Frustrated.

I'm frustrated.

I am working at Bethea, Gillette, Johnson and Phelps, which does estate planning and corporations for their clients. I am a paralegal, executive assistant, receptionist, office manager, etc. It's interesting work and I am learning a ton. Seriously, stuff that will help me for my future and will look and be fantastic on a resume.

But I'm not happy here. I'm not happy period. I woke up, once again, really sad this morning. No reason other than this blasted chemical imbalance that I have.

Yes, my life's circumstances always attributes to this chemical situation, but to look at it on paper, I should not be sad. I have a job that's interesting and utilizes me and my talents. My mom has been in town and will continue to be in town until June 2 (I always enjoy having her around). My brother-in-law who has been miserable in his work life for quite a while now has found a PERFECT position at Infusionsoft and will thrive like he has never thrived before. My other brother-in-law was just made a stake president. I wholeheartedly sustain him in that calling and have found that anyone I speak to about it sustains him completely as well. I have a sister who has lost over 100 pounds over the past year and is healthier than she has ever been in her entire adult life. I have another sister who has a missionary out who is turning out to be one of the best men I have ever been related to. My niece is graduating from high school next week and is going pre-med (WOW). One of my dearest friends is getting married to her sweetheart next week. At the age of 41, it's the first marriage for both of them. I AM SO HAPPY FOR HER. I myself have a house that I love, a ward that is fantastic and visiting teachers who are some of the loveliest women I could ever know.

(And yes, THAT Infusionsoft.)

My sister (Cassie) has been worried about me and my reaction to Chad (her husband) working for the company that laid me off. I'm not happy about the fact that I no longer work there, but I honestly and truly could NOT be happier for Chad to get to work at a place that I loved so very much for so many years. So Cassie, quit worrying about that.

But it doesn't change the fact that I continue to be sad about not being there myself. I truly thought I would retire from there at MY choice. My whole life has revolved around that company and its people and the thought of not being a part of it never EVER crossed my mind.

And this is the number one reason why I continue to be sad.

I need to get over it. I know I do and hope someday that I will be able to. Someone suggested I get counseling. It's a thought that I continue to visit every so often.

But I'm not ready for that yet. I keep hoping that prayer and meds and communication with those that are closest to me will talk me off this ledge that I seem to constantly be on.

I miss my happy self.  I want her back.