents voting (or not voting for) for the monorail.
64) Thought Big Surf was Rad!
65) Danced at Club Rio.
66) Remember Tex Earnhardt and his "No Bull commercials"
67) Attended a birthday party in a railroad car at the McDonald's on Bethany Home and 23rd Ave.
68) Remember the Dr. Demento show on KZZP every Sunday night.
69) Burned your hand trying to open your locker at school.
70) Locking your car doors as soon as you got south of Bethany Home.
71) Wished you lived in California.
72) Didn't believe that High schools actually had indoor halls and full size lockers like they do on TV.
73) Didn't go to the park until AFTER dark.
74) Sweatband were not just a fashion statement.
75) Your Hypercolor T-shirt was permanently a different color under your arms.
76) Knew not to shoot at a Saguaro because it could fall over on you and kill you.
77) Thought Flagstaff was REALLY cold.
78) Always saw at least 10 people you knew on Mission Beach (San Diego)
79) Knew who worked on Van Buren.
80) Remember when the Roadrunners were the only hockey game in town
81) Remember when Buckeye was BFE
82) Wore jellies in the summer even though you had really bad feet sweat.
83) Went to see Santa @ Westridge Mall (that was the best one with the whole set up).
84) Remember when Ahwatukee was a retirement community half way to Tucson.
85) Remember 50 cent movie Tuesdays at Valley West Mall
86) Have a scar on the back of your thighs from the 3rd degree burns sustained from the metal clip your seat belt clicked in to. No protection given from the OP short ,shorts.
87) Remember the orange trees planted all the way down the middle of Black Canyon Freeway (Now called I-17).
88) Ever get your butt and legs burned by metal slides at the Whataburger across from Metrocenter? (What sadist would put metal slides on a kids playground in Phoenix????!!)
89) Remember when Sun City wasn't connected to the rest of the valley?
90) Ever have brunch at Mother Tuckers?
91) Remember when it only took 2 hours to drive to Flagstaff
92) Going to slide rock in Sedona and hoping it wasn't closed due to high levels of bacteria in the water!
93) Remember when Terminal 2 was the only passenger terminal at Sky Harbor and you had to walk on the tarmac.
94) Got free tokens at the Valley West Mall arcade for good grades on your report card
95) Celebrated a birthday at Ed Debevick's
96) Thought Bobby McGee's was the coolest restaurant ever
97) Ever rode the "crack the whip" ride at Encanto Park.
98) Ever got attached by a jumping cactus
99) Know what to do when you hear a rattle in the desert.
100) Used to shop at LaBelles, eat lunch at Liberty Bell Pizza or get soda at the U-TOTEM on Cactus.
101) Remember the commercial about Valley Fever..."Dustyyyy, dustyyyy, dustyyyy"!
101) Remember when you could get 2 tacos and a small drink at Taco Bell for $2
102) Had hot air balloons land in your backyard when you lived on 75th Ave and Bell by the orange groves known now as "Arrowhead Mall"
103) Witnessed the shock when the "art" on the 51 when installed. (Referring to the lovely toilet and large silver sphere.)
104) Had the bell run for their birthday at Farrell's (Christown)
105) Remember going to the Phoenix Firebirds baseball games
106) Remember Dewey Hopper-the weather guy who always wore school t-shirts,
107) Watched World Beyond on Sat. mornings.
108) Ate at Bob's Big Boy.

Cry-ee-eye-ee-eyeing...

(Can you hear the song in your mind based on my title?  You're welcome.)

I'm a cry-er.  And not a pretty cry-er where the tears just fall nicely in large drops down one's face, waiting for my loved one's finger to gently brush it away. (Ba ha ha ha ha ha ha - does ANYONE have that happen to them?!?)

No, I'm an ugly cry-er with snot falling faster than the tears (though the tears gives the snot a good race), my eyes turn bloodshot red almost instantly, usually shoulders are bobbing up and down when I'm REALLY upset, and I cannot for the life of me just be able to stop the tears because I want to.  Once the ugly cry starts, I have to let it finish.  On it's own time.  Like it had a life of it's own.

Up to just a couple of days ago, I HATED the fact that this is what happens to me when I am frustrated or sad or angry or even touched.

To me, I always thought crying meant weakness and weakness was NOT a trait that was looked kindly upon, by myself and by others.

But I've decided when we (meaning me) cry, it's a release of emotions (good, bad, sad and all those in between).  It's healthy and ensures things aren't being bottled up too often, which, in my non-expert opinion, could really cause some damage.

Girls are lucky in the sense that if they cry, it's considered fairly normal.  When boys/men cry, they are deemed a wimp or weak.

And that's unfortunate, because it really shouldn't be that way and in my opinion, is NOT that way.

I work in a law office and today I had to call a company about an issue that I have never dealt with before.  The woman on the other end of the phone was not nice to me and out of my frustration I started bawling, but being pretty new to this office and industry, I berated myself and told myself to suck it up (thanks for that Leslie) and was actually able to stop the tears.

But shortly thereafter, I had to go to a doctor's visit.  When the doc asked me how things were going, I started crying all over again.  For no reason.  I told him as much and he was content with my explanation (he's an OB/GYN - he deals with tears all day long I suspect) and walked out of the room.

I think I wasn't really finished with the first cry and with the compassion shown on my doc's face, the rest of the tears decided they needed to fall, in all of their ugly-glory-ness.  Luckily, still being in the doc's office with the door shut, I had time to allow the ugliness to happen and then stop, with lots and lots and lots of tissues being sacrificed for my sake.

And I felt better.

And have decided I'm not going to apologize for my tears.

A sobbing Tara is a healthier Tara and you can just go cry me a river if you don't agree (and you'll be in good company if you do)...

Forgiveness.

A personal offense is like a scratch on a phonograph record. I couldn't move my thoughts beyond my pain. It kept repeating, as if I were stuck within its grooves. There was only one way to play beyond it. I had to forgive them, so my heart could take its form again.

--Laurel Lee

I had an interesting and wonderful experience yesterday that I want to share.  I was in the temple, preparing to attend the sealing of a friend of mine to her sweetheart of about 11 weeks (it's a wonderful story).  She and I have been close friends for years.

We have another "friend" in common that had done something to someone that I love years ago.  I was angry at this person for years and years and felt like I didn't need to ever care about or be seen with or protect or help or be nice to them ever again.  I felt good about this unconscious decision.  Funnily enough, the loved one that was hurt by this person has probably never given it another thought and has never brought up the offender or situation to me in all these years since.

Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.

--William Arthur Ward

Not surprising, this person was in the temple to attend this same sealing (we were both close to the bride) and because we had time (we were both quite early) we started talking.  All of my feelings of anger and hurt and pride and indignation never surfaced.  Not once.  In that moment, I realized I had missed this person and the reason why we were friends to begin with.

Forgiveness is the economy of the heart... forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits.

--Hannah More

In the middle of this person's conversation to me, I stopped them and told them I had a question for them.  They smiled at me in anticipation and the look on their face when I asked for forgiveness was of surprise and bewilderment.  I didn't tell them why I was angry at them (and they didn't ask), just letting them know that it had to do with a past situation, and that I had been harboring anger and sadness and (again) indignation towards them.  In that moment, it was all completely gone and I was crying to this person to forgive me and my pride.

May God help us to be a little kinder, showing forth greater forbearance, to be more forgiving, more willing to walk the second mile, to reach down and lift up those who may have sinned but have brought forth the fruits of repentance, to lay aside old grudges and nurture them no more.

--Gordon B. Hinckley

This person just laughed and took me in a huge hug and said I was forgiven and that they hoped I could forgive them for whatever it was I was angry about.  OF COURSE.

I'm not telling you this to say, "Well done Tara!" or "You're amazing!"  This whole scenario came out of NOWHERE.  Seriously.  I haven't been dwelling on this person or the situation at all and felt that no forgiveness was needed on my end because frankly, I was over it and over this person.

In the instant I asked for forgiveness and was granted it by this person, a weight was lifted that I had no idea I'd been carrying.  Seriously.  It was an amazing moment and I liked myself just a little bit more yesterday.

Methinks progress is being made here folks...

Why?

I recently reconnected with a friend who was tentative in asking me this question that I tend to get asked a whole lot:

Why aren't you married?

I'm 41 years old and have never been married.  I'm not ugly, though I am a bit fluffy.  I'm kind and considerate and have compassion out the wazoo.  I'm friendly and smiley and more often than not I'm a rather sunshiney person (that gagging sound was my sisters' reaction to this last statement).

What AM I not married?

I think Father has a slightly different plan for me.  I think "my" kids have needed me in a way that they couldn't have had access to if I had a family of my own.  I think I needed to learn and continue to learn how to be my true self.  I need to love (heck, I'll even settle for like) myself more before I can ever ask anyone to love me for always.  I think I needed to and continue to need to improve myself.  I didn't finish college (not even to an AA degree) and I think this on-the-job education is something that is necessary for me.

I continually need to learn the value of a dollar.

I needed to know how to work through a non-death-in-the-family hurt so big my breath was continually being sucked out (still a work in progress in this).  I needed and still need to learn how to serve unselfishly.

I also think my talking/blogging/writing about things that are usually taboo is something I would have never done with a husband/children to worry about and care for.  Being alone has me in my head A LOT and sharing my struggles and triumphs with the world (all 3 of you) has given me confidence to face the world head on.

It's given me a voice.

I want to be married.  I want to love someone as much as he loves me.  The thrills/joys/pangs/heartbreaks of motherhood has been in my heart for a very long time, which I think is why it's helped me be a good aunt to "my" kids, as well as other children who were put in my path.  I do have hope and plead with the Lord often for these blessings to be mine on this earth.

But in the meantime, I'm trying to figure out how to just be me as I am today.

And how to be happy with it...

Frustrated.

I'm frustrated.

I am working at Bethea, Gillette, Johnson and Phelps, which does estate planning and corporations for their clients. I am a paralegal, executive assistant, receptionist, office manager, etc. It's interesting work and I am learning a ton. Seriously, stuff that will help me for my future and will look and be fantastic on a resume.

But I'm not happy here. I'm not happy period. I woke up, once again, really sad this morning. No reason other than this blasted chemical imbalance that I have.

Yes, my life's circumstances always attributes to this chemical situation, but to look at it on paper, I should not be sad. I have a job that's interesting and utilizes me and my talents. My mom has been in town and will continue to be in town until June 2 (I always enjoy having her around). My brother-in-law who has been miserable in his work life for quite a while now has found a PERFECT position at Infusionsoft and will thrive like he has never thrived before. My other brother-in-law was just made a stake president. I wholeheartedly sustain him in that calling and have found that anyone I speak to about it sustains him completely as well. I have a sister who has lost over 100 pounds over the past year and is healthier than she has ever been in her entire adult life. I have another sister who has a missionary out who is turning out to be one of the best men I have ever been related to. My niece is graduating from high school next week and is going pre-med (WOW). One of my dearest friends is getting married to her sweetheart next week. At the age of 41, it's the first marriage for both of them. I AM SO HAPPY FOR HER. I myself have a house that I love, a ward that is fantastic and visiting teachers who are some of the loveliest women I could ever know.

(And yes, THAT Infusionsoft.)

My sister (Cassie) has been worried about me and my reaction to Chad (her husband) working for the company that laid me off. I'm not happy about the fact that I no longer work there, but I honestly and truly could NOT be happier for Chad to get to work at a place that I loved so very much for so many years. So Cassie, quit worrying about that.

But it doesn't change the fact that I continue to be sad about not being there myself. I truly thought I would retire from there at MY choice. My whole life has revolved around that company and its people and the thought of not being a part of it never EVER crossed my mind.

And this is the number one reason why I continue to be sad.

I need to get over it. I know I do and hope someday that I will be able to. Someone suggested I get counseling. It's a thought that I continue to visit every so often.

But I'm not ready for that yet. I keep hoping that prayer and meds and communication with those that are closest to me will talk me off this ledge that I seem to constantly be on.

I miss my happy self.  I want her back.

Update.

I guess it's time for an update. Haven't done one of these in a while. Sorry 'bout dat.

Let's see: I started a new job a week ago. I am working in a law office called Bethea, Gillette, Johnson and Phelps. I am a legal assistant (paralegal) and the executive assistant to Kent Phelps. There are only two attorneys and one other legal assistant working in the office, so it's been an adjustment going from lotsa noise to talking to myself pretty much.

It's hard work. There is SO MUCH to know and do and be in charge of and my boss is a fan of just kinda throwing me in the ring and telling me to figure it out. He's good when I need to ask him questions, but he's happier when I don't need to bother him. It's an interesting dynamic right now.

I'm on probation through the end of May. I am a contracted worker and will just get paid a set amount each week. I'll be responsible for my own taxes, benefits, etc. If I pass the "test," as of June 1 I will be an official employee and will be on salary along with health insurance benefits.

I'm happy and excited to prove myself, yet way way WAY stressed about being on trial. I do not like having that hang over my head. I understand why he's doing it - he created this position for me (he wasn't even looking to hire, but heard I was let go and wanted to meet me) so he needs to know I can do what is expected. But man alive it freaks me out.

I started a migraine in the middle of the morning today. Haven't had one of those in a while (I am getting orthodonture treatment for my TMD/TMJ issues and that has helped a TON with my migraine problem). I think the newness of this job and the unsure future with it has jacked me up a bit.

I don't deal well with the unknown.

Anyway, I'm so happy to have a job and be busy (oh so busy) and be a part of the working stiffs again. What's kinda cool and interesting is I have been contacted three more times by three different companies wanting to meet me for an interview. Two of them were in Utah (and one of those was at a resort in Park City) and one of them was at a school that I was REALLY interested in. The particular job at the school that I applied for wasn't hiring right yet, but they told me they loved my resume and if one came up (executive assistant to the principal at American Leadership Academy) they would give me a call. Same with the Park City resort - they were sad that I had already accepted another job and insisted I contact them if it should fall through.

That would be an interesting kind of stressor to deal with, don't ya think?

Happenings...

So my last post was about a meeting, not necessarily an interview. It turned into an interview and a very good one.

I met with an attorney who, along with his two partners, has a law practice that deals in business, estate and tax planning. They have Infusionsoft and they need to have someone learn it and run their business out of it. They want to build up their business, not just practicing law.

That's where I come in.

The attorney said if I were anyone other than the assistant to the CEO at specifically Infusionsoft, he wouldn't have given me the time of day. Because of where I came from and my specific abilities, he is interested.

I am meeting with him and his wife today for lunch to discuss and "pass" a second interview.

I'm excited and nervous. Excited because I will still be in the Infusionsoft world and getting to know new people, challenging myself, and working at a new place/new location. I'm nervous because it's working with people I've never worked with before (new personalities) and doing things I've never done before (working in the software - being the EA to the CEO at Infusionsoft didn't mean I worked IN the software, so there will be a learning curve here), as well as learning a new industry (the law).

I'm also nervous because, for this past week and all next week, I've been working with a team of guys who used to work with me at Infusionsoft. I love these fellas and it's been so fun being the momma bear again. It's so similar to how things were when I started at Infusionsoft. I was employee #7 there and here I'm the same - employee #7 if they were to hire me. I love the small business atmosphere and again, I love these guys. They are like brothers to me and it's a very familial environment.

But because they are a new small business, having someone like me (an executive assistant and/or office manager) is a luxury, at least initially, and my salary is not in their budget.

So we'll see. I'm excited at the prospect of working full time again. This week has been so great being on a schedule. I love my life on a schedule, so it can allow for fun spontaneity to happen. When one isn't on a schedule, it's hard to find spontaneous moments.

Anyway, I'm sorta babbling here. Just nervous/excited energy and I wanted to update my peeps.

By the way, THANK YOU for being MY peeps. I am so blessed!

Meet vs. Interview

I have a meet and greet today. It's with an attorney that Clate spoke about me to. He said he's not hiring but wanted to meet me.

What does that mean?

I'm genuinely curious. I'm treating it as an interview, but am not planning on anything coming from it.

I really don't understand it. I'm okay with it, just completely in the dark as to the point.

Thoughts?

Angry

I'm angry.

I spent the better part of the last two days applying for jobs, talking to recruiters and family and friends. I signed up for a work-at-home program. I won't do anything with it until I receive the products so I can be sure I believe in them.

I'm angry.

I was able to take this week to play catch up after being gone all last week on vacation. I was able to do my laundry and clean up my house and answer my phone and apply for more jobs.

I'm angry.

I continually think about being let go from the best company (yes, and boss) that I have ever worked for. I can't stop bawling about it.

I'm angry.

Why am I suddenly not good enough to be his assistant? Why take me away from my home away from home, where he knew I was happiest and most fulfilled? Why tell me all will work out in the end when I haven't seen anything working out yet? Why let me go so early that he is using another assistant to help him out when I could have done it and not overloaded her (who was already overloaded to begin with)? Why give me a good severance package to make me feel better about being let go, when all I wanted to do (and still do) was stay and do my job, do it well and continue working with some of the best people I've ever known?

I'm angry.

And I can't sleep.

1 Month

This week it will be one month since I lost my job and part of my family.

I've had a lot of time thinking and wondering and pondering all that has happened.

I've heard many, MANY opinions on how I was let go, the fact that I was let go after so many years, etc. and I appreciate the passion people feel towards this subject.

I've had a ton of advice on how to apply to different positions, people telling me I made too much money at Infusionsoft and need to lower my price point. I agreed with them, until I had time to realize that I'm valuable and I was not overpaid and that I deserve and work hard for any money that I make or made and saying I was overpaid is undervaluing me and my skills and abilities.

I've had a few people contact me for part-time work. I'm so grateful for the fact that they value me enough to want to pay me to help them out (which in turn helps me out), even though they aren't able to afford me full time (yet).

I've had countless emails from my dear friends and family, wanting to help me any way they possibly can. I can't believe how blessed I've been throughout the years in the people that I have met and have been able to call my friends. It's overwhelming.

I was able to go to Utah last week and visit with my family who lives there. It was nice to clear my head and enjoy the scenery and my time with family that I don't get to see enough of. It helped tremendously, because as I was driving home yesterday, I was excited to get busy and find my new family.

One month ago, my life changed. Funnily enough, when I started out 2012, a friend of mine challenged me to name a word that I wanted to dedicate to 2012. You know what word I picked?

CHANGE.

Two Weeks Later...

Yesterday was my 2-week "anniversary" of losing my job.

I've had MANY ups and downs, some on the same day, some in the same week. All fairly extreme (high of highs and low of lows).

Most of the lows are just me being sad. I'm sad to not get to go to work any more. I'm sad that I don't get to work with those that I care so much about. I'm sad my boss felt I was replaceable. I'm sad I will no longer be a part of a company that is growing and changing and making a difference in people's lives (both employees and customers).

I'm happy for the way my boss treated me all of these years. I had a wake up call of sorts yesterday when I realized how much he has truly blessed my life and I needed to thank him for that.

(My email surprised him I think.)

I'm happy for the concern and love and support that I am receiving from SO MANY PEOPLE - family, close friends, lots of employees from the company I just left, my lovely visiting teachers, my bishop, etc. I am loved. I always knew that I am loved, but it takes a personal tragedy of sorts for me to really see it. I need to work on that.

I have some things in the works. I will get to help some friends get their new business off the ground. They can't afford my regular going rate, but they can afford me on a part-time basis just to get them going. I love being able to do that. I have another possible job that will be life changing. I don't want to say much about it right now because I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch (Mom, did that saying come from you?!?).

I have always been such a TV head. Since that life altering event happened two weeks ago, I have found solace in sitting in my quiet house, the TV is turned off and I just think and ponder. I love to read but haven't picked up a book since I was let go. I'm enjoying the somewhat lack of media in my life right now.

Yes, I'm on a laptop a lot, but it's been a good change.

I posted a saying on my Facebook yesterday that has become something I plan on saying to myself several times a day:

Sometimes you have to stop worrying, wondering, and doubting. Have faith that things will work out, maybe not how you planned, but just how it's meant to be.

I have faith that I will be okay. Life is still quite up in the air right now, but I will be okay because someone, someday is gonna realize how worth it I am to make an investment in.

I. Am. Worth. It.

Time, and more tears...

I'm not sure what to write today.

I feel completely disconnected from the world right now.

I got a text from my former boss this morning asking me how I was doing. I haven't cried for days and that text brought out the waterworks.

I really had it good there. This company is incredible and it's because, in large part, of this man who is leading it. It's hard not to be needed any more.

That's all. It's just hard and I need to emotionally move on, something like someone moving on after being told their partner wants a divorce. And I am trying, really and truly trying.

I just need time I 'spose. I have it. I just need to let myself utilize it...

Explanation

I am going private because I am looking for a job.

I've heard from several reliable sources that the content of my blog could very well be a detriment to me as potential employers use the Internet more and more to research potential employees.

I was initially thinking I would WANT them to read my blog because I wanted them to acquaint themselves with my writing style and my personality.

But I am also aware that the content, the mere fact that I discuss my depression issues and all things that come with it, is not always looked at in the positive light I am trying to bring to it.

I understand.

I won't be keeping it private always. I'll go back to making it public once I'm set with a new job and they know me well enough to not be "afraid" of me dealing with this.

Thoughts?

Going Private...

Please email me at LaRueski at g mail dot com if you would like to be invited to read.

Thank you.
Tara

What?!?

I need to get better at this. Sorry.

Last week, February 13-18, I had the joy and rapture of going to Maui with a lot of people from my company. We all got to bring a guest, so I brought my oldest sister Leslie. We had a ball. We stayed at a gorgeous hotel, soaked up a ton of sun, ate a lot, shopped a lot and just really enjoyed each other's company and the company of my friends at my company.

The following Monday was President's Day so it was a nice day to relax and un-vacation from the vacation.

But I was excited for Tuesday. If you know me at all, if you've read anything I've written (including posts on Facebook) you know I love my company, my boss and the job I did. I was scheduled for a performance review at 10:00 a.m. Tuesday morning. I've always loved these as they always built me up personally and professionally. I always came away from them inspired.

Tuesday morning came and 10:00 was there and I walked into my boss' office and sat down. We chit chatted for just a moment and then the words that are burned into my memory forever were said, "I am letting you go." I am crying right now as I write these words. They have continually brought tears to my eyes because they continually land in my mind. I AM LETTING YOU GO. Words I have NEVER heard from any employer, much less words I never thought possible from this employer. I'm still stunned to be quite honest.

I was the assistant to the CEO and supported him and his family administratively. He has decided to change the role of his assistant and make it more business-related instead of administrative-related. I don't have an MBA and don't have the business accumen that he needs and so it was the right decision. I honestly believe it and support him in his decision.

But oh boy, I am not happy about it. I'm not angry at all, just not happy and sorely disappointed. I'm awfully discouraged that I won't get to continue to be a part of this incredible company. It's a company that had only 6 people there when I started and as I left the office on Tuesdsay, there were 210-ish employees. I was so excited to be a part of this company's future, as the past had been so exciting / hard / great / inspiring thus far.

I have stock options in the company, so I will be a part of it's future, but only on the outside.

And that makes me sad.

But I'm surprisingly doing okay mentally wise. I haven't "slipped" into the depths of depression that have always been there before. I haven't gotten one single migraine. That's amazing in and of itself. I have a few leads and a LOT of friends looking out for me.

I'm going to be okay. I just HAVE to keep the fear out of my head and replace all negative thoughts with the faith that I have and the faith that others have in me and my abilities.

Whew.

Caveat.

I tossed and turned a bit last night after posting my blog. I feel I need to clarify some things.

I am not in a deep depression. I am sad for my friends (and lack of one), but it hasn't sunk me to levels that depression has in the past. I'm feeling really good and "up" these days and haven't felt that tug to go deep. I was (and am) just sad over these circumstances.

I am also not a private person at all. You wouldn't be reading this if you didn't know that. I don't understand (honestly and truly and sincerely) the need to keep things so private. I feel the more people know about circumstances, etc., the more people are rooting for you through whatever way that's comfortable to them (i.e., prayer, kind words, counseling, etc.). When I say I'm a big fat blabbermouth, it's because people have told me things that are sad or concerning and I would share tidbits to other concerned individuals that I feel would "help" (again in their own way) the other individual.

And from a purely selfish standpoint, some things shared with me are so sad or exciting or heartbreaking that keeping it to myself is a little detrimental. I overthink/over-obsess about everything when it stays in my head. I think I've established that here.

Not trying to excuse myself, just trying to explain my thought process.

I know it's not up to me to decide this and have had a couple of instances where it has really bitten me in the behind. I am working on it and hope and pray that those who know/love/like me still feel like I can be trusted.

I work for the CEO of our company. There are many, many things he tells me or that I see that must be kept confidential due to the nature of my job. And it's not hard. I do it all the time and in my professional career, have been doing that for well over 20 years.

I CAN AND DO KEEP CONFIDENCES. I just had to let you know. Thanks.

Loss.

Let me start this by saying I had every intention of blogging at the beginning of the year. I had a theme and was excited to share what I was thinking about and wanting to do for 2012. Then the crud came on and I have been sick for the past two weeks. Sick and whining to anyone who would listen to me. Even to those that had no choice.

I still plan on writing that blog post, but wanted to do a different one today. I usually only blog when inspiration hits me. I'll have a thought about something I wanna blog about and the words come and I can't wait to get them down. Being a sicky, there was absolutely no room in my snot-filled brain for any words of any kind other than the whining type, and maybe even some R-rated ones. I was not feeling nice or happy or sincere or pleasant or sensitive to anyone around me.

Today is Tuesday and this is already one of my more emotional weeks than I 've had in a long time. Two dear friends of mine both lost someone they love yesterday. This kept me awake for most of the night last night and had me in a semi-comatose state today.

Then another friend told me (well, instant messaged me) this morning that they didn't want to be my friend any more because I can't keep my big fat mouth shut. They felt I told too many secrets and for that reason I was not worth being a friend to any longer.

They were right. I'm not a great secret-keeper. I have reasons/excuses why I'm not, but they would sound self-serving and trite and it doesn't help matters at all. At least where this former friend is concerned.

It sounds so silly and so dramatic and when talking about it a little at lunch it sounded like I was on the playground complaining that so-and-so told so-and-so not to like me and that's not fair.

Show me in the Bible where it says life is fair.

ANYWAY,I need you to know that losing this friend was almost as much of a loss to me as my two friends who both lost a loved one due to death. I mourned this friendship all day long and shed many tears for that loss as well as my friends' loss.

Seriously, I have prayed and prayed to be sensitive to the needs of those around me. I've added that plea in prayers for years and years. As a result, the Lord has made me an ultra-sensitive person. I do feel I'm quite aware of the feelings and circumstances of those around me, but it also means my tender heart takes a beating more often than not.

I get tired of caring sometimes.

But only sometimes.