Time, and more tears...

I'm not sure what to write today.

I feel completely disconnected from the world right now.

I got a text from my former boss this morning asking me how I was doing. I haven't cried for days and that text brought out the waterworks.

I really had it good there. This company is incredible and it's because, in large part, of this man who is leading it. It's hard not to be needed any more.

That's all. It's just hard and I need to emotionally move on, something like someone moving on after being told their partner wants a divorce. And I am trying, really and truly trying.

I just need time I 'spose. I have it. I just need to let myself utilize it...

Explanation

I am going private because I am looking for a job.

I've heard from several reliable sources that the content of my blog could very well be a detriment to me as potential employers use the Internet more and more to research potential employees.

I was initially thinking I would WANT them to read my blog because I wanted them to acquaint themselves with my writing style and my personality.

But I am also aware that the content, the mere fact that I discuss my depression issues and all things that come with it, is not always looked at in the positive light I am trying to bring to it.

I understand.

I won't be keeping it private always. I'll go back to making it public once I'm set with a new job and they know me well enough to not be "afraid" of me dealing with this.

Thoughts?

Going Private...

Please email me at LaRueski at g mail dot com if you would like to be invited to read.

Thank you.
Tara

What?!?

I need to get better at this. Sorry.

Last week, February 13-18, I had the joy and rapture of going to Maui with a lot of people from my company. We all got to bring a guest, so I brought my oldest sister Leslie. We had a ball. We stayed at a gorgeous hotel, soaked up a ton of sun, ate a lot, shopped a lot and just really enjoyed each other's company and the company of my friends at my company.

The following Monday was President's Day so it was a nice day to relax and un-vacation from the vacation.

But I was excited for Tuesday. If you know me at all, if you've read anything I've written (including posts on Facebook) you know I love my company, my boss and the job I did. I was scheduled for a performance review at 10:00 a.m. Tuesday morning. I've always loved these as they always built me up personally and professionally. I always came away from them inspired.

Tuesday morning came and 10:00 was there and I walked into my boss' office and sat down. We chit chatted for just a moment and then the words that are burned into my memory forever were said, "I am letting you go." I am crying right now as I write these words. They have continually brought tears to my eyes because they continually land in my mind. I AM LETTING YOU GO. Words I have NEVER heard from any employer, much less words I never thought possible from this employer. I'm still stunned to be quite honest.

I was the assistant to the CEO and supported him and his family administratively. He has decided to change the role of his assistant and make it more business-related instead of administrative-related. I don't have an MBA and don't have the business accumen that he needs and so it was the right decision. I honestly believe it and support him in his decision.

But oh boy, I am not happy about it. I'm not angry at all, just not happy and sorely disappointed. I'm awfully discouraged that I won't get to continue to be a part of this incredible company. It's a company that had only 6 people there when I started and as I left the office on Tuesdsay, there were 210-ish employees. I was so excited to be a part of this company's future, as the past had been so exciting / hard / great / inspiring thus far.

I have stock options in the company, so I will be a part of it's future, but only on the outside.

And that makes me sad.

But I'm surprisingly doing okay mentally wise. I haven't "slipped" into the depths of depression that have always been there before. I haven't gotten one single migraine. That's amazing in and of itself. I have a few leads and a LOT of friends looking out for me.

I'm going to be okay. I just HAVE to keep the fear out of my head and replace all negative thoughts with the faith that I have and the faith that others have in me and my abilities.

Whew.

Caveat.

I tossed and turned a bit last night after posting my blog. I feel I need to clarify some things.

I am not in a deep depression. I am sad for my friends (and lack of one), but it hasn't sunk me to levels that depression has in the past. I'm feeling really good and "up" these days and haven't felt that tug to go deep. I was (and am) just sad over these circumstances.

I am also not a private person at all. You wouldn't be reading this if you didn't know that. I don't understand (honestly and truly and sincerely) the need to keep things so private. I feel the more people know about circumstances, etc., the more people are rooting for you through whatever way that's comfortable to them (i.e., prayer, kind words, counseling, etc.). When I say I'm a big fat blabbermouth, it's because people have told me things that are sad or concerning and I would share tidbits to other concerned individuals that I feel would "help" (again in their own way) the other individual.

And from a purely selfish standpoint, some things shared with me are so sad or exciting or heartbreaking that keeping it to myself is a little detrimental. I overthink/over-obsess about everything when it stays in my head. I think I've established that here.

Not trying to excuse myself, just trying to explain my thought process.

I know it's not up to me to decide this and have had a couple of instances where it has really bitten me in the behind. I am working on it and hope and pray that those who know/love/like me still feel like I can be trusted.

I work for the CEO of our company. There are many, many things he tells me or that I see that must be kept confidential due to the nature of my job. And it's not hard. I do it all the time and in my professional career, have been doing that for well over 20 years.

I CAN AND DO KEEP CONFIDENCES. I just had to let you know. Thanks.

Loss.

Let me start this by saying I had every intention of blogging at the beginning of the year. I had a theme and was excited to share what I was thinking about and wanting to do for 2012. Then the crud came on and I have been sick for the past two weeks. Sick and whining to anyone who would listen to me. Even to those that had no choice.

I still plan on writing that blog post, but wanted to do a different one today. I usually only blog when inspiration hits me. I'll have a thought about something I wanna blog about and the words come and I can't wait to get them down. Being a sicky, there was absolutely no room in my snot-filled brain for any words of any kind other than the whining type, and maybe even some R-rated ones. I was not feeling nice or happy or sincere or pleasant or sensitive to anyone around me.

Today is Tuesday and this is already one of my more emotional weeks than I 've had in a long time. Two dear friends of mine both lost someone they love yesterday. This kept me awake for most of the night last night and had me in a semi-comatose state today.

Then another friend told me (well, instant messaged me) this morning that they didn't want to be my friend any more because I can't keep my big fat mouth shut. They felt I told too many secrets and for that reason I was not worth being a friend to any longer.

They were right. I'm not a great secret-keeper. I have reasons/excuses why I'm not, but they would sound self-serving and trite and it doesn't help matters at all. At least where this former friend is concerned.

It sounds so silly and so dramatic and when talking about it a little at lunch it sounded like I was on the playground complaining that so-and-so told so-and-so not to like me and that's not fair.

Show me in the Bible where it says life is fair.

ANYWAY,I need you to know that losing this friend was almost as much of a loss to me as my two friends who both lost a loved one due to death. I mourned this friendship all day long and shed many tears for that loss as well as my friends' loss.

Seriously, I have prayed and prayed to be sensitive to the needs of those around me. I've added that plea in prayers for years and years. As a result, the Lord has made me an ultra-sensitive person. I do feel I'm quite aware of the feelings and circumstances of those around me, but it also means my tender heart takes a beating more often than not.

I get tired of caring sometimes.

But only sometimes.

Buggered.

K, I already did a post called Bugged, so I needed a new word.

I think I like BUGGERED a bit better, 'cause I'm feeling it a lot lately.

I'm buggered that H and J decided to divorce. I'm buggered that C seems to think I'm responsible for the craziness that he/she experiences. I'm buggered that D is angry with me. I'm buggered that J and B have lost something precious to them. I'm buggered that J doesn't seem interested in talking to me any more. I'm buggered that A never initiates contact. I'm buggered that A and L continue to experience a loss that no one can imagine. I'm buggered that M is so sarcastic on FB.

I'm buggered that I only get hits on my dating profile from 70+ year old men, men who live in Arab nations, or men that are 5'1". NO. LIE.

I'm just buggered. It means I'm bugged and sad and confused and irritated and chuckling all in one word.

Buggered.

Idle.

Not as in "American Idle" (though you would be spelling it wrong if you thought that).

As in TIME TO STOP BEING Idle.

Last week's date has REALLY got me to thinking. How can I expect the Lord to send me "my" guy when I'm not willing to do anything to put myself out there? Being 41, LDS and single is not the easiest market to put myself in, yet there are avenues that I have, up to this point, been completely unwilling to travel.

Time to go on a trip.

I purchased a 6-month membership to www.ldssingles.com on Saturday and have signed up for a free membership to www.ldsplanet.com yesterday. I'm not sure what will happen, but I NEED to do my part to TRY to make SOMETHING happen.

I'm uncomfortable doing this. These online things seem to be all about appearances - am I cute enough to warrant a "flirt" or is he handsome enough for me to "smile" at. That's so not me in any way, shape or form.

So I admit I'm rather skeptical at this path, yet I KNOW there are many, MANY success stories of those who have gone this direction (along with the success stories I've also heard many horror stories - trying to go positive here). But I'm doing it with an open mind and heart, and a LOT of prayer.

I just wanna date and learn to socialize again. Please pray that I find that ability (and maybe a "he" in the process)...

Date.

I miss dating. I miss the butterflies in the tummy wondering if this guy could possibly be fun enough to warrant another date. I miss having a purpose to get a little "readier" than normal.

I had a date on Wednesday night. I thoroughly enjoyed having the car door opened for me by a very good-smelling man.

I enjoyed the conversation to and from our party that we went to.

I enjoyed having a person there who was there to be with me. We played games and shot baskets and shot down pirates (the date was at Dave and Busters), all together. I wasn't ever left alone.

I enjoyed the fact that the conversation that started in the car continued long after we pulled back up to his house and that I didn't get home until midnight.

I enjoyed the fact that there was a reason to stay up so late on a "school" night.

I had a blast on this date. The guy is a good friend of mine and though we've known and seen and talked to each other a lot through the years, this was the only time we've actually been on a date.

And it was nice. A really nice date.

I want another one. Whether it's with this guy or someone else, I want to date again. I used to do it all the time. I found an old calendar of mine the other day. It was a wall calendar that I had in high school. There was the word "date" almost every weekend, sometimes twice a weekend.

I have lost total confidence in myself. I don't put myself "out there" at all any more because frankly, why would anyone want to date a fatty. I know that's harsh, but I've felt that way, continue to feel that way and will probably always feel that way.

I think I feel that way because I haven't dated. This date I had this week was the first one in about two years, and it happened because I asked the guy out. The several that were prior to this were all blind dates. I haven't been asked out by someone because they want to be with me since close to high school. Most dates were set up by someone who knew someone who thought we'd be perfect together.

I enjoy blind dates. I like to meet new people.

But I wanna date. I wanna just be myself and know that the guy I'm with is choosing to be with me. Me. Tara.

I REALLY need to get back on that treadmill...

Migraines

Hiya.

Yes, I AM alive and I AM a dork for shirking my writing duties. It's been quite a month.

But without boring you with all the minor details (look at my Facebook posts if you are really wondering), I wanna talk about migraines.

I have been getting migraines for about a solid 15 years or so. I get them when the weather is yucky outside (barometric issues), I get them because I'm a girl (oh joy), I get them whenever I cry a lot (thankfully that's not too often these days) and I get them when I have any kind of stress. It all lands in my head.

I have tried every migraine medication there is. I've had an MRI. I've seen a neurologist. I've had acupuncture. I've had my eyes looked at. I've talked to my OB/GYN to help with the female ones (and as a result have been on, of all things, birth control for the past 6-7 years). I've gone to a chiropractor and have tried taking Magnesium. I've discussed them with my family doctor who has got me on a muscle relaxer that I take every night to help the muscles relax in my brain (my worst migraines are when I wake up with them and for the most part, this has helped the most). I've learned what foods trigger my migraines and have completely cut them out of my diet (bananas [didn't like those anyway] and avocados [sob, I LOVE guacamole]). I've stuck my feet in really hot water, hoping to pull the blood away from my brain (my friend does this and swears by it - it made sense to me and I was REALLY hoping it was gonna work).

I just get 'em and there isn't a hard and fast cure/fix for them. The only thing that "helps" is a really dark and cold room and sleep. All so convenient (NOT).

My mom said my Grandma Nelson got migraines that would put her out for three days. Mom said when they came on, Grandma went into her bedroom, locked the door and no one could talk to her until she emerged.

It's hereditary apparently.

I am getting a procedure done today at my OB/GYN that I hope will help somewhat. It's another form of birth control but it doesn't involve taking pills and putting a bunch of hormones in my body and it doesn't involve any kind of surgery. I was ready to get a hysterectomy if that's what it took to fix the problem, but my wonderful doctor knew I wasn't ready for something so permanent, so he found another solution. I hope and pray this is what I've been waiting for.

Anyway, THANK YOU TO EVERYONE who shares their concerns for me and have lots of suggestions and fixes. I appreciate them more than you can ever know and have tried just about anything new that was suggested to me.

I don't want anyone to feel like I'm not doing my part to get these fixed. It's all I've done for 15 years and will continue to do so as long as there is something new to try.

Love to you all and may you have a lovely and wonderful and migraine-free Thanksgiving!