Reactions.

Sigh.

I knew the last couple of weeks' worth of meltdowns were gonna make me pay.

They did, in the form of gaining 2.2 pounds according to the Weight Watchers scale that I stood on last night.

But that hasn't got me down. In fact this morning one of those pounds has already left and it's all downhill (in a good way) from here on out.

It's been interesting, to say the least, how people have reacted to this new, no-holds-barred me - sharing EVERYTHING. I was pretty much that way anyway, but this little tiny issue of a chemical imbalance is one that still makes people uncomfortable. Most are cool and talk easily about it with me, and even some that I don't know that well are reading this and responding in such a lovely way (got a HUGE hug from a sweet co-worker this morning - out of the blue and nothing was said).

Then there are some people (who really surprise me) who don't seem to know how to deal with me dealing with this stuff. People I thought I was close to.

Those sting a little.

I guess I shouldn't say "I thought I was close to." I'm still close to them, just not really talking about this "stuff." I have to filter myself, or at least not let it be about me when we're visiting, which everything shouldn't be about me anyway.

I'm feeling like I'm not making much sense here. Just spewing words, frustrations and reactions... Not needing affirmations from you readers out there. Just emptying my brain of thoughts that have been building up for a while.

Happy Friday ya'll!

Bugged.

I have to say, after the post I did last night, I'm feeling awfully bugged today.

Today is my 8-year anniversary with my company, Infusionsoft. I love this place, my boss, the people, the culture, the software, the managerial team, the location - everything. Besides the owners and one other fella (hi Jeremy!), I have been here the longest. I was hoping for miles and miles and piles and piles of hugs from everyone.

Nothing. Nada. Nichts.

A few verbal congratulations. A nice email or two on Monday when it was announced it was this week. But no hugs.

I really like hugs. Yes, yes I really do.

(I know. Time to get over myself. These people ARE pretty fabo...)

Hugs.

I have been in bed, literally, for two days. I've had a migraine both of those days and today I had a flu bug of sorts. AS a result, I have slept more than I've been awake. I finally feel better this evening (it's 9:30 p.m. Arizona time) and though right now is my bedtime (in fact PAST my bedtime - yes I'm OLD), I am more wide awake than I've been in the last 48 hours.

I've been wanting to write about hugs for a while. I grew up in a very loving, yet non-demonstrative home. We didn't really hug or kiss each other. We knew without any doubt whatsoever that we were loved and cherished, we just didn't show it or was really shown it.

I was never much of a hugger myself, that is until I moved to Utah and realized part of the by-laws of living there is you must become a hugger. Everyone hugs there. It was hard to get used to and I thought at the time I left Utah that I never really got used to it. But then I moved back home to Arizona and found I hugged rather easily. So it stuck.

I'm so glad it did. I love to hug and I love to be hugged. Any kind of hug is nice, but the best kind is the all-encompassing hug where my arms are fully around the person and their arms are fully around me. The kind of hug that means business.

Nothing, and I really believe that NOTHING physically comforts better than a full blown hug.

I guess I'm writing this to you to tell you I'm going become an even better hugger. I have a nephew who is on a mission right now in Fresno, California. He needs to teach classes on the proper way to hug because man alive, you KNOW he loves you and cares about you and has compassion for you just through his hugs. That really says a lot.

I want people to feel that same way when I hug them. I don't take kissing lightly (sigh, six or so years and counting) and I definitely don't take hugs lightly, but they're easier to give to more than someone you're really in to (ahem).

I love my family, my friends, my associates, my boss, his family, my company, my ward, my home teachers, my visiting teachers and just about anyone that I get to spend time with. I love easily, and that's a blessing for me. Now let me hug this love to you.

Watch out! Huggy Tara is on the loose!

Lifted.

Yesterday late morning my brother-in-law called in a little bit of a panic. My sister was out of town (6th grade camp) and he was Mr. Mom. He is self-employed and a customer needed him onsite RIGHT AWAY - in Oklahoma. He asked me if I could help and I jumped at the chance.

Today I am working from my sister's house hanging out with my namesake who I can't get enough of.

Talk about a mood lifter, even if she DID throw up right before I got here and is all stuffed up and a little warm today.

Cuddles from this critter is medicine to my soul.

What or who is the one thing that can lift your spirits more than anything/one else?

I KNOW.

Hi.

I KNOW without any doubt that I am loved. I have a ton of friends, some that I've known just about my entire life and I love them and they love me.

I have a family that is close. So close we fight at times, but we fight because we love each other and care about each other's lives and choices.

I have nieces and nephews who adore me, but more importantly I adore them. They are my lifeline.

I work with people who are absolute joys to be around.

I belong to a ward (Church) that appreciates me and my ability to lead the music every Sunday.

I have a Father in Heaven who knows who I AM and is aware of me and my challenges and my concerns and my sadnesses and I'm grateful that I can pray to Him anytime and anywhere and He does hear me. And I KNOW that He hears me.

I know I bring value to this earth, to this country, to this company, to my friends, to this family and to those around me.

Yet the sadness is there. Many times there is absolutely no reason for it. The tears start and can't seem to stop. Many times they'll eventually go away after a looooooooong tear-fest, sometimes it takes Priesthood blessings pronounced on my head to help me see clearly, sometimes all it takes is a hug and sometimes all it takes is for people to not openly show compassion to me. Yes, I said that right. Nothing, NOTHING makes me cry harder than compassion. And if I'm honest with myself, the tears are different when the compassion comes to the surface. Better tears if there are such things.

But I really, REALLY hate crying. I do too much of it lately and I especially LOATHE crying in public. Had another ugly cry at lunch yesterday, but am so lucky to work where I work that I was able to go to the first person I saw and ask for a blessing and he immediately jumped up, grabbed the first person he saw and they eased my emotions with a lovely blessing from a Father who loves me.

See, just writing that and remembering that has made the tears come to the surface again.

I know. I really REALLY do.

Tears.

Definitely not having a great week. Way too inside my head again. I ugly-cried all the way home yesterday in my car. No reason. Just cried and felt dumb for crying and really wanted a good hard hug, but cried harder because there wasn't anyone to deliver that hug.

I know part of this (maybe a very large part of this) is because I'm PMSing. Hey - we ALL know "it" happens to women so why be shy talking about it? But these PMS episodes lately are really bad. And the "special" thing that follows is also really, REALLY bad (I had to call in sick last month due to feminine issues - never done THAT before). I am actually wondering if it wouldn't be worth it to stop the special times for good.

I think I've found the source of my tears.

I am 40 (almost 41) and single and childless. I will not have any children unless I get married. Since the man of my dreams has yet to show his face, my ability to have children naturally gets less and less likely. And there's my dilemma. Do I take the (likely) chance that having biological children is not in the cards for me and do something permanent about it, or do I get more and more miserable as each month comes with the hope that "HE" is right around the corner and "THEY" will be coming to me soon?

The ugly cry yesterday, I believe, was in fear and loathing of what's coming next week because of it's awfulness.

All of my prayers lately have covered this subject and I just don't know what I want to do. I have a doctor's appointment in November that I plan on discussing this with him. But I don't hold a lot of hope there. I'm not sure why.

Depression is sure ugly and honestly I'M SO TIRED OF IT. It makes things so much worse than they are to anyone else. And I recognize/realize that in the grand scheme of things, this is so insignificant. But it's so major in my mind right now. Encompassing all of my thoughts and worries and fears and and and...

Bah.

Dumb.

I'm really struggling today. I can't shake the doldrums. There is nothing specific or no one special who is contributing to this feeling.

I wanna go home and climb into bed.

Just a dumb day for no apparent reason...

Burdens.

Weight update: lost 1.4 more pounds, for a total of 11 so far...

Now on to the blog post:

Lately, there have been a few of my acquaintances/friends that have had some major, life-altering events happen to them. Things that I would love to speak with them and/or close friends about just to make sense of the injustice. That's how I work things out - I talk about it and that helps with the grumps or sadness or injustice or depressions.

I have not been given permission to share any information with anyone and I have to say, knowing what I know really brings me down. I have talked a little bit about these instances with my boss, who has such great wisdom and insight. But he's the CEO of a fast-growing company and I don't like to take his time with clearing out my head. Don't get me wrong - he's always willing to talk, but I also know he's always so, so busy.

I'm grateful I have the ability to pray to a loving Heavenly Father. I lay my burdens at His feet continuously, but because these "burdens" aren't necessarily MY burdens, just burdens of people that I care about, I pray for them and I pray for me and I still feel sad. I think that's the human part of having a spiritual life. And probably the depression part of having a human experience.

I'm trying to make this more of a spiritual life with human experiences rather than a human life with spiritual experiences. It's a big difference to me when I'm able to switch those things around. I'm much happier and content and in tune to those around me.

I feel like I'm in tune to these people that are struggling and it's so painful. Maybe I'm writing this out to call on those of you who pray to pray for Tara's friends who are struggling. I'm a HUGE advocate of the power of prayer and feel the more prayers said on behalf of someone the better that someone will feel and/or the situation will become. I also know that the Lord knows who I (and ultimately you) am/are talking about without naming names.

Will you pray on behalf of these friends of mine?

Again!

TWO compliments on my dress today. TWO of them. I can't stop smiling.

I can totally get used to this...

Loss.

It's been a few days since I last wrote, and in that time, I lost another two pounds. I am .4 pounds away from my first 10. Kind of a big deal for me. Never been a fan of dieting and losing was never important to me. Odd isn't it?

Yesterday at Church, the opening hymn was "I Need Thee Every Hour" and since I'm the Ward Chorister, I stand up front of everyone and direct the music.

Because yesterday was the 10th anniversary of September 11 and I spent all morning watching programs of that tragic day, as well as given the fact that this song is one that we sang at my dad's funeral two years ago, I stood up there and cried while directing the song. I didn't sing. I couldn't. I could smile through the tears though, and that's what I did.

I miss my dad.

Something happened today that honestly hasn't happened in a really long time. I didn't realize I missed hearing it until it happened. I was complimented, by a good looking male (he's married with 2.5 kids - don't get excited). He walked by me at work and said he wanted to say something earlier, but didn't want to embarrass me in front of the others as we were chatting, but that he thought I looked real pretty today and he wanted to ensure I knew that.

Talk about a loss for words. I didn't know how to respond or what to say, which I think is what he preferred. I have to be honest - it brings tears to my eyes now as I'm writing this to realize I haven't heard a compliment on my looks in I don't know how long. I also didn't realize I needed to hear one.

Please take this kind gentleman's example and compliment. Compliment strangers and loved ones and kids and adults and any time you think of a nice thing about someone, say it out loud. Bret, you made my day and I dedicate this blog post to you.

Expectations.

Hi.

Miss me?

Been busy, yet haven't had lots to write about. I enjoy writing and I have missed feeling inspired to do so.

SO! Two weeks ago was the last time I went to Weight Watchers. For whatever reason, that was a rough week and I ate and ate and ate (I'm sure none of you know what that is like). I was very happy when I weighed in and didn't gain a pound. Didn't lose a pound either, but that's okay, as I was determined to do better and be back on the losing track.

Except.

My boss (who is one of the very BEST people I know) sent me a text late Wednesday (8/31) night (around 11:30). Let me back up. I am an executive assistant and get to plan meetings for my boss (the CEO) and his executive team at different off-site locations once a quarter. Once a year they go out of town to do these meetings to keep up their creative juices (it's amazing what comes out of these meetings). This year I planned for their meeting in Park City, Utah, at the Stein Ericksen Lodge. They flew up on 8/31, their spouses flew up on 9/1, and the meeting was over on 9/2.

Back to the text late on 8/31. I was already asleep when this came (if you know me at all, I'm an early-to-bed girl), so when I read it the next morning around 5:15, I had to rub my eyes and read and re-read it several times to get the gist of what he was saying.

His text was: "Is there any way you can come up here for the rest of the week? This place is amazing. I want to treat you to an incredible weekend."

I first asked him (seriously) if it was April Fools, then I wanted/needed to be reassured over and over that he was really serious. He was and I have never packed a bag so fast in my entire life, flew up there and true to his promise, it was an INCREDIBLE weekend.

(This was Thursday morning and I get weighed at Weight Watchers on Thursday night. The idea of this trip erased ANY disappointment I felt in realizing if I had lost more weight.)

The lodge itself (http://www.steinlodge.com/accommodations) was beautiful. I was happy just to sit in the room, soak up the beauty and watch TV on the humongous TV in either the family room or the bedroom (you get both when you're in a SUITE). There was a hot tub on the porch and one of the biggest bathtubs you've ever seen in the bathroom. The weather was lovely and it was such a treat to just have the windows open.

On Friday (9/1) I got to meet up with my mom, sister, brother-in-law and 3 nephews at Swiss Days in Midway, Utah. That's a huge craft fair (too huge in my opinion - way too many people there) that's held once a year on Labor Day weekend. It was hot, but not Arizona hot and it was nice being outdoors with those that I love.

My sister came back with me to the hotel to stay the night and both she and I giggled like school girls at the luxury of the place. I felt like a redneck bumpkin the entire time I was there, but I think I gave a lot of those folks a good laugh at my exuberance.

Saturday (9/2) my sister and I went back to the valley. I dropped Cassie off and I went to Mom's and stayed until Monday night.

I got to play with Cassie's kids, have a baby in my lap all through Church (Cassie is a mother of 9 and has 3 babies) and see an older nephew who is staying with my mom while he goes to college.

On Monday Mom let me go into her garden and pick a bunch of stuff for homemade salsa. She should get a job at a UPS store or something and teach people how to pack. Every single one of those vegetables (and there were A LOT) made it back to Arizona safe and sound and not smushed because of Mom's packing job.

Also on Monday (because it was Labor Day, a holiday) my mom, my sister, my brother-in-law, 7 of their 9 children and I all went to Thanksgiving Pointe to walk around and watch the kids play outside on their beautiful grounds. Flowers and green GREEN grass EVERYWHERE. So so lovely. Kids screamed and played and had a ball and it was fun just being with them. I don't get to do that much with this family.

I will be getting weighed at Weight Watchers this Thursday, but I suspect I have gained everything that I lost due to the fact that I ate and ate and ate some of the best food I've ever had there (and, well, frankly at Mom's too - you should taste her pumpkin bread).

I'm okay with this. I had no expectations for this trip because it was planned in five minutes flat. Because of this, there weren't any disappointments and no need to feel rushed or guilt at anything. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and came back rejuvenated unlike any way I ever have been before. I have just started over with the weight thing and continue to make it a priority.

I'm good.

I'm really, REALLY good...