Buggered.

K, I already did a post called Bugged, so I needed a new word.

I think I like BUGGERED a bit better, 'cause I'm feeling it a lot lately.

I'm buggered that H and J decided to divorce. I'm buggered that C seems to think I'm responsible for the craziness that he/she experiences. I'm buggered that D is angry with me. I'm buggered that J and B have lost something precious to them. I'm buggered that J doesn't seem interested in talking to me any more. I'm buggered that A never initiates contact. I'm buggered that A and L continue to experience a loss that no one can imagine. I'm buggered that M is so sarcastic on FB.

I'm buggered that I only get hits on my dating profile from 70+ year old men, men who live in Arab nations, or men that are 5'1". NO. LIE.

I'm just buggered. It means I'm bugged and sad and confused and irritated and chuckling all in one word.

Buggered.

Idle.

Not as in "American Idle" (though you would be spelling it wrong if you thought that).

As in TIME TO STOP BEING Idle.

Last week's date has REALLY got me to thinking. How can I expect the Lord to send me "my" guy when I'm not willing to do anything to put myself out there? Being 41, LDS and single is not the easiest market to put myself in, yet there are avenues that I have, up to this point, been completely unwilling to travel.

Time to go on a trip.

I purchased a 6-month membership to www.ldssingles.com on Saturday and have signed up for a free membership to www.ldsplanet.com yesterday. I'm not sure what will happen, but I NEED to do my part to TRY to make SOMETHING happen.

I'm uncomfortable doing this. These online things seem to be all about appearances - am I cute enough to warrant a "flirt" or is he handsome enough for me to "smile" at. That's so not me in any way, shape or form.

So I admit I'm rather skeptical at this path, yet I KNOW there are many, MANY success stories of those who have gone this direction (along with the success stories I've also heard many horror stories - trying to go positive here). But I'm doing it with an open mind and heart, and a LOT of prayer.

I just wanna date and learn to socialize again. Please pray that I find that ability (and maybe a "he" in the process)...

Date.

I miss dating. I miss the butterflies in the tummy wondering if this guy could possibly be fun enough to warrant another date. I miss having a purpose to get a little "readier" than normal.

I had a date on Wednesday night. I thoroughly enjoyed having the car door opened for me by a very good-smelling man.

I enjoyed the conversation to and from our party that we went to.

I enjoyed having a person there who was there to be with me. We played games and shot baskets and shot down pirates (the date was at Dave and Busters), all together. I wasn't ever left alone.

I enjoyed the fact that the conversation that started in the car continued long after we pulled back up to his house and that I didn't get home until midnight.

I enjoyed the fact that there was a reason to stay up so late on a "school" night.

I had a blast on this date. The guy is a good friend of mine and though we've known and seen and talked to each other a lot through the years, this was the only time we've actually been on a date.

And it was nice. A really nice date.

I want another one. Whether it's with this guy or someone else, I want to date again. I used to do it all the time. I found an old calendar of mine the other day. It was a wall calendar that I had in high school. There was the word "date" almost every weekend, sometimes twice a weekend.

I have lost total confidence in myself. I don't put myself "out there" at all any more because frankly, why would anyone want to date a fatty. I know that's harsh, but I've felt that way, continue to feel that way and will probably always feel that way.

I think I feel that way because I haven't dated. This date I had this week was the first one in about two years, and it happened because I asked the guy out. The several that were prior to this were all blind dates. I haven't been asked out by someone because they want to be with me since close to high school. Most dates were set up by someone who knew someone who thought we'd be perfect together.

I enjoy blind dates. I like to meet new people.

But I wanna date. I wanna just be myself and know that the guy I'm with is choosing to be with me. Me. Tara.

I REALLY need to get back on that treadmill...

Migraines

Hiya.

Yes, I AM alive and I AM a dork for shirking my writing duties. It's been quite a month.

But without boring you with all the minor details (look at my Facebook posts if you are really wondering), I wanna talk about migraines.

I have been getting migraines for about a solid 15 years or so. I get them when the weather is yucky outside (barometric issues), I get them because I'm a girl (oh joy), I get them whenever I cry a lot (thankfully that's not too often these days) and I get them when I have any kind of stress. It all lands in my head.

I have tried every migraine medication there is. I've had an MRI. I've seen a neurologist. I've had acupuncture. I've had my eyes looked at. I've talked to my OB/GYN to help with the female ones (and as a result have been on, of all things, birth control for the past 6-7 years). I've gone to a chiropractor and have tried taking Magnesium. I've discussed them with my family doctor who has got me on a muscle relaxer that I take every night to help the muscles relax in my brain (my worst migraines are when I wake up with them and for the most part, this has helped the most). I've learned what foods trigger my migraines and have completely cut them out of my diet (bananas [didn't like those anyway] and avocados [sob, I LOVE guacamole]). I've stuck my feet in really hot water, hoping to pull the blood away from my brain (my friend does this and swears by it - it made sense to me and I was REALLY hoping it was gonna work).

I just get 'em and there isn't a hard and fast cure/fix for them. The only thing that "helps" is a really dark and cold room and sleep. All so convenient (NOT).

My mom said my Grandma Nelson got migraines that would put her out for three days. Mom said when they came on, Grandma went into her bedroom, locked the door and no one could talk to her until she emerged.

It's hereditary apparently.

I am getting a procedure done today at my OB/GYN that I hope will help somewhat. It's another form of birth control but it doesn't involve taking pills and putting a bunch of hormones in my body and it doesn't involve any kind of surgery. I was ready to get a hysterectomy if that's what it took to fix the problem, but my wonderful doctor knew I wasn't ready for something so permanent, so he found another solution. I hope and pray this is what I've been waiting for.

Anyway, THANK YOU TO EVERYONE who shares their concerns for me and have lots of suggestions and fixes. I appreciate them more than you can ever know and have tried just about anything new that was suggested to me.

I don't want anyone to feel like I'm not doing my part to get these fixed. It's all I've done for 15 years and will continue to do so as long as there is something new to try.

Love to you all and may you have a lovely and wonderful and migraine-free Thanksgiving!

Whippy!

I am a friend of the owner of Whippy Cake (yes, I AM name dropping here). Her loveliness is named Becki Crosby and she is one of the most talented people I have the pleasure of knowing.

I also know Jen Christensen. She is one of my dearest of dear friends who, 11 years ago, suffered from breast cancer. Jen is only one year older than me and that fact alone terrified me. Breast cancer is not selective. It will knock down anyone and everyone. No one is safe.

Back to Becki. Becki makes really fun things that she showcases on her Whippy Cake website. She did a special item for breast cancer awareness month and is donating 20% of her proceeds to Jen's cancer campaign.

Please buy. Little girls (and frankly big girls) love these things and it supports two girls that I love dearly. Thank you.

NOW BUY: http://whippycake.com/blog/2011/10/save-the-tatas-coming-soon/

Up!

I got weighed last night and I was UP 0.4 pounds. I have no idea how it happened, but I continue being told over and over there will always be ups as well as downs and to not get discouraged. Easier said than done, but I AM trying.

I had a doc's appointment this morning and he was pleased to see I had lost 11 pounds since the last time I saw him. When I mentioned the frustration of the SLOWNESS of losing weight, he told me I was doing it right and to only expect 1-2 pounds per MONTH. I'm hoping not that little, but it did make me feel better.

Feeling all kinds of sleeps today. Not sure why, but I can't wait to go to bed tonight. Yes, I am all kinds of a party animal on this Friday.

Loves and hugs and smiles to you all...

PS: Have you heard of the "I'm a Mormon" campaign the Church is doing? Here's my profile: http://mormon.org/me/6GMN/

Pathetic!

1.2 more pounds down equaling 12.2. It's funny to me how important that .2 is. 12.2 is SO MUCH BETTER than just 12 pounds. I'm getting weighed tomorrow and will return and report.

Now on to my pathetic-ness. In my personal prayers, I have been praying for the strength and desire and desire and desire to get my big bum moving - like in an exercise fashion. I have a treadmill that I purchased, oh, 18 months or so ago, and it sits in my music room, mocking me and teasing "my" kids to play on it and do naughty things to it to render it useless to me.

Ah, but this treadmill is tough and has survived, though it still enjoys mocking me by just staring and staring and staring at me as I watch my TV shows at night in my comfy chair.

Okay, so I gave in to said treadmill yesterday morning, when I found myself wide awake at 4:30 a.m., without the ability to go back to sleep, though I still had about an hour and a half before I REALLY had to be awake. This has happened before (I'm an early-to-bedder and when my body has had enough sleep, well, it likes to wake up) and when it has, I just pull my trusty phone onto my pillow and I look/answer emails, look at all the new Twitter and Facebook posts that have happened overnight, turn on my TV to watch the morning news, all kinds of slackering.

ANYWAY, I actually got my big booty outta that comfy bed of mine (it really is comfy, marry me and you can find out how much) and marched myself right on to that treadmill. I turned my iTunes up way loud and walked to those bee-bopping beats for a solid 20 minutes.

That's really not a whole lot for those of you who exercise with the best of them, but considering I haven't exercised in a right long time, and even when I did prior, I didn't do it long enough to stick, so honestly it's been YEARS since I've seriously exercised.

I hate sweating. Always have.

Anyway, I felt pretty good and got an early start getting ready and felt jazzed for most of the day yesterday, until the muscle aches and pains started.

Today I can hardly move. Every time I get up from my desk, I have to take a few tentative steps before I work out the kinks and the pains I'm feeling is very visible on my face.

I'm PATHETIC. I'm not being too hard on myself this time. I know I tend to do that, but this is just pathetic and I need to busta move.

If only I could walk to do so...

Woops!

Ruh roh.

I've been forgetting to blog.

It's an honest mistake. I genuinely just forgot.

I guess it's 'cause I'm not Donna Downer right now. I dunno why. I'm just good. And happy. And my FAVORITE holiday of the year is right around the corner. And a good majority of my family is coming for said holiday. THANKSGIVING! A food lover's paradise!

Um, oh, speaking of which, I lost 2.2 pounds last week. I'm down 11 pounds again. So funny, 'cause the week before when I got weighed, I had GAINED 2.2 pounds. Crazy that it was the same number. Anxious to get weighed on Thursday. I've been good, so I hope it shows on the scale!

This last weekend I was able to go to a resort in Scottsdale/Cave Creek. I book meetings for my boss and his executive team and had booked a 2-day meeting there once. Because of that I was on a VIP list and they invited me to come and stay October 7-9, all room and food charges were covered and two 50-minute spa treatments included as well as a $200 resort credit.

Um, yes please.

So I brought my pal Jen for her birthday (happy birthday tomorrow JB) and we had a most lovely time. The weather cooperated too. We had the sliding glass doors open the entire time we were in the room, except when we slept (I'm rather paranoid and didn't like the idea of an open door that a boogey man could get us - yes, Jen did laugh at me but was very accommodating). The weather was GORGEOUS. Both of us got facials and I went one step further and got acupuncture. Jury is still out on that, though I think I would like to study up on it more and have it done again.

On Sunday we checked out of the resort and went to a random ward in Scottsdale. Fun to know that the ward we went to that we knew no one was as friendly and kind as the ward both of us go to who do know us. It was a nice service that ended the weekend on a perfect note.

That's it I 'spose. Good couple of weeks. This one seems to be doing fairly well too.

How are the rest of ya? Please share...

Reactions.

Sigh.

I knew the last couple of weeks' worth of meltdowns were gonna make me pay.

They did, in the form of gaining 2.2 pounds according to the Weight Watchers scale that I stood on last night.

But that hasn't got me down. In fact this morning one of those pounds has already left and it's all downhill (in a good way) from here on out.

It's been interesting, to say the least, how people have reacted to this new, no-holds-barred me - sharing EVERYTHING. I was pretty much that way anyway, but this little tiny issue of a chemical imbalance is one that still makes people uncomfortable. Most are cool and talk easily about it with me, and even some that I don't know that well are reading this and responding in such a lovely way (got a HUGE hug from a sweet co-worker this morning - out of the blue and nothing was said).

Then there are some people (who really surprise me) who don't seem to know how to deal with me dealing with this stuff. People I thought I was close to.

Those sting a little.

I guess I shouldn't say "I thought I was close to." I'm still close to them, just not really talking about this "stuff." I have to filter myself, or at least not let it be about me when we're visiting, which everything shouldn't be about me anyway.

I'm feeling like I'm not making much sense here. Just spewing words, frustrations and reactions... Not needing affirmations from you readers out there. Just emptying my brain of thoughts that have been building up for a while.

Happy Friday ya'll!

Bugged.

I have to say, after the post I did last night, I'm feeling awfully bugged today.

Today is my 8-year anniversary with my company, Infusionsoft. I love this place, my boss, the people, the culture, the software, the managerial team, the location - everything. Besides the owners and one other fella (hi Jeremy!), I have been here the longest. I was hoping for miles and miles and piles and piles of hugs from everyone.

Nothing. Nada. Nichts.

A few verbal congratulations. A nice email or two on Monday when it was announced it was this week. But no hugs.

I really like hugs. Yes, yes I really do.

(I know. Time to get over myself. These people ARE pretty fabo...)