Well, I asked for it.
Since we broke up, I have never felt any kind of closure with him. He stopped talking to me and the little bit of communication he did with me was very clinical and not very direct.
I have been pleading with the Lord to give me closure, so I can truly move on. I didn't realize how much I carried a hope that this was just a hiccup and things would eventually resume between the two of us, both of us stronger and more mature and more eyes wide open.
I let him know I had some stuff of his I needed to get to him and I sent him a text asking where I could bring it. He gave me a location that I could leave the bag and he would pick it up later, so I did that.
But doing that opened up a little thread of communication with him and me being me, I pushed him on telling me what happened and why it happened and why it couldn't be fixed. He was vague and a little ridiculous in some of his answers to me (all of this via text) last night, but it was enough that I felt like answers were coming.
I got a looooooooooooooong text from him this morning telling me everything that was wrong with me in this relationship, because I asked for it so he felt to finally get me off his back, he was gonna give it to me. It was painful to read, but I swallowed my pride and tried to take his points and comment on them, point by point, hoping to alleviate some of the anger he had towards me.
For all my good intentions and swallowed pride, all it did was have him come back to me with this, "I have no regrets about ending this because my side of the street was clean. If I hurt you I am sorry. Please forgive me. Love you too much to feed this part of you.."
(I don't know what this means.)
But man alive, If that aint closure, I don't know what is.
And I've been bawling my eyes out all day long as a result. It's okay. I need to do this and truly mourn this relationship because like a death, it will never come back to life, so I am mourning and crying and praying and plan on putting this ALL behind me.
Tomorrow.
Apparently my post on July 22 offended several members of his family. I think I removed them all from my reading list because I don't want to censure myself for their sake. This is also why I went back to private. This is my personal journal and only you (who are reading this) gets to be invited to read and journey along with me...
ReplyDeleteWow Tara....I'm so sorry for this awful and painful experience you are going through. However, I can not hold back from telling you how much better you are than all of this. I didn't know Jim, and you obviously loved him, but you are an.amazing woman and he just comes no where near deserving you. Again, I'm so sorry. Life's experiences just suck sometimes...those times mold us and shape us into something better than before. You are beautiful, talented, honest, sincere, compassionate, trustworthy, hard-wirkibg, giving of yourself and the list could go on and on. If you're not good enough for him, no one is and he will continue to be a lonely, sad person. You, however won't! You will continue to be all those things and more. You are an example to me and you have been for more than 25 years. In short, you are an amazing woman!!!
ReplyDeleteMercy! I'm so saddened by your news and that Mr. M has treated you so unkindly. I'm sorry that you are being stretched and pulled into yet another level of amazing but girl you are just that...AMAZING! So just keep your chin up and keep reaching for the stars. Your Mr. RIGHT is out there waiting for just the right time :) I admire your strength, faith and courage. YOU ARE LOVED by so many. xoxo Nikki
ReplyDeleteI can't believe the "my side of the street is clean" comment. A relationship in which one person is unwilling to work and communicate will never work. You deserve someone who appreciates, loves, and sees you clearly. You are amazing, and Kelly's right- he doesn't deserve you. I hope that closure and healing will come quickly!
ReplyDeleteI unfriended him. ha. He is not good enough for you. He is not obviously mature enough to mold with someone and that is what it takes in a marriage. No one is perfect including him. Hang in there. It is better you learned this now and not 10 years into a marriage.
ReplyDeleteSince this is now private, I just have to say that you indeed dodged a bullet. First, marriage is work, it's amazing, but it's work, two people working side by side, not blaming and blaming but working together!! We all have our personal issues we were sent here to work on. We all struggle with different things. Your spouse should be your biggest cheerleader, not a critic. Your spouse should hope and want you to succeed beyond what you thought possible, not fail. Well, all these things give us experience. Hang in there, sometimes we just have to let time heal after we've done all that we can.
ReplyDeleteHe is a piece of crap!!! Sorry, but I think you dodged a major bullet. Love you!!!
ReplyDeleteThis is Cassie not mom.
Cassie - I just wish you wouldn't beat around the bush so much, I mean just say what you're thinking without any resistance...haha love you Cassie!!!!
ReplyDeleteHe is a nut and you desreve so much better? How dare him to say you need to clean up your side of the street! You are waaay to good for him!
ReplyDeleteHis side of the road may be clean, but I think it should have big orange cones with caution tape and "road damage" signs lining it.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Cassie on this one. And Cassie, that was hilarious. But really, he is clearly FAR to immature and damaged and incapable of REALLY following through with committment to EVER have marriage work. I'm SO sorry that you had to go through this pain, but like you say, clearly there is something to be learned and hopefully you will truly come out the other side wiser and stronger. Now, how can I punch him in the face for being so stupid?
ReplyDeleteTara-I have been dumb-founded as I have watched this whole situation unfold. I have really wanted to send you a message about it all...but could not for the life of me put how I felt into words. Your friend, Kelly, said it for me-I echo her word for word.
ReplyDeleteThe comment, "My side of the street was clean." tells it all...and if he ever does come knocking on your door again Tara...RUN!
ReplyDeleteWhen people show you who they are, BELIEVE THEM!
You are loved by many. Promise me you will never speak to him or text him again. Silence is more than he deserves.
Not to act like I am 12 or something but you are way too cute for him anyway! :)
Amen to all of the above! Holy cow!
ReplyDeleteHere Here....that "my side of the street..." comment really burns me up. Sorry he hurt you Tara, he sounds mean.
ReplyDelete