Woe is me.

I need to write this post.  I apologize ahead of time because it will be a downer.

I've been a major downer for the past month or so and I can't seem to shake it.

In thinking about how it all started, I want to tell you my story thus far:

Back in December 2011, my boss gave me a trip for two to Maui as a Christmas present/good job done.  I would be going with the rest of the President's Club winners in February.  And I got to bring my sister Leslie.

Come February and the trip, it was lovely.  I thoroughly enjoyed hanging with my sister and enjoying all the luxuries Maui had to offer.  My only concern then was I felt my boss was a little off - at least towards me.  I mentioned it several times to my sister, who told me to relax and let him relax and just enjoy being on vacation with his wife.  I agreed with her, but still felt frustrated for some reason.

We got home the weekend before President's Day, so we had that Monday off to fully recoup.  I was really looking forward to going back in to work on Tuesday for many reasons:  one is the fact that I really did work in the best place in America and loved going to work each day.  Two was the fact that it was my quarterly performance review and I always loved those - I always came away feeling built up or new goals set or things to improve on that were always said in a kind and loving way.  I always enjoyed these meetings.

When I went in to that meeting that morning, I was completely caught off guard when I was told I was being let go.  A lot of it had to do with the fact that the position I held was being changed, a lot of it had to do with the fact that I missed a lot of work due to migraines.  He was tired of dealing with it and needed someone who he could count on.

That hurt and I ran out of there crying.  Sobbing.  I not only lost my job, but I lost my boss/friend and my security.  I lost the thought knowing that though these migraines were debilitating, they were understood and handled kindly by those I worked for and with.

Looking back I don't blame them, but at the time it killed me.

About a month and a half later I started working for an attorney in an estate law office.  He created the position for me and there was a huge learning curve.  I was unhappy (I went from working with 210 employees to 3) and scared that as a 1099 employee freaking out at dealing with taxes for the first time in my life.  I had a boss that was nice, but really hard to read and I was just a fish out of water.

I then got more comfortable with my surroundings, those that I worked with got more comfortable with me, found a life-long friend in the mean time and got some great advice and kindness and a good showing of friendship from my boss that endeared him to me.  And things started making sense.  I was enjoying what I was doing - I was understanding the process and found the whole thing really interesting and was finally in a groove, finally in a place that I enjoyed coming in to work again.

The bomb dropped again when my boss called me in one Friday afternoon and said he realized he could hire an associate attorney (i.e., one fresh out of law school) and pay him the same amount of money he was paying me - that the attorney could do what I was doing as well as legal stuff that I couldn't do.  He wanted to do this right away, so he's given me until the end of October (preferably earlier) to find another job.  He then wrote me a wonderful letter of recommendation that I have been using to look for another job.

Rewind a bit - in the middle of this new law job, I met and dated and got engaged to someone who I thought was my eternal companion.  It was fast and furious, but also lovely and spiritual and he actually got down on one knee in front of his entire family on the day his mom married her high school sweetheart (his dad passed away about 2 years prior) and asked me to marry him.  It was perfect and I was happy.  So so happy.

During this engagement time, he borrowed some money from me to pay his tax bill.  This was not something he asked me for.  I volunteered it and felt comfortable volunteering it.  I had no doubt he would pay me back.  Also, when it was time to look for engagement rings, he didn't have the money to purchase one, but we found one almost immediately that was perfect.  We found it, of all places, on craigslist and we both fell in love with it the moment we both saw it.  Again, I volunteered to pay the cash with the idea he would pay me back as soon as he got the money.  I wasn't worried.  We were going to get married and what was mine was his and what was his was mine.  I was grateful that I had enough severance pay from Infusionsoft to have had cash in my savings and be able to help out.

While the ring was being sized (it took a week), we went down to Benson to help his sister and her family have a 4th of July BBQ that they put on every year.  They own a used car lot and have been putting this on for the town for years, and Jim had always gone down to help out.  I was happy to join him this year.  It was fun.  We spent the morning cutting up watermelons in the pouring rain and just enjoyed the whole process.  Really enjoyed his family too.

While we were running an errand, all of a sudden the van that he drove lost it's air conditioning.  It stopped working completely.  This is when the idea of looking into one of their used trucks came in to mind.

We found a 2006 Nissan Titan that totally fit the bill.  Jim is not a small guy, but he fit into this truck perfectly, along with spare room.  We knew trucks don't get the best mileage, so the initial thought was he would drive it until we got married, then I would drive it and he would drive my gas efficient Hyundai, as he did a lot more driving than I did.  He loved that truck and I'll admit so did I.  Especially more than a mini van.

When we went in to pull his credit and see what we were dealing with, it turned out he had/has a LOUSY credit history and his credit score was such that he couldn't get a loan.  Again, Tara to the rescue.  My brilliant idea was to get the loan in my name (I was fairly certain my credit scare was pretty good - turned out it was excellent) and just have Jim drive the truck, make the payments along with the insurance payments.  Since the loan was in my name, he put his name and my name on the insurance to make it all legal.

Exactly one week later, we broke up due to my deceitful credit card use.  I had told him I had some credit card debt in the beginning of our relationship, but he didn't recall or didn't realize how much and feels any kind of credit card debt is deceitful spending and wondered if I was even worthy of a temple recommend.  He demanded I do a budget immediately (I am not used to being yelled at in any way, shape or form, especially by someone I love) and basically yelled back saying something to the effect of, "Like hell I will."  He stormed out of my house and in the end, that was his ultimate reason for breaking up with me.  I "refused" to do a budget.

Whatever.  This left me with an engagement ring to sell, a $1,000 debt to collect from him, as well as the hope he would figure out a way to get the truck out of my name and into his so I didn't have that truck debt on my credit.

He paid the cash back almost immediately.  It took me about 2 months to sell the ring, and I made $100 profit on that.  Two days after selling the ring, and me continually bugging him to figure out a way to get that loan off of my credit, he responds with this (you'll love this) email:

I am not ignoring you.  You asked me only to deal with Ron.  My phone crashed and I lost all my contacts so I must reply to you.
 
After hearing your request, I went to apply for a loan.  I was declined because I paid to have your ring cleaned and resized instead of paying my house payment.  That dinged my credit after the tax ding. 

I will be dropping the truck off this week.  This will be the fasteast way for you to get your money.  And you will not have to worry about waiting on me to make the payment.

I did not want this truck in the first place.  We bought it for you to drive.  Since I drive over 100 miles a day for work, it is costing me 200-300 dollars extra in gas.  My boss is willing to loan me a car for the next month. 

I cannot sell the truck because it is in your name or I would.  So, let me know when you want me to drop it off.  I can do it Friday night or Saturday.

I then told him I would pick up the truck that night and he no longer had access to it.  I also shortly thereafter got an email from his oldest sister asking me to stop bad mouthing him on Facebook.

I have some fantastic friends - many of them male and had a couple of them offer to help me pick it up.  Jim wasn't home when I did pick it up.  He left the key in the tailpipe and I now have a truck for sale, a truck debt that I can't afford, and am in the process of losing my job.  On top of everything else, it is monsoon season and I am stuck home a lot in a cold, dark house with an eye mask on my eyes trying not to die.

I have gotten feeling sorry for myself down to an art.  I am losing this battle of my spiritual self vs. my human self.  I feel overwhelmed all the time, I feel completely alone (in the decisions that must be made - not in this world) and I feel myself emotionally/mentally shutting down.

I have missed two days of work this week already due to the storms and migraines.  That is two days that I will not be getting paid for as I am a 1099 employee and only get paid for the days/hours I work.  This doesn't bode well with my current boss (though he has been FANTASTIC about it all) and it doesn't bode well for me looking for another job.

I'm looking both here (Arizona) and Utah.  I met with a realtor to see if my house will sell.  That is a toss up.  It's a weird market right now.  I DON'T want to sell my house and I really don't want to move to Utah - I can't stand the thought of leaving my Taralee.  She is my absolute joy.

But I keep thinking it may be the key to getting financial security back, as well as starting over.

So there you go.  My year 2012 all in one post.  It's quite the pathetic woe-is-me blog and I am sorry for that.  I am not asking for any advice or frowny faces or what can I do for you or anything of the sort.  I'm just needing to write it all down so I can return to it and possibly face each thing one by one and possibly take the overwhelm out of it.

'Cause right now, I am so overwhelmed I don't even know where to begin...