Cry-ee-eye-ee-eyeing...

(Can you hear the song in your mind based on my title?  You're welcome.)

I'm a cry-er.  And not a pretty cry-er where the tears just fall nicely in large drops down one's face, waiting for my loved one's finger to gently brush it away. (Ba ha ha ha ha ha ha - does ANYONE have that happen to them?!?)

No, I'm an ugly cry-er with snot falling faster than the tears (though the tears gives the snot a good race), my eyes turn bloodshot red almost instantly, usually shoulders are bobbing up and down when I'm REALLY upset, and I cannot for the life of me just be able to stop the tears because I want to.  Once the ugly cry starts, I have to let it finish.  On it's own time.  Like it had a life of it's own.

Up to just a couple of days ago, I HATED the fact that this is what happens to me when I am frustrated or sad or angry or even touched.

To me, I always thought crying meant weakness and weakness was NOT a trait that was looked kindly upon, by myself and by others.

But I've decided when we (meaning me) cry, it's a release of emotions (good, bad, sad and all those in between).  It's healthy and ensures things aren't being bottled up too often, which, in my non-expert opinion, could really cause some damage.

Girls are lucky in the sense that if they cry, it's considered fairly normal.  When boys/men cry, they are deemed a wimp or weak.

And that's unfortunate, because it really shouldn't be that way and in my opinion, is NOT that way.

I work in a law office and today I had to call a company about an issue that I have never dealt with before.  The woman on the other end of the phone was not nice to me and out of my frustration I started bawling, but being pretty new to this office and industry, I berated myself and told myself to suck it up (thanks for that Leslie) and was actually able to stop the tears.

But shortly thereafter, I had to go to a doctor's visit.  When the doc asked me how things were going, I started crying all over again.  For no reason.  I told him as much and he was content with my explanation (he's an OB/GYN - he deals with tears all day long I suspect) and walked out of the room.

I think I wasn't really finished with the first cry and with the compassion shown on my doc's face, the rest of the tears decided they needed to fall, in all of their ugly-glory-ness.  Luckily, still being in the doc's office with the door shut, I had time to allow the ugliness to happen and then stop, with lots and lots and lots of tissues being sacrificed for my sake.

And I felt better.

And have decided I'm not going to apologize for my tears.

A sobbing Tara is a healthier Tara and you can just go cry me a river if you don't agree (and you'll be in good company if you do)...

Forgiveness.

A personal offense is like a scratch on a phonograph record. I couldn't move my thoughts beyond my pain. It kept repeating, as if I were stuck within its grooves. There was only one way to play beyond it. I had to forgive them, so my heart could take its form again.

--Laurel Lee

I had an interesting and wonderful experience yesterday that I want to share.  I was in the temple, preparing to attend the sealing of a friend of mine to her sweetheart of about 11 weeks (it's a wonderful story).  She and I have been close friends for years.

We have another "friend" in common that had done something to someone that I love years ago.  I was angry at this person for years and years and felt like I didn't need to ever care about or be seen with or protect or help or be nice to them ever again.  I felt good about this unconscious decision.  Funnily enough, the loved one that was hurt by this person has probably never given it another thought and has never brought up the offender or situation to me in all these years since.

Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.

--William Arthur Ward

Not surprising, this person was in the temple to attend this same sealing (we were both close to the bride) and because we had time (we were both quite early) we started talking.  All of my feelings of anger and hurt and pride and indignation never surfaced.  Not once.  In that moment, I realized I had missed this person and the reason why we were friends to begin with.

Forgiveness is the economy of the heart... forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits.

--Hannah More

In the middle of this person's conversation to me, I stopped them and told them I had a question for them.  They smiled at me in anticipation and the look on their face when I asked for forgiveness was of surprise and bewilderment.  I didn't tell them why I was angry at them (and they didn't ask), just letting them know that it had to do with a past situation, and that I had been harboring anger and sadness and (again) indignation towards them.  In that moment, it was all completely gone and I was crying to this person to forgive me and my pride.

May God help us to be a little kinder, showing forth greater forbearance, to be more forgiving, more willing to walk the second mile, to reach down and lift up those who may have sinned but have brought forth the fruits of repentance, to lay aside old grudges and nurture them no more.

--Gordon B. Hinckley

This person just laughed and took me in a huge hug and said I was forgiven and that they hoped I could forgive them for whatever it was I was angry about.  OF COURSE.

I'm not telling you this to say, "Well done Tara!" or "You're amazing!"  This whole scenario came out of NOWHERE.  Seriously.  I haven't been dwelling on this person or the situation at all and felt that no forgiveness was needed on my end because frankly, I was over it and over this person.

In the instant I asked for forgiveness and was granted it by this person, a weight was lifted that I had no idea I'd been carrying.  Seriously.  It was an amazing moment and I liked myself just a little bit more yesterday.

Methinks progress is being made here folks...

Why?

I recently reconnected with a friend who was tentative in asking me this question that I tend to get asked a whole lot:

Why aren't you married?

I'm 41 years old and have never been married.  I'm not ugly, though I am a bit fluffy.  I'm kind and considerate and have compassion out the wazoo.  I'm friendly and smiley and more often than not I'm a rather sunshiney person (that gagging sound was my sisters' reaction to this last statement).

What AM I not married?

I think Father has a slightly different plan for me.  I think "my" kids have needed me in a way that they couldn't have had access to if I had a family of my own.  I think I needed to learn and continue to learn how to be my true self.  I need to love (heck, I'll even settle for like) myself more before I can ever ask anyone to love me for always.  I think I needed to and continue to need to improve myself.  I didn't finish college (not even to an AA degree) and I think this on-the-job education is something that is necessary for me.

I continually need to learn the value of a dollar.

I needed to know how to work through a non-death-in-the-family hurt so big my breath was continually being sucked out (still a work in progress in this).  I needed and still need to learn how to serve unselfishly.

I also think my talking/blogging/writing about things that are usually taboo is something I would have never done with a husband/children to worry about and care for.  Being alone has me in my head A LOT and sharing my struggles and triumphs with the world (all 3 of you) has given me confidence to face the world head on.

It's given me a voice.

I want to be married.  I want to love someone as much as he loves me.  The thrills/joys/pangs/heartbreaks of motherhood has been in my heart for a very long time, which I think is why it's helped me be a good aunt to "my" kids, as well as other children who were put in my path.  I do have hope and plead with the Lord often for these blessings to be mine on this earth.

But in the meantime, I'm trying to figure out how to just be me as I am today.

And how to be happy with it...

Frustrated.

I'm frustrated.

I am working at Bethea, Gillette, Johnson and Phelps, which does estate planning and corporations for their clients. I am a paralegal, executive assistant, receptionist, office manager, etc. It's interesting work and I am learning a ton. Seriously, stuff that will help me for my future and will look and be fantastic on a resume.

But I'm not happy here. I'm not happy period. I woke up, once again, really sad this morning. No reason other than this blasted chemical imbalance that I have.

Yes, my life's circumstances always attributes to this chemical situation, but to look at it on paper, I should not be sad. I have a job that's interesting and utilizes me and my talents. My mom has been in town and will continue to be in town until June 2 (I always enjoy having her around). My brother-in-law who has been miserable in his work life for quite a while now has found a PERFECT position at Infusionsoft and will thrive like he has never thrived before. My other brother-in-law was just made a stake president. I wholeheartedly sustain him in that calling and have found that anyone I speak to about it sustains him completely as well. I have a sister who has lost over 100 pounds over the past year and is healthier than she has ever been in her entire adult life. I have another sister who has a missionary out who is turning out to be one of the best men I have ever been related to. My niece is graduating from high school next week and is going pre-med (WOW). One of my dearest friends is getting married to her sweetheart next week. At the age of 41, it's the first marriage for both of them. I AM SO HAPPY FOR HER. I myself have a house that I love, a ward that is fantastic and visiting teachers who are some of the loveliest women I could ever know.

(And yes, THAT Infusionsoft.)

My sister (Cassie) has been worried about me and my reaction to Chad (her husband) working for the company that laid me off. I'm not happy about the fact that I no longer work there, but I honestly and truly could NOT be happier for Chad to get to work at a place that I loved so very much for so many years. So Cassie, quit worrying about that.

But it doesn't change the fact that I continue to be sad about not being there myself. I truly thought I would retire from there at MY choice. My whole life has revolved around that company and its people and the thought of not being a part of it never EVER crossed my mind.

And this is the number one reason why I continue to be sad.

I need to get over it. I know I do and hope someday that I will be able to. Someone suggested I get counseling. It's a thought that I continue to visit every so often.

But I'm not ready for that yet. I keep hoping that prayer and meds and communication with those that are closest to me will talk me off this ledge that I seem to constantly be on.

I miss my happy self.  I want her back.

Update.

I guess it's time for an update. Haven't done one of these in a while. Sorry 'bout dat.

Let's see: I started a new job a week ago. I am working in a law office called Bethea, Gillette, Johnson and Phelps. I am a legal assistant (paralegal) and the executive assistant to Kent Phelps. There are only two attorneys and one other legal assistant working in the office, so it's been an adjustment going from lotsa noise to talking to myself pretty much.

It's hard work. There is SO MUCH to know and do and be in charge of and my boss is a fan of just kinda throwing me in the ring and telling me to figure it out. He's good when I need to ask him questions, but he's happier when I don't need to bother him. It's an interesting dynamic right now.

I'm on probation through the end of May. I am a contracted worker and will just get paid a set amount each week. I'll be responsible for my own taxes, benefits, etc. If I pass the "test," as of June 1 I will be an official employee and will be on salary along with health insurance benefits.

I'm happy and excited to prove myself, yet way way WAY stressed about being on trial. I do not like having that hang over my head. I understand why he's doing it - he created this position for me (he wasn't even looking to hire, but heard I was let go and wanted to meet me) so he needs to know I can do what is expected. But man alive it freaks me out.

I started a migraine in the middle of the morning today. Haven't had one of those in a while (I am getting orthodonture treatment for my TMD/TMJ issues and that has helped a TON with my migraine problem). I think the newness of this job and the unsure future with it has jacked me up a bit.

I don't deal well with the unknown.

Anyway, I'm so happy to have a job and be busy (oh so busy) and be a part of the working stiffs again. What's kinda cool and interesting is I have been contacted three more times by three different companies wanting to meet me for an interview. Two of them were in Utah (and one of those was at a resort in Park City) and one of them was at a school that I was REALLY interested in. The particular job at the school that I applied for wasn't hiring right yet, but they told me they loved my resume and if one came up (executive assistant to the principal at American Leadership Academy) they would give me a call. Same with the Park City resort - they were sad that I had already accepted another job and insisted I contact them if it should fall through.

That would be an interesting kind of stressor to deal with, don't ya think?

Happenings...

So my last post was about a meeting, not necessarily an interview. It turned into an interview and a very good one.

I met with an attorney who, along with his two partners, has a law practice that deals in business, estate and tax planning. They have Infusionsoft and they need to have someone learn it and run their business out of it. They want to build up their business, not just practicing law.

That's where I come in.

The attorney said if I were anyone other than the assistant to the CEO at specifically Infusionsoft, he wouldn't have given me the time of day. Because of where I came from and my specific abilities, he is interested.

I am meeting with him and his wife today for lunch to discuss and "pass" a second interview.

I'm excited and nervous. Excited because I will still be in the Infusionsoft world and getting to know new people, challenging myself, and working at a new place/new location. I'm nervous because it's working with people I've never worked with before (new personalities) and doing things I've never done before (working in the software - being the EA to the CEO at Infusionsoft didn't mean I worked IN the software, so there will be a learning curve here), as well as learning a new industry (the law).

I'm also nervous because, for this past week and all next week, I've been working with a team of guys who used to work with me at Infusionsoft. I love these fellas and it's been so fun being the momma bear again. It's so similar to how things were when I started at Infusionsoft. I was employee #7 there and here I'm the same - employee #7 if they were to hire me. I love the small business atmosphere and again, I love these guys. They are like brothers to me and it's a very familial environment.

But because they are a new small business, having someone like me (an executive assistant and/or office manager) is a luxury, at least initially, and my salary is not in their budget.

So we'll see. I'm excited at the prospect of working full time again. This week has been so great being on a schedule. I love my life on a schedule, so it can allow for fun spontaneity to happen. When one isn't on a schedule, it's hard to find spontaneous moments.

Anyway, I'm sorta babbling here. Just nervous/excited energy and I wanted to update my peeps.

By the way, THANK YOU for being MY peeps. I am so blessed!

Meet vs. Interview

I have a meet and greet today. It's with an attorney that Clate spoke about me to. He said he's not hiring but wanted to meet me.

What does that mean?

I'm genuinely curious. I'm treating it as an interview, but am not planning on anything coming from it.

I really don't understand it. I'm okay with it, just completely in the dark as to the point.

Thoughts?

Angry

I'm angry.

I spent the better part of the last two days applying for jobs, talking to recruiters and family and friends. I signed up for a work-at-home program. I won't do anything with it until I receive the products so I can be sure I believe in them.

I'm angry.

I was able to take this week to play catch up after being gone all last week on vacation. I was able to do my laundry and clean up my house and answer my phone and apply for more jobs.

I'm angry.

I continually think about being let go from the best company (yes, and boss) that I have ever worked for. I can't stop bawling about it.

I'm angry.

Why am I suddenly not good enough to be his assistant? Why take me away from my home away from home, where he knew I was happiest and most fulfilled? Why tell me all will work out in the end when I haven't seen anything working out yet? Why let me go so early that he is using another assistant to help him out when I could have done it and not overloaded her (who was already overloaded to begin with)? Why give me a good severance package to make me feel better about being let go, when all I wanted to do (and still do) was stay and do my job, do it well and continue working with some of the best people I've ever known?

I'm angry.

And I can't sleep.

1 Month

This week it will be one month since I lost my job and part of my family.

I've had a lot of time thinking and wondering and pondering all that has happened.

I've heard many, MANY opinions on how I was let go, the fact that I was let go after so many years, etc. and I appreciate the passion people feel towards this subject.

I've had a ton of advice on how to apply to different positions, people telling me I made too much money at Infusionsoft and need to lower my price point. I agreed with them, until I had time to realize that I'm valuable and I was not overpaid and that I deserve and work hard for any money that I make or made and saying I was overpaid is undervaluing me and my skills and abilities.

I've had a few people contact me for part-time work. I'm so grateful for the fact that they value me enough to want to pay me to help them out (which in turn helps me out), even though they aren't able to afford me full time (yet).

I've had countless emails from my dear friends and family, wanting to help me any way they possibly can. I can't believe how blessed I've been throughout the years in the people that I have met and have been able to call my friends. It's overwhelming.

I was able to go to Utah last week and visit with my family who lives there. It was nice to clear my head and enjoy the scenery and my time with family that I don't get to see enough of. It helped tremendously, because as I was driving home yesterday, I was excited to get busy and find my new family.

One month ago, my life changed. Funnily enough, when I started out 2012, a friend of mine challenged me to name a word that I wanted to dedicate to 2012. You know what word I picked?

CHANGE.

Two Weeks Later...

Yesterday was my 2-week "anniversary" of losing my job.

I've had MANY ups and downs, some on the same day, some in the same week. All fairly extreme (high of highs and low of lows).

Most of the lows are just me being sad. I'm sad to not get to go to work any more. I'm sad that I don't get to work with those that I care so much about. I'm sad my boss felt I was replaceable. I'm sad I will no longer be a part of a company that is growing and changing and making a difference in people's lives (both employees and customers).

I'm happy for the way my boss treated me all of these years. I had a wake up call of sorts yesterday when I realized how much he has truly blessed my life and I needed to thank him for that.

(My email surprised him I think.)

I'm happy for the concern and love and support that I am receiving from SO MANY PEOPLE - family, close friends, lots of employees from the company I just left, my lovely visiting teachers, my bishop, etc. I am loved. I always knew that I am loved, but it takes a personal tragedy of sorts for me to really see it. I need to work on that.

I have some things in the works. I will get to help some friends get their new business off the ground. They can't afford my regular going rate, but they can afford me on a part-time basis just to get them going. I love being able to do that. I have another possible job that will be life changing. I don't want to say much about it right now because I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch (Mom, did that saying come from you?!?).

I have always been such a TV head. Since that life altering event happened two weeks ago, I have found solace in sitting in my quiet house, the TV is turned off and I just think and ponder. I love to read but haven't picked up a book since I was let go. I'm enjoying the somewhat lack of media in my life right now.

Yes, I'm on a laptop a lot, but it's been a good change.

I posted a saying on my Facebook yesterday that has become something I plan on saying to myself several times a day:

Sometimes you have to stop worrying, wondering, and doubting. Have faith that things will work out, maybe not how you planned, but just how it's meant to be.

I have faith that I will be okay. Life is still quite up in the air right now, but I will be okay because someone, someday is gonna realize how worth it I am to make an investment in.

I. Am. Worth. It.