Caveat.

I tossed and turned a bit last night after posting my blog. I feel I need to clarify some things.

I am not in a deep depression. I am sad for my friends (and lack of one), but it hasn't sunk me to levels that depression has in the past. I'm feeling really good and "up" these days and haven't felt that tug to go deep. I was (and am) just sad over these circumstances.

I am also not a private person at all. You wouldn't be reading this if you didn't know that. I don't understand (honestly and truly and sincerely) the need to keep things so private. I feel the more people know about circumstances, etc., the more people are rooting for you through whatever way that's comfortable to them (i.e., prayer, kind words, counseling, etc.). When I say I'm a big fat blabbermouth, it's because people have told me things that are sad or concerning and I would share tidbits to other concerned individuals that I feel would "help" (again in their own way) the other individual.

And from a purely selfish standpoint, some things shared with me are so sad or exciting or heartbreaking that keeping it to myself is a little detrimental. I overthink/over-obsess about everything when it stays in my head. I think I've established that here.

Not trying to excuse myself, just trying to explain my thought process.

I know it's not up to me to decide this and have had a couple of instances where it has really bitten me in the behind. I am working on it and hope and pray that those who know/love/like me still feel like I can be trusted.

I work for the CEO of our company. There are many, many things he tells me or that I see that must be kept confidential due to the nature of my job. And it's not hard. I do it all the time and in my professional career, have been doing that for well over 20 years.

I CAN AND DO KEEP CONFIDENCES. I just had to let you know. Thanks.

Loss.

Let me start this by saying I had every intention of blogging at the beginning of the year. I had a theme and was excited to share what I was thinking about and wanting to do for 2012. Then the crud came on and I have been sick for the past two weeks. Sick and whining to anyone who would listen to me. Even to those that had no choice.

I still plan on writing that blog post, but wanted to do a different one today. I usually only blog when inspiration hits me. I'll have a thought about something I wanna blog about and the words come and I can't wait to get them down. Being a sicky, there was absolutely no room in my snot-filled brain for any words of any kind other than the whining type, and maybe even some R-rated ones. I was not feeling nice or happy or sincere or pleasant or sensitive to anyone around me.

Today is Tuesday and this is already one of my more emotional weeks than I 've had in a long time. Two dear friends of mine both lost someone they love yesterday. This kept me awake for most of the night last night and had me in a semi-comatose state today.

Then another friend told me (well, instant messaged me) this morning that they didn't want to be my friend any more because I can't keep my big fat mouth shut. They felt I told too many secrets and for that reason I was not worth being a friend to any longer.

They were right. I'm not a great secret-keeper. I have reasons/excuses why I'm not, but they would sound self-serving and trite and it doesn't help matters at all. At least where this former friend is concerned.

It sounds so silly and so dramatic and when talking about it a little at lunch it sounded like I was on the playground complaining that so-and-so told so-and-so not to like me and that's not fair.

Show me in the Bible where it says life is fair.

ANYWAY,I need you to know that losing this friend was almost as much of a loss to me as my two friends who both lost a loved one due to death. I mourned this friendship all day long and shed many tears for that loss as well as my friends' loss.

Seriously, I have prayed and prayed to be sensitive to the needs of those around me. I've added that plea in prayers for years and years. As a result, the Lord has made me an ultra-sensitive person. I do feel I'm quite aware of the feelings and circumstances of those around me, but it also means my tender heart takes a beating more often than not.

I get tired of caring sometimes.

But only sometimes.