Meet vs. Interview

I have a meet and greet today. It's with an attorney that Clate spoke about me to. He said he's not hiring but wanted to meet me.

What does that mean?

I'm genuinely curious. I'm treating it as an interview, but am not planning on anything coming from it.

I really don't understand it. I'm okay with it, just completely in the dark as to the point.

Thoughts?

Angry

I'm angry.

I spent the better part of the last two days applying for jobs, talking to recruiters and family and friends. I signed up for a work-at-home program. I won't do anything with it until I receive the products so I can be sure I believe in them.

I'm angry.

I was able to take this week to play catch up after being gone all last week on vacation. I was able to do my laundry and clean up my house and answer my phone and apply for more jobs.

I'm angry.

I continually think about being let go from the best company (yes, and boss) that I have ever worked for. I can't stop bawling about it.

I'm angry.

Why am I suddenly not good enough to be his assistant? Why take me away from my home away from home, where he knew I was happiest and most fulfilled? Why tell me all will work out in the end when I haven't seen anything working out yet? Why let me go so early that he is using another assistant to help him out when I could have done it and not overloaded her (who was already overloaded to begin with)? Why give me a good severance package to make me feel better about being let go, when all I wanted to do (and still do) was stay and do my job, do it well and continue working with some of the best people I've ever known?

I'm angry.

And I can't sleep.

1 Month

This week it will be one month since I lost my job and part of my family.

I've had a lot of time thinking and wondering and pondering all that has happened.

I've heard many, MANY opinions on how I was let go, the fact that I was let go after so many years, etc. and I appreciate the passion people feel towards this subject.

I've had a ton of advice on how to apply to different positions, people telling me I made too much money at Infusionsoft and need to lower my price point. I agreed with them, until I had time to realize that I'm valuable and I was not overpaid and that I deserve and work hard for any money that I make or made and saying I was overpaid is undervaluing me and my skills and abilities.

I've had a few people contact me for part-time work. I'm so grateful for the fact that they value me enough to want to pay me to help them out (which in turn helps me out), even though they aren't able to afford me full time (yet).

I've had countless emails from my dear friends and family, wanting to help me any way they possibly can. I can't believe how blessed I've been throughout the years in the people that I have met and have been able to call my friends. It's overwhelming.

I was able to go to Utah last week and visit with my family who lives there. It was nice to clear my head and enjoy the scenery and my time with family that I don't get to see enough of. It helped tremendously, because as I was driving home yesterday, I was excited to get busy and find my new family.

One month ago, my life changed. Funnily enough, when I started out 2012, a friend of mine challenged me to name a word that I wanted to dedicate to 2012. You know what word I picked?

CHANGE.

Two Weeks Later...

Yesterday was my 2-week "anniversary" of losing my job.

I've had MANY ups and downs, some on the same day, some in the same week. All fairly extreme (high of highs and low of lows).

Most of the lows are just me being sad. I'm sad to not get to go to work any more. I'm sad that I don't get to work with those that I care so much about. I'm sad my boss felt I was replaceable. I'm sad I will no longer be a part of a company that is growing and changing and making a difference in people's lives (both employees and customers).

I'm happy for the way my boss treated me all of these years. I had a wake up call of sorts yesterday when I realized how much he has truly blessed my life and I needed to thank him for that.

(My email surprised him I think.)

I'm happy for the concern and love and support that I am receiving from SO MANY PEOPLE - family, close friends, lots of employees from the company I just left, my lovely visiting teachers, my bishop, etc. I am loved. I always knew that I am loved, but it takes a personal tragedy of sorts for me to really see it. I need to work on that.

I have some things in the works. I will get to help some friends get their new business off the ground. They can't afford my regular going rate, but they can afford me on a part-time basis just to get them going. I love being able to do that. I have another possible job that will be life changing. I don't want to say much about it right now because I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch (Mom, did that saying come from you?!?).

I have always been such a TV head. Since that life altering event happened two weeks ago, I have found solace in sitting in my quiet house, the TV is turned off and I just think and ponder. I love to read but haven't picked up a book since I was let go. I'm enjoying the somewhat lack of media in my life right now.

Yes, I'm on a laptop a lot, but it's been a good change.

I posted a saying on my Facebook yesterday that has become something I plan on saying to myself several times a day:

Sometimes you have to stop worrying, wondering, and doubting. Have faith that things will work out, maybe not how you planned, but just how it's meant to be.

I have faith that I will be okay. Life is still quite up in the air right now, but I will be okay because someone, someday is gonna realize how worth it I am to make an investment in.

I. Am. Worth. It.

Time, and more tears...

I'm not sure what to write today.

I feel completely disconnected from the world right now.

I got a text from my former boss this morning asking me how I was doing. I haven't cried for days and that text brought out the waterworks.

I really had it good there. This company is incredible and it's because, in large part, of this man who is leading it. It's hard not to be needed any more.

That's all. It's just hard and I need to emotionally move on, something like someone moving on after being told their partner wants a divorce. And I am trying, really and truly trying.

I just need time I 'spose. I have it. I just need to let myself utilize it...

Explanation

I am going private because I am looking for a job.

I've heard from several reliable sources that the content of my blog could very well be a detriment to me as potential employers use the Internet more and more to research potential employees.

I was initially thinking I would WANT them to read my blog because I wanted them to acquaint themselves with my writing style and my personality.

But I am also aware that the content, the mere fact that I discuss my depression issues and all things that come with it, is not always looked at in the positive light I am trying to bring to it.

I understand.

I won't be keeping it private always. I'll go back to making it public once I'm set with a new job and they know me well enough to not be "afraid" of me dealing with this.

Thoughts?

Going Private...

Please email me at LaRueski at g mail dot com if you would like to be invited to read.

Thank you.
Tara

What?!?

I need to get better at this. Sorry.

Last week, February 13-18, I had the joy and rapture of going to Maui with a lot of people from my company. We all got to bring a guest, so I brought my oldest sister Leslie. We had a ball. We stayed at a gorgeous hotel, soaked up a ton of sun, ate a lot, shopped a lot and just really enjoyed each other's company and the company of my friends at my company.

The following Monday was President's Day so it was a nice day to relax and un-vacation from the vacation.

But I was excited for Tuesday. If you know me at all, if you've read anything I've written (including posts on Facebook) you know I love my company, my boss and the job I did. I was scheduled for a performance review at 10:00 a.m. Tuesday morning. I've always loved these as they always built me up personally and professionally. I always came away from them inspired.

Tuesday morning came and 10:00 was there and I walked into my boss' office and sat down. We chit chatted for just a moment and then the words that are burned into my memory forever were said, "I am letting you go." I am crying right now as I write these words. They have continually brought tears to my eyes because they continually land in my mind. I AM LETTING YOU GO. Words I have NEVER heard from any employer, much less words I never thought possible from this employer. I'm still stunned to be quite honest.

I was the assistant to the CEO and supported him and his family administratively. He has decided to change the role of his assistant and make it more business-related instead of administrative-related. I don't have an MBA and don't have the business accumen that he needs and so it was the right decision. I honestly believe it and support him in his decision.

But oh boy, I am not happy about it. I'm not angry at all, just not happy and sorely disappointed. I'm awfully discouraged that I won't get to continue to be a part of this incredible company. It's a company that had only 6 people there when I started and as I left the office on Tuesdsay, there were 210-ish employees. I was so excited to be a part of this company's future, as the past had been so exciting / hard / great / inspiring thus far.

I have stock options in the company, so I will be a part of it's future, but only on the outside.

And that makes me sad.

But I'm surprisingly doing okay mentally wise. I haven't "slipped" into the depths of depression that have always been there before. I haven't gotten one single migraine. That's amazing in and of itself. I have a few leads and a LOT of friends looking out for me.

I'm going to be okay. I just HAVE to keep the fear out of my head and replace all negative thoughts with the faith that I have and the faith that others have in me and my abilities.

Whew.

Caveat.

I tossed and turned a bit last night after posting my blog. I feel I need to clarify some things.

I am not in a deep depression. I am sad for my friends (and lack of one), but it hasn't sunk me to levels that depression has in the past. I'm feeling really good and "up" these days and haven't felt that tug to go deep. I was (and am) just sad over these circumstances.

I am also not a private person at all. You wouldn't be reading this if you didn't know that. I don't understand (honestly and truly and sincerely) the need to keep things so private. I feel the more people know about circumstances, etc., the more people are rooting for you through whatever way that's comfortable to them (i.e., prayer, kind words, counseling, etc.). When I say I'm a big fat blabbermouth, it's because people have told me things that are sad or concerning and I would share tidbits to other concerned individuals that I feel would "help" (again in their own way) the other individual.

And from a purely selfish standpoint, some things shared with me are so sad or exciting or heartbreaking that keeping it to myself is a little detrimental. I overthink/over-obsess about everything when it stays in my head. I think I've established that here.

Not trying to excuse myself, just trying to explain my thought process.

I know it's not up to me to decide this and have had a couple of instances where it has really bitten me in the behind. I am working on it and hope and pray that those who know/love/like me still feel like I can be trusted.

I work for the CEO of our company. There are many, many things he tells me or that I see that must be kept confidential due to the nature of my job. And it's not hard. I do it all the time and in my professional career, have been doing that for well over 20 years.

I CAN AND DO KEEP CONFIDENCES. I just had to let you know. Thanks.

Loss.

Let me start this by saying I had every intention of blogging at the beginning of the year. I had a theme and was excited to share what I was thinking about and wanting to do for 2012. Then the crud came on and I have been sick for the past two weeks. Sick and whining to anyone who would listen to me. Even to those that had no choice.

I still plan on writing that blog post, but wanted to do a different one today. I usually only blog when inspiration hits me. I'll have a thought about something I wanna blog about and the words come and I can't wait to get them down. Being a sicky, there was absolutely no room in my snot-filled brain for any words of any kind other than the whining type, and maybe even some R-rated ones. I was not feeling nice or happy or sincere or pleasant or sensitive to anyone around me.

Today is Tuesday and this is already one of my more emotional weeks than I 've had in a long time. Two dear friends of mine both lost someone they love yesterday. This kept me awake for most of the night last night and had me in a semi-comatose state today.

Then another friend told me (well, instant messaged me) this morning that they didn't want to be my friend any more because I can't keep my big fat mouth shut. They felt I told too many secrets and for that reason I was not worth being a friend to any longer.

They were right. I'm not a great secret-keeper. I have reasons/excuses why I'm not, but they would sound self-serving and trite and it doesn't help matters at all. At least where this former friend is concerned.

It sounds so silly and so dramatic and when talking about it a little at lunch it sounded like I was on the playground complaining that so-and-so told so-and-so not to like me and that's not fair.

Show me in the Bible where it says life is fair.

ANYWAY,I need you to know that losing this friend was almost as much of a loss to me as my two friends who both lost a loved one due to death. I mourned this friendship all day long and shed many tears for that loss as well as my friends' loss.

Seriously, I have prayed and prayed to be sensitive to the needs of those around me. I've added that plea in prayers for years and years. As a result, the Lord has made me an ultra-sensitive person. I do feel I'm quite aware of the feelings and circumstances of those around me, but it also means my tender heart takes a beating more often than not.

I get tired of caring sometimes.

But only sometimes.