Why?

I recently reconnected with a friend who was tentative in asking me this question that I tend to get asked a whole lot:

Why aren't you married?

I'm 41 years old and have never been married.  I'm not ugly, though I am a bit fluffy.  I'm kind and considerate and have compassion out the wazoo.  I'm friendly and smiley and more often than not I'm a rather sunshiney person (that gagging sound was my sisters' reaction to this last statement).

What AM I not married?

I think Father has a slightly different plan for me.  I think "my" kids have needed me in a way that they couldn't have had access to if I had a family of my own.  I think I needed to learn and continue to learn how to be my true self.  I need to love (heck, I'll even settle for like) myself more before I can ever ask anyone to love me for always.  I think I needed to and continue to need to improve myself.  I didn't finish college (not even to an AA degree) and I think this on-the-job education is something that is necessary for me.

I continually need to learn the value of a dollar.

I needed to know how to work through a non-death-in-the-family hurt so big my breath was continually being sucked out (still a work in progress in this).  I needed and still need to learn how to serve unselfishly.

I also think my talking/blogging/writing about things that are usually taboo is something I would have never done with a husband/children to worry about and care for.  Being alone has me in my head A LOT and sharing my struggles and triumphs with the world (all 3 of you) has given me confidence to face the world head on.

It's given me a voice.

I want to be married.  I want to love someone as much as he loves me.  The thrills/joys/pangs/heartbreaks of motherhood has been in my heart for a very long time, which I think is why it's helped me be a good aunt to "my" kids, as well as other children who were put in my path.  I do have hope and plead with the Lord often for these blessings to be mine on this earth.

But in the meantime, I'm trying to figure out how to just be me as I am today.

And how to be happy with it...