Forgiveness.

A personal offense is like a scratch on a phonograph record. I couldn't move my thoughts beyond my pain. It kept repeating, as if I were stuck within its grooves. There was only one way to play beyond it. I had to forgive them, so my heart could take its form again.

--Laurel Lee

I had an interesting and wonderful experience yesterday that I want to share.  I was in the temple, preparing to attend the sealing of a friend of mine to her sweetheart of about 11 weeks (it's a wonderful story).  She and I have been close friends for years.

We have another "friend" in common that had done something to someone that I love years ago.  I was angry at this person for years and years and felt like I didn't need to ever care about or be seen with or protect or help or be nice to them ever again.  I felt good about this unconscious decision.  Funnily enough, the loved one that was hurt by this person has probably never given it another thought and has never brought up the offender or situation to me in all these years since.

Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.

--William Arthur Ward

Not surprising, this person was in the temple to attend this same sealing (we were both close to the bride) and because we had time (we were both quite early) we started talking.  All of my feelings of anger and hurt and pride and indignation never surfaced.  Not once.  In that moment, I realized I had missed this person and the reason why we were friends to begin with.

Forgiveness is the economy of the heart... forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits.

--Hannah More

In the middle of this person's conversation to me, I stopped them and told them I had a question for them.  They smiled at me in anticipation and the look on their face when I asked for forgiveness was of surprise and bewilderment.  I didn't tell them why I was angry at them (and they didn't ask), just letting them know that it had to do with a past situation, and that I had been harboring anger and sadness and (again) indignation towards them.  In that moment, it was all completely gone and I was crying to this person to forgive me and my pride.

May God help us to be a little kinder, showing forth greater forbearance, to be more forgiving, more willing to walk the second mile, to reach down and lift up those who may have sinned but have brought forth the fruits of repentance, to lay aside old grudges and nurture them no more.

--Gordon B. Hinckley

This person just laughed and took me in a huge hug and said I was forgiven and that they hoped I could forgive them for whatever it was I was angry about.  OF COURSE.

I'm not telling you this to say, "Well done Tara!" or "You're amazing!"  This whole scenario came out of NOWHERE.  Seriously.  I haven't been dwelling on this person or the situation at all and felt that no forgiveness was needed on my end because frankly, I was over it and over this person.

In the instant I asked for forgiveness and was granted it by this person, a weight was lifted that I had no idea I'd been carrying.  Seriously.  It was an amazing moment and I liked myself just a little bit more yesterday.

Methinks progress is being made here folks...

Why?

I recently reconnected with a friend who was tentative in asking me this question that I tend to get asked a whole lot:

Why aren't you married?

I'm 41 years old and have never been married.  I'm not ugly, though I am a bit fluffy.  I'm kind and considerate and have compassion out the wazoo.  I'm friendly and smiley and more often than not I'm a rather sunshiney person (that gagging sound was my sisters' reaction to this last statement).

What AM I not married?

I think Father has a slightly different plan for me.  I think "my" kids have needed me in a way that they couldn't have had access to if I had a family of my own.  I think I needed to learn and continue to learn how to be my true self.  I need to love (heck, I'll even settle for like) myself more before I can ever ask anyone to love me for always.  I think I needed to and continue to need to improve myself.  I didn't finish college (not even to an AA degree) and I think this on-the-job education is something that is necessary for me.

I continually need to learn the value of a dollar.

I needed to know how to work through a non-death-in-the-family hurt so big my breath was continually being sucked out (still a work in progress in this).  I needed and still need to learn how to serve unselfishly.

I also think my talking/blogging/writing about things that are usually taboo is something I would have never done with a husband/children to worry about and care for.  Being alone has me in my head A LOT and sharing my struggles and triumphs with the world (all 3 of you) has given me confidence to face the world head on.

It's given me a voice.

I want to be married.  I want to love someone as much as he loves me.  The thrills/joys/pangs/heartbreaks of motherhood has been in my heart for a very long time, which I think is why it's helped me be a good aunt to "my" kids, as well as other children who were put in my path.  I do have hope and plead with the Lord often for these blessings to be mine on this earth.

But in the meantime, I'm trying to figure out how to just be me as I am today.

And how to be happy with it...

Frustrated.

I'm frustrated.

I am working at Bethea, Gillette, Johnson and Phelps, which does estate planning and corporations for their clients. I am a paralegal, executive assistant, receptionist, office manager, etc. It's interesting work and I am learning a ton. Seriously, stuff that will help me for my future and will look and be fantastic on a resume.

But I'm not happy here. I'm not happy period. I woke up, once again, really sad this morning. No reason other than this blasted chemical imbalance that I have.

Yes, my life's circumstances always attributes to this chemical situation, but to look at it on paper, I should not be sad. I have a job that's interesting and utilizes me and my talents. My mom has been in town and will continue to be in town until June 2 (I always enjoy having her around). My brother-in-law who has been miserable in his work life for quite a while now has found a PERFECT position at Infusionsoft and will thrive like he has never thrived before. My other brother-in-law was just made a stake president. I wholeheartedly sustain him in that calling and have found that anyone I speak to about it sustains him completely as well. I have a sister who has lost over 100 pounds over the past year and is healthier than she has ever been in her entire adult life. I have another sister who has a missionary out who is turning out to be one of the best men I have ever been related to. My niece is graduating from high school next week and is going pre-med (WOW). One of my dearest friends is getting married to her sweetheart next week. At the age of 41, it's the first marriage for both of them. I AM SO HAPPY FOR HER. I myself have a house that I love, a ward that is fantastic and visiting teachers who are some of the loveliest women I could ever know.

(And yes, THAT Infusionsoft.)

My sister (Cassie) has been worried about me and my reaction to Chad (her husband) working for the company that laid me off. I'm not happy about the fact that I no longer work there, but I honestly and truly could NOT be happier for Chad to get to work at a place that I loved so very much for so many years. So Cassie, quit worrying about that.

But it doesn't change the fact that I continue to be sad about not being there myself. I truly thought I would retire from there at MY choice. My whole life has revolved around that company and its people and the thought of not being a part of it never EVER crossed my mind.

And this is the number one reason why I continue to be sad.

I need to get over it. I know I do and hope someday that I will be able to. Someone suggested I get counseling. It's a thought that I continue to visit every so often.

But I'm not ready for that yet. I keep hoping that prayer and meds and communication with those that are closest to me will talk me off this ledge that I seem to constantly be on.

I miss my happy self.  I want her back.