I love my husband. I love him so much - it's a kind of love that I could have never imagined and I am so incredibly grateful that I am blessed to experience it from him as well.
One of the things I love most about him is his insatiable desire for knowledge. There isn't a subject that he finds boring. He loves to look things up on YouTube, the scriptures, Facebook, and the Internet in general.
Today is Sunday - we didn't bring Church clothes with us to Albuquerque, so we decided to once again lay low. We had our free breakfast here in the hotel and then stayed in our room for the entire day, just keeping it low key. At one point I looked up and he was intently studying something.
I believe he was looking at homes that were built out of those large metal shipping containers. He is always, ALWAYS looking, researching, pondering, praying, studying, etc., and his brain keeps things locked in there so he remembers EVERYTHING.
I love this man with all my heart, body and soul and am incredibly grateful for his intelligence and curiosity.
He makes me feel completely and wholly safe.
Happy Sunday everyone.
Sunday, August 21, 2016
Saturday, August 20, 2016
Up Days.
Because yesterday was a down time day, we wanted today to be an up-and-at-em day where we went and did stuff, staying away from the hotel as long as we could. It started out great, since we get a "free" breakfast each morning for staying at this hotel (rather decent - bacon, eggs, potatoes, biscuits and gravy, of course being New Mexico there was a green chili gravy too, waffles, etc.), Jason and I went to breakfast together (he usually goes about an hour or so earlier than me because he has to leave for work), so it was awfully nice sitting together eating.
We came back to our room, looked up movies to see what is on these days and found a movie (Jason Bourne) for 10:15 a.m., which is the cheapest time to go, so SCORE on that! It was at the IMAX theater and it was a typical Bourne movie. Lots of action, violence and wiggling of the camera. Left with a headache.
We drove around a little and found Trader Joes. I was as excited to go there as a kid to Disneyland. We purchased some chips/salsa and some popcorn for our movie night tonight and left. By then we were hungry for lunch (it was around 1:30-ish).
We ate at Fuddrucker's and were so excited to find one. They have them all over here. Jason got (surprise) a burger with green chili on it and I got their chili cheese fries, which I used to get all the time at the one in Mesa off of Longmore. They were as good as I remembered them being, and they didn't cost a whole lot.
We then walked around the mall a bit, which is Jason's personal hell (though he was a great sport about it). Didn't buy anything. Got in the car and drove east to a mountainous area where SASS is located. Shocker of all shocks, it was a gun shooting range - apparently world renown. I didn't mind. It was a nice drive and I always enjoy seeing Jason get excited about anything (he's so mellow usually).
We decided to come back to the hotel. It was 5:00 and time for our free mocktail - orange and pineapple juices and grenadine syrup. I can't drink them, so Jason got his and I did another load of laundry and he went into the hot tub.
We are now back in our room, freshly bathed and in our jammies and are getting ready to watch a movie of some sort. We haven't settled on one yet, but will soon enough.
Yet another great day together with my favorite fella and hardly any $$ spent. Success!
We came back to our room, looked up movies to see what is on these days and found a movie (Jason Bourne) for 10:15 a.m., which is the cheapest time to go, so SCORE on that! It was at the IMAX theater and it was a typical Bourne movie. Lots of action, violence and wiggling of the camera. Left with a headache.
We drove around a little and found Trader Joes. I was as excited to go there as a kid to Disneyland. We purchased some chips/salsa and some popcorn for our movie night tonight and left. By then we were hungry for lunch (it was around 1:30-ish).
We ate at Fuddrucker's and were so excited to find one. They have them all over here. Jason got (surprise) a burger with green chili on it and I got their chili cheese fries, which I used to get all the time at the one in Mesa off of Longmore. They were as good as I remembered them being, and they didn't cost a whole lot.
We then walked around the mall a bit, which is Jason's personal hell (though he was a great sport about it). Didn't buy anything. Got in the car and drove east to a mountainous area where SASS is located. Shocker of all shocks, it was a gun shooting range - apparently world renown. I didn't mind. It was a nice drive and I always enjoy seeing Jason get excited about anything (he's so mellow usually).
We decided to come back to the hotel. It was 5:00 and time for our free mocktail - orange and pineapple juices and grenadine syrup. I can't drink them, so Jason got his and I did another load of laundry and he went into the hot tub.
We are now back in our room, freshly bathed and in our jammies and are getting ready to watch a movie of some sort. We haven't settled on one yet, but will soon enough.
Yet another great day together with my favorite fella and hardly any $$ spent. Success!
Friday, August 19, 2016
Down Days.
Ever had down days? If not, I encourage them greatly.
I don't mean down like being depressed and down. I mean days that I used to call lazy days, but instead now refer to them as down days.
Today was one of those days.
Jason and I have been in Albuquerque, NM for a laboratory installation job since August 9, and we will be here until August 24. He has worked six days a week since we've been here. Today is a Friday and there isn't anything else to do on the job until Monday when more parts come, so today I encouraged him to do a down day.
He was able to get a lot of things done, both professionally and personally. He got a bunch of quotes worked on, answered emails, took a soak in the hot tub then went swimming with me, and then we both took a nap - a gloriously long nap. After we woke, he went back to looking at You-Tube videos (something he loves to do and you would be amazed [or bored] out of your mind at what he finds to be entertainment). I made sandwiches for dinner (we have a fridge and microwave in our hotel room) and he's back in the hot tub.
A perfectly perfect down day that recharges batteries, loosens up achy backs, gives us a good dosage of Vitamin D and just a day spent together. Not a whole lot of talking, just laying low for the day with each other
If you haven't tried it I could not recommend it enough.
Today was a great day.
I don't mean down like being depressed and down. I mean days that I used to call lazy days, but instead now refer to them as down days.
Today was one of those days.
Jason and I have been in Albuquerque, NM for a laboratory installation job since August 9, and we will be here until August 24. He has worked six days a week since we've been here. Today is a Friday and there isn't anything else to do on the job until Monday when more parts come, so today I encouraged him to do a down day.
He was able to get a lot of things done, both professionally and personally. He got a bunch of quotes worked on, answered emails, took a soak in the hot tub then went swimming with me, and then we both took a nap - a gloriously long nap. After we woke, he went back to looking at You-Tube videos (something he loves to do and you would be amazed [or bored] out of your mind at what he finds to be entertainment). I made sandwiches for dinner (we have a fridge and microwave in our hotel room) and he's back in the hot tub.
A perfectly perfect down day that recharges batteries, loosens up achy backs, gives us a good dosage of Vitamin D and just a day spent together. Not a whole lot of talking, just laying low for the day with each other
If you haven't tried it I could not recommend it enough.
Today was a great day.
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
Words.
Words are an incredible thing. Words that are said, thought, implied, received, etc. are powerful and can do so much damage and/or so much uplifting.
We never know what kind of day a person is having - even if on the surface they seem to be "fine" we really don't know that.
A favorite quote of mine I believe attributed to Marjorie P. Hinckley says, "You can love anybody once you know their story." I firmly believe this and all it takes are words to get to know somebody.
At work I once did an exercise where we had to write down what we thought people would say at our funerals, since that's usually (sadly) the time when all the niceties come out. I thought it was also a great way to build our own selves up by thinking about what others see in us. It's also a wake up call to work on things that put people off.
The words I think of for myself (and please know I'm not fishing for anything from you specifically) are some good, some not-so-good:
I personally don't like thinking people are annoyed with me, yet I have no doubt, NO DOUBT WHATSOEVER that they are and probably often. I appreciate the fact that most of them don't tell me how annoying I get to be. I am fairly self-aware and recognize when I am dumb, annoying, obnoxious, etc. It's almost like an out-of-body experience when I am that way because I know better and I think my true nature is not that way.
I dunno - maybe you disagree.
I am working on being more aware of others and their needs. I've always been fairly sensitive to those around me (it's something I pray for every night, actually), but I also let myself get in the way, which in turn has people annoyed or angry with me. And while I shouldn't care too much about what others think of me, I DO CARE and it's important to me to bring more joy/happiness/kindness to the world around me. If it's something I can do, then I wanna do it.
And now I probably sound awfully full of myself. Sorry, though not sorry. It's who I am.
I think.
We never know what kind of day a person is having - even if on the surface they seem to be "fine" we really don't know that.
A favorite quote of mine I believe attributed to Marjorie P. Hinckley says, "You can love anybody once you know their story." I firmly believe this and all it takes are words to get to know somebody.
At work I once did an exercise where we had to write down what we thought people would say at our funerals, since that's usually (sadly) the time when all the niceties come out. I thought it was also a great way to build our own selves up by thinking about what others see in us. It's also a wake up call to work on things that put people off.
The words I think of for myself (and please know I'm not fishing for anything from you specifically) are some good, some not-so-good:
- Smiley
- Annoying
- Kind
- Selfish
- One-sighted
- Complainer-y
- Friendly
- Sensitive
- Good
- Loved
- Snotty
- Singer
- Happy
- Sad
- Rule Abider
- Depressed
- Joyful...
I personally don't like thinking people are annoyed with me, yet I have no doubt, NO DOUBT WHATSOEVER that they are and probably often. I appreciate the fact that most of them don't tell me how annoying I get to be. I am fairly self-aware and recognize when I am dumb, annoying, obnoxious, etc. It's almost like an out-of-body experience when I am that way because I know better and I think my true nature is not that way.
I dunno - maybe you disagree.
I am working on being more aware of others and their needs. I've always been fairly sensitive to those around me (it's something I pray for every night, actually), but I also let myself get in the way, which in turn has people annoyed or angry with me. And while I shouldn't care too much about what others think of me, I DO CARE and it's important to me to bring more joy/happiness/kindness to the world around me. If it's something I can do, then I wanna do it.
And now I probably sound awfully full of myself. Sorry, though not sorry. It's who I am.
I think.
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
I'm baaaaaaaack...
Hi there. Remember me? Tara? The Depressed Diva you all so adoringly put up with?
I went back and read every single post that I've done here, and I realized how much it had helped me grow and learn, and reading it again, I re-learned things that I had forgotten about. It's why I've decided to start writing again. It's so cathartic to me and it's a public journal of sorts. I hope to print it off someday and have a hard copy to reference back to.
My last post was on February 20, 2013, asking for help in finding a man. Funnily (and wonderfully) enough, I met someone on ldsplanet.com (he sent me the first note) on March 20, 2013. His name is Jason Stradling and we both went to Mesa High School, graduating just a year apart, though we didn't know each other.
We dated "virtually" for a solid month via Skype; met in person for the first time on his birthday, April 19, 2013; got engaged on Memorial Day weekend (specifically May 24, 2013); was married civilly by my brother-in-law Ron Derrick on August 29, 2013; and we were sealed for eternity by my former stake president and current Mesa, AZ Temple President (and good friend of my dad's) Brent Hatch on November 28, 2014.
Needless to say, 2012 was by far the worst year I have ever, EVER had - that ANYONE should ever, EVER have, yet Heavenly Father made it up to me by giving me the best year ever in 2013. My husband is the best person for this girl and I am so grateful He (Father) made me wait until I was ready for my Jason.
Skip ahead a few years and unfortunately, the depression and anxiety got worse in 2015, so much so that I had to go on FMLA leave and eventually leave my job at Central Utah Clinic (now Revere Health) because I was so mentally sick I couldn't function properly at my job.
I now help Jason with the many things he does: he installs laboratory furniture; he does handyman work; he wrote a how-to guide on making covert mantels and sells the plans on eBay; and he makes marble runs (see videos). I help him (occasionally and barely) with some of the jobs, but mostly I help by doing the administrative things for him, as well as be a housewife. I have never, in all my days, thought I would enjoy being a housewife, but I like having Jason come home to a clean house with dinner in the oven. I like having someone to take care of.
Tears still come at the most random times, but I have been seeing a counselor, meeting with my bishop as well as seeing a psychiatrist who has got me on a few different types of pills that seem to smooth out my chemistry to the point of functioning fairly well on a regular basis.
I am still trying to find another job, but if we can swing it, I would rather work for my husband and myself than for anyone else. It's easier to be normal (my normal anyway) when I don't have to be "on" for others.
Anyway, hope all is well and wonderful. I hope to have more things to write about and have them be a bit more upbeat than what has happened in the past.
Oh, and speaking of hope - it's our word for 2016. I love that it naturally comes in so many of my sentences!
Love to all.
Tara
I went back and read every single post that I've done here, and I realized how much it had helped me grow and learn, and reading it again, I re-learned things that I had forgotten about. It's why I've decided to start writing again. It's so cathartic to me and it's a public journal of sorts. I hope to print it off someday and have a hard copy to reference back to.
My last post was on February 20, 2013, asking for help in finding a man. Funnily (and wonderfully) enough, I met someone on ldsplanet.com (he sent me the first note) on March 20, 2013. His name is Jason Stradling and we both went to Mesa High School, graduating just a year apart, though we didn't know each other.
We dated "virtually" for a solid month via Skype; met in person for the first time on his birthday, April 19, 2013; got engaged on Memorial Day weekend (specifically May 24, 2013); was married civilly by my brother-in-law Ron Derrick on August 29, 2013; and we were sealed for eternity by my former stake president and current Mesa, AZ Temple President (and good friend of my dad's) Brent Hatch on November 28, 2014.
Needless to say, 2012 was by far the worst year I have ever, EVER had - that ANYONE should ever, EVER have, yet Heavenly Father made it up to me by giving me the best year ever in 2013. My husband is the best person for this girl and I am so grateful He (Father) made me wait until I was ready for my Jason.
Skip ahead a few years and unfortunately, the depression and anxiety got worse in 2015, so much so that I had to go on FMLA leave and eventually leave my job at Central Utah Clinic (now Revere Health) because I was so mentally sick I couldn't function properly at my job.
I now help Jason with the many things he does: he installs laboratory furniture; he does handyman work; he wrote a how-to guide on making covert mantels and sells the plans on eBay; and he makes marble runs (see videos). I help him (occasionally and barely) with some of the jobs, but mostly I help by doing the administrative things for him, as well as be a housewife. I have never, in all my days, thought I would enjoy being a housewife, but I like having Jason come home to a clean house with dinner in the oven. I like having someone to take care of.
Tears still come at the most random times, but I have been seeing a counselor, meeting with my bishop as well as seeing a psychiatrist who has got me on a few different types of pills that seem to smooth out my chemistry to the point of functioning fairly well on a regular basis.
I am still trying to find another job, but if we can swing it, I would rather work for my husband and myself than for anyone else. It's easier to be normal (my normal anyway) when I don't have to be "on" for others.
Anyway, hope all is well and wonderful. I hope to have more things to write about and have them be a bit more upbeat than what has happened in the past.
Oh, and speaking of hope - it's our word for 2016. I love that it naturally comes in so many of my sentences!
Love to all.
Tara
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Help.
I have decided that 2013 is the year that I will be getting married.
I am working on improving myself so I can be someone that someone else wants forever.
But I need your help because it's obvious that I am unable to do this alone.
I need my friends and family to look around and put me in someone's path, or him in mine. I would like to be set up with someone who has high morals, is a good person, doesn't have a woe-is-me attitude and who has a job. The one physical attribute that seems to be pretty important to me is that he be taller than me (I'm 5'9), even if it's 1/2 inch.
I'm dead serious.
Please consider me when talking to or meeting a man who is single and looking.
I want to meet him.
My cell number is 480.734.5894 and my email address is LaRueski at GMail dot com.
Please send him my way.
I am not desperate. I am determined. And putting it out there will hopefully help my cause.
I love you all. And thank you.
I am working on improving myself so I can be someone that someone else wants forever.
But I need your help because it's obvious that I am unable to do this alone.
I need my friends and family to look around and put me in someone's path, or him in mine. I would like to be set up with someone who has high morals, is a good person, doesn't have a woe-is-me attitude and who has a job. The one physical attribute that seems to be pretty important to me is that he be taller than me (I'm 5'9), even if it's 1/2 inch.
I'm dead serious.
Please consider me when talking to or meeting a man who is single and looking.
I want to meet him.
My cell number is 480.734.5894 and my email address is LaRueski at GMail dot com.
Please send him my way.
I am not desperate. I am determined. And putting it out there will hopefully help my cause.
I love you all. And thank you.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
2012
Wow. It's been three months since I last posted. That was not intentional.
And given that it's December 23, almost the end of this bah humbug time of my life, I thought it appropriate for this to be my last post of the year...
A friend of mine challenged me to adopt a theme word for the year. It's something I have never done before, but she did it every year and it sounded like a good idea - something to achieve in everything I did.
I chose the word Change. Wholly smokes did I not have a single clue as to how "perfect" that word was for Tara's 2012.
It started with me getting let go from my employment - this was (and continues to be) a place that I was happiest, next to being with my family. That says a lot because I love my family fiercely and would be okay spending the rest of my life near to them.
My boss felt it was time for me to go and let me go with a hug and plenty of tears (mine, of course) and a rather generous severance package.
The severance package enabled me to build up some savings as I was able to get a temporary job with a law office at the beginning of April. The pay was less, but I was working and learning new things and it was nice to be in an office again with some pretty terrific people. I met a friend there who I believe will be a life long friend, so for that, I will be forever grateful.
While working at the law office, I met a fella. Actually I re-met a fella. We were in the same seminary class together way back when. He re-introduced himself to me through Facebook, eventually asked me out on a date, and it was like/interest/eventual love at almost first glance. He shared very personal things with me that would scare many women. It probably should have scared me, but it didn't. I felt with the atonement and our friendship and love, we would thrive as a couple. He felt the same way and three weeks later he proposed and I accepted.
This is the first and only time I have ever been engaged. I loved every second of it...
...Until he decided I had too many issues to deal with that he didn't feel would work in a marriage, or at least a marriage to him. I'm really not trying to place or lay blame here, but ultimately it was him who called off the wedding, returned my ring to me (along with the cost of it) as well as give me back the truck we purchased together (though in my name).
That was one of the lowest points of my life, and especially this year - going from the highest of highs and planning a life WITH someone, to the lowest of lows, being rejected by someone who frankly had more issues than I did. It was not a good time.
And the hard times kept coming, when my boss pulled me in and told me he could hire an attorney (fresh out of law school) for the same salary he was paying me. This new attorney could do what I was doing as well as do legal stuff that I couldn't. So he gave me until the end of October to find another job. He moved me to hourly pay to allow me to come and go as I pleased, paying my health insurance through the end of October. I was done working full time for him when the first week of September ended. The blessing in all of this was the fact that I had a little savings because of the severance pay from Infusionsoft.
I worked and searched on my computer every day, filling out application after application, sending my resumes everywhere I could. I just wasn't getting feedback and I was frustrated because when people did take a moment to talk to me, they told me my talents and capabilities were extraordinary, but I was too expensive, so much so it wasn't even worth it to people to call me in to an interview.
My spirits were low. Really low. And during this time I got a strong impression that I needed to look for jobs in Utah. I didn't WANT to move to Utah. I had my own house that I loved, my sister and her family who were MY family, a great ward family, etc. My life was in Arizona. I had no problem with Utah as my mom and a couple of sisters, as well as aunts and uncles and cousins live in Utah, but it wasn't home and I wasn't interested.
But the feeling kept coming and interesting jobs were being shown to me through indeed.com - more interesting than any I have been seeing in Arizona. So I started applying. And I got a couple of phone calls out of it and even one interview, which turned out to be more of a pre-interview - they weren't ready to hire for the position I applied for (weird, I know) but felt I was exactly who they were looking for when the time came.
So I made it back to Arizona and kept on applying. I got an email from someone at the very end of September. She was the Director of Human Resources for Central Utah Clinic. They had recently hired a new C.O.O. who asked to have an assistant. She was curious why I applied because I lived in Arizona and I told her I felt like I needed to be there. She liked my answers and asked if I could make a trip to Utah for an in-person interview. I made it happen (if you've ever listened to my voicemail - both at work and on my cell - you know I live by that rule - I make it happen) and was able to fly to Utah on conference Saturday (October 6), had an interview on Monday, October 8, and was hired on Wednesday afternoon, October 10. My start date was Monday, October 29.
I had very little time to list my house, de-junk my house, pack up my house, figure out a way to truck my house to a different state (including my piano), and turn off everything I could (cable, other services, etc.) and drive up to Utah. There was a blessing in the (stupid) truck. I still had it and it made the drive up a whole lot easier. And when I eventually listed it here, I had a ton of calls on it and eventually was able to sell it (for about $1,000 less than what I purchased it for) and get it off my personal books and out of my life for good. It was the last "nail in the coffin" of my engagement. It was closure.
Off the subject for a sec - I now realize why it's taken me so long to recount everything - I am royally depressed right now remembering everything and putting it down. With this said, I hope this to be cathartic and freeing to me. Hmm, we'll see...
Anyway, once the truck was sold, I needed my little car, which was left at my house in AZ. I had enough Southwest points to be able to purchase a round trip ticket for $5.00, flying my nephew down for the weekend and have him drive the car back up. It was good to have that car back, though now that I'm dealing with freezing temperatures and snow and sleet, it may need to be traded in for something with a little more girth.
I started my job as Executive Assistant to the COO at Central Utah Clinic on October 29, 2012. I took a $20,000 paycut to accept this job, but I was jobless when it landed on my lap, so actually it was an increase.
Now that the savings I had from my severance are completely depleted, and making so much less, it was time to realize I could no longer afford my house payment. I couldn't wait for the "right" buyer to come along. I owed too much money on the house and where it's located, it was way out of everyone's price range. So we lowered it from $169,900 to $129,900, and I got two offers immediately. Now it's in the bank's hands to bless this short sale. I'm royally bummed that it will mess up my credit, but I'm grateful to have this chance to not be foreclosed on. Oh pray I don't get foreclosed on...
November came and went - my birthday, and Thanksgiving holidays. Being a single female with no children, Thanksgiving is so much better than Christmas and is by far my favorite holiday - Christmas doesn't even come close. I'm grateful for a month of thanksgivings because I feel thankful every day and am so pleased to be able to express it a bit more during the month of November. I also love seeing everyone else's thanksgiving expressions - usually through Facebook.
That leads us to today. Sunday, December 23. Because my mom went to AZ for her Christmas holidays, I decided to go to my sister's ward. It was nice to sit on a bench with a lot of kids who are related to me and listen to an amazing ward choir - one of the best ones I've ever heard, singing my favorite type of songs: Christmas songs. We closed the meeting singing "Silent Night" and I sang that song rather loudly, in my non-soprano voice (prolly embarrassed a niece/nephew or two) and was touched by the season.
I am going to do the same thing for 2013 as I did for 2012. I am going to assign this coming up year a theme word. A friend of mine mentioned this word casually to me on a Facebook post a few weeks ago and it struck a chord in me and I knew without a doubt it's what 2013 will be titled:
SHINE.
I'm excited to see how I will be able to make that word happen for me. Can't wait.
Merry Christmas to you my dear readers, and have a wonderful, WONDERFUL "shiny" new year. I love you.
Tara
And given that it's December 23, almost the end of this bah humbug time of my life, I thought it appropriate for this to be my last post of the year...
A friend of mine challenged me to adopt a theme word for the year. It's something I have never done before, but she did it every year and it sounded like a good idea - something to achieve in everything I did.
I chose the word Change. Wholly smokes did I not have a single clue as to how "perfect" that word was for Tara's 2012.
It started with me getting let go from my employment - this was (and continues to be) a place that I was happiest, next to being with my family. That says a lot because I love my family fiercely and would be okay spending the rest of my life near to them.
My boss felt it was time for me to go and let me go with a hug and plenty of tears (mine, of course) and a rather generous severance package.
The severance package enabled me to build up some savings as I was able to get a temporary job with a law office at the beginning of April. The pay was less, but I was working and learning new things and it was nice to be in an office again with some pretty terrific people. I met a friend there who I believe will be a life long friend, so for that, I will be forever grateful.
While working at the law office, I met a fella. Actually I re-met a fella. We were in the same seminary class together way back when. He re-introduced himself to me through Facebook, eventually asked me out on a date, and it was like/interest/eventual love at almost first glance. He shared very personal things with me that would scare many women. It probably should have scared me, but it didn't. I felt with the atonement and our friendship and love, we would thrive as a couple. He felt the same way and three weeks later he proposed and I accepted.
This is the first and only time I have ever been engaged. I loved every second of it...
...Until he decided I had too many issues to deal with that he didn't feel would work in a marriage, or at least a marriage to him. I'm really not trying to place or lay blame here, but ultimately it was him who called off the wedding, returned my ring to me (along with the cost of it) as well as give me back the truck we purchased together (though in my name).
That was one of the lowest points of my life, and especially this year - going from the highest of highs and planning a life WITH someone, to the lowest of lows, being rejected by someone who frankly had more issues than I did. It was not a good time.
And the hard times kept coming, when my boss pulled me in and told me he could hire an attorney (fresh out of law school) for the same salary he was paying me. This new attorney could do what I was doing as well as do legal stuff that I couldn't. So he gave me until the end of October to find another job. He moved me to hourly pay to allow me to come and go as I pleased, paying my health insurance through the end of October. I was done working full time for him when the first week of September ended. The blessing in all of this was the fact that I had a little savings because of the severance pay from Infusionsoft.
I worked and searched on my computer every day, filling out application after application, sending my resumes everywhere I could. I just wasn't getting feedback and I was frustrated because when people did take a moment to talk to me, they told me my talents and capabilities were extraordinary, but I was too expensive, so much so it wasn't even worth it to people to call me in to an interview.
My spirits were low. Really low. And during this time I got a strong impression that I needed to look for jobs in Utah. I didn't WANT to move to Utah. I had my own house that I loved, my sister and her family who were MY family, a great ward family, etc. My life was in Arizona. I had no problem with Utah as my mom and a couple of sisters, as well as aunts and uncles and cousins live in Utah, but it wasn't home and I wasn't interested.
But the feeling kept coming and interesting jobs were being shown to me through indeed.com - more interesting than any I have been seeing in Arizona. So I started applying. And I got a couple of phone calls out of it and even one interview, which turned out to be more of a pre-interview - they weren't ready to hire for the position I applied for (weird, I know) but felt I was exactly who they were looking for when the time came.
So I made it back to Arizona and kept on applying. I got an email from someone at the very end of September. She was the Director of Human Resources for Central Utah Clinic. They had recently hired a new C.O.O. who asked to have an assistant. She was curious why I applied because I lived in Arizona and I told her I felt like I needed to be there. She liked my answers and asked if I could make a trip to Utah for an in-person interview. I made it happen (if you've ever listened to my voicemail - both at work and on my cell - you know I live by that rule - I make it happen) and was able to fly to Utah on conference Saturday (October 6), had an interview on Monday, October 8, and was hired on Wednesday afternoon, October 10. My start date was Monday, October 29.
I had very little time to list my house, de-junk my house, pack up my house, figure out a way to truck my house to a different state (including my piano), and turn off everything I could (cable, other services, etc.) and drive up to Utah. There was a blessing in the (stupid) truck. I still had it and it made the drive up a whole lot easier. And when I eventually listed it here, I had a ton of calls on it and eventually was able to sell it (for about $1,000 less than what I purchased it for) and get it off my personal books and out of my life for good. It was the last "nail in the coffin" of my engagement. It was closure.
Off the subject for a sec - I now realize why it's taken me so long to recount everything - I am royally depressed right now remembering everything and putting it down. With this said, I hope this to be cathartic and freeing to me. Hmm, we'll see...
Anyway, once the truck was sold, I needed my little car, which was left at my house in AZ. I had enough Southwest points to be able to purchase a round trip ticket for $5.00, flying my nephew down for the weekend and have him drive the car back up. It was good to have that car back, though now that I'm dealing with freezing temperatures and snow and sleet, it may need to be traded in for something with a little more girth.
I started my job as Executive Assistant to the COO at Central Utah Clinic on October 29, 2012. I took a $20,000 paycut to accept this job, but I was jobless when it landed on my lap, so actually it was an increase.
Now that the savings I had from my severance are completely depleted, and making so much less, it was time to realize I could no longer afford my house payment. I couldn't wait for the "right" buyer to come along. I owed too much money on the house and where it's located, it was way out of everyone's price range. So we lowered it from $169,900 to $129,900, and I got two offers immediately. Now it's in the bank's hands to bless this short sale. I'm royally bummed that it will mess up my credit, but I'm grateful to have this chance to not be foreclosed on. Oh pray I don't get foreclosed on...
November came and went - my birthday, and Thanksgiving holidays. Being a single female with no children, Thanksgiving is so much better than Christmas and is by far my favorite holiday - Christmas doesn't even come close. I'm grateful for a month of thanksgivings because I feel thankful every day and am so pleased to be able to express it a bit more during the month of November. I also love seeing everyone else's thanksgiving expressions - usually through Facebook.
That leads us to today. Sunday, December 23. Because my mom went to AZ for her Christmas holidays, I decided to go to my sister's ward. It was nice to sit on a bench with a lot of kids who are related to me and listen to an amazing ward choir - one of the best ones I've ever heard, singing my favorite type of songs: Christmas songs. We closed the meeting singing "Silent Night" and I sang that song rather loudly, in my non-soprano voice (prolly embarrassed a niece/nephew or two) and was touched by the season.
I am going to do the same thing for 2013 as I did for 2012. I am going to assign this coming up year a theme word. A friend of mine mentioned this word casually to me on a Facebook post a few weeks ago and it struck a chord in me and I knew without a doubt it's what 2013 will be titled:
SHINE.
I'm excited to see how I will be able to make that word happen for me. Can't wait.
Merry Christmas to you my dear readers, and have a wonderful, WONDERFUL "shiny" new year. I love you.
Tara
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Musings.
It's been a while since I've posted. I think the reason is due to the fact that not a whole lot has been happening since I last posted and lately, as I blog, I'm nothing but a Debbie Downer.
I don't like being down.
And I don't like being in limbo.
(And my name isn't Debbie...)
I am jobless. I do a little document work for the law office I've been working at, but it's not enough to pay the bills.
I would love to work out of my home doing more of this. I enjoy typing (weird, I know, but I've always enjoyed it since I took my first typing class in 7th grade on a manual typewriter - I now type a glorious 118 wpm on a computer) and enjoy making documents look good. I'm an excellent proofreader and editor and I would love to get something going. I'm just not sure how to put the word out there and get this business started. Anyone need any help, temporary or otherwise? I work by the hour and have a very fast turnaround time.
Thoughts?
I have a truck I still need to sell. It's a great truck. It's a 2006 Nissan Titan SE king cab (black) and I've been driving it whenever I leave my home (which isn't a whole lot lately) and it's fun to drive, it's comfortable, I sit up tall and the air conditioning is fantastic (I've never had to have it full blast yet - if you know me at all, that says something) and it's just so much more fun to drive than my little car.
But I'm way upside down on my little car and I really need to keep that and sell the truck (and not have two car payments).
Any takers at all? I'm only selling it for what I owe on it - $9,700. It's a screaming deal.
I love my house. No, I LOVE MY HOME and I don't want to have to sell it. If you know of anyone who may be interested in a roommate situation, please have them contact me. I have a spare room and bathroom that I could share.
I have so many people out there who love me. It is so humbling to know how often my name has been put on the temple prayer rolls (in a few different states), and how many prayers include my well being in them. My mom, my sweet, nervous-nelly mother is on her very first cruise, and she was worried to go because she wouldn't know how worried she would need to be for me while she's gone.
She's so great. I told her to forget about me for the week because it will all be here for her to worry about when she gets back. I can't wait to hear how her trip goes...
I just want/need to clear something up: I do not have any ill feelings towards my former friend/fiance Jim. I only wish him the best of luck and happiness and hope and pray he finds what he is looking for. I am not angry at him and there is no hate in my heart towards him. I'm just grateful that I loved someone and someone loved me for a little while and look forward to being in a healthy and loving relationship some day.
K, that's about all. I hope this blog finds you well and good and happy and busy. And if you know of any kind of employment that would allow me to be the same, I'd appreciate you passing the word along.
Love you all of you!
Tara
I don't like being down.
And I don't like being in limbo.
(And my name isn't Debbie...)
I am jobless. I do a little document work for the law office I've been working at, but it's not enough to pay the bills.
I would love to work out of my home doing more of this. I enjoy typing (weird, I know, but I've always enjoyed it since I took my first typing class in 7th grade on a manual typewriter - I now type a glorious 118 wpm on a computer) and enjoy making documents look good. I'm an excellent proofreader and editor and I would love to get something going. I'm just not sure how to put the word out there and get this business started. Anyone need any help, temporary or otherwise? I work by the hour and have a very fast turnaround time.
Thoughts?
I have a truck I still need to sell. It's a great truck. It's a 2006 Nissan Titan SE king cab (black) and I've been driving it whenever I leave my home (which isn't a whole lot lately) and it's fun to drive, it's comfortable, I sit up tall and the air conditioning is fantastic (I've never had to have it full blast yet - if you know me at all, that says something) and it's just so much more fun to drive than my little car.
But I'm way upside down on my little car and I really need to keep that and sell the truck (and not have two car payments).
Any takers at all? I'm only selling it for what I owe on it - $9,700. It's a screaming deal.
I love my house. No, I LOVE MY HOME and I don't want to have to sell it. If you know of anyone who may be interested in a roommate situation, please have them contact me. I have a spare room and bathroom that I could share.
I have so many people out there who love me. It is so humbling to know how often my name has been put on the temple prayer rolls (in a few different states), and how many prayers include my well being in them. My mom, my sweet, nervous-nelly mother is on her very first cruise, and she was worried to go because she wouldn't know how worried she would need to be for me while she's gone.
She's so great. I told her to forget about me for the week because it will all be here for her to worry about when she gets back. I can't wait to hear how her trip goes...
I just want/need to clear something up: I do not have any ill feelings towards my former friend/fiance Jim. I only wish him the best of luck and happiness and hope and pray he finds what he is looking for. I am not angry at him and there is no hate in my heart towards him. I'm just grateful that I loved someone and someone loved me for a little while and look forward to being in a healthy and loving relationship some day.
K, that's about all. I hope this blog finds you well and good and happy and busy. And if you know of any kind of employment that would allow me to be the same, I'd appreciate you passing the word along.
Love you all of you!
Tara
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Woe is me.
I need to write this post. I apologize ahead of time because it will be a downer.
I've been a major downer for the past month or so and I can't seem to shake it.
In thinking about how it all started, I want to tell you my story thus far:
Back in December 2011, my boss gave me a trip for two to Maui as a Christmas present/good job done. I would be going with the rest of the President's Club winners in February. And I got to bring my sister Leslie.
Come February and the trip, it was lovely. I thoroughly enjoyed hanging with my sister and enjoying all the luxuries Maui had to offer. My only concern then was I felt my boss was a little off - at least towards me. I mentioned it several times to my sister, who told me to relax and let him relax and just enjoy being on vacation with his wife. I agreed with her, but still felt frustrated for some reason.
We got home the weekend before President's Day, so we had that Monday off to fully recoup. I was really looking forward to going back in to work on Tuesday for many reasons: one is the fact that I really did work in the best place in America and loved going to work each day. Two was the fact that it was my quarterly performance review and I always loved those - I always came away feeling built up or new goals set or things to improve on that were always said in a kind and loving way. I always enjoyed these meetings.
When I went in to that meeting that morning, I was completely caught off guard when I was told I was being let go. A lot of it had to do with the fact that the position I held was being changed, a lot of it had to do with the fact that I missed a lot of work due to migraines. He was tired of dealing with it and needed someone who he could count on.
That hurt and I ran out of there crying. Sobbing. I not only lost my job, but I lost my boss/friend and my security. I lost the thought knowing that though these migraines were debilitating, they were understood and handled kindly by those I worked for and with.
Looking back I don't blame them, but at the time it killed me.
About a month and a half later I started working for an attorney in an estate law office. He created the position for me and there was a huge learning curve. I was unhappy (I went from working with 210 employees to 3) and scared that as a 1099 employee freaking out at dealing with taxes for the first time in my life. I had a boss that was nice, but really hard to read and I was just a fish out of water.
I then got more comfortable with my surroundings, those that I worked with got more comfortable with me, found a life-long friend in the mean time and got some great advice and kindness and a good showing of friendship from my boss that endeared him to me. And things started making sense. I was enjoying what I was doing - I was understanding the process and found the whole thing really interesting and was finally in a groove, finally in a place that I enjoyed coming in to work again.
The bomb dropped again when my boss called me in one Friday afternoon and said he realized he could hire an associate attorney (i.e., one fresh out of law school) and pay him the same amount of money he was paying me - that the attorney could do what I was doing as well as legal stuff that I couldn't do. He wanted to do this right away, so he's given me until the end of October (preferably earlier) to find another job. He then wrote me a wonderful letter of recommendation that I have been using to look for another job.
Rewind a bit - in the middle of this new law job, I met and dated and got engaged to someone who I thought was my eternal companion. It was fast and furious, but also lovely and spiritual and he actually got down on one knee in front of his entire family on the day his mom married her high school sweetheart (his dad passed away about 2 years prior) and asked me to marry him. It was perfect and I was happy. So so happy.
During this engagement time, he borrowed some money from me to pay his tax bill. This was not something he asked me for. I volunteered it and felt comfortable volunteering it. I had no doubt he would pay me back. Also, when it was time to look for engagement rings, he didn't have the money to purchase one, but we found one almost immediately that was perfect. We found it, of all places, on craigslist and we both fell in love with it the moment we both saw it. Again, I volunteered to pay the cash with the idea he would pay me back as soon as he got the money. I wasn't worried. We were going to get married and what was mine was his and what was his was mine. I was grateful that I had enough severance pay from Infusionsoft to have had cash in my savings and be able to help out.
While the ring was being sized (it took a week), we went down to Benson to help his sister and her family have a 4th of July BBQ that they put on every year. They own a used car lot and have been putting this on for the town for years, and Jim had always gone down to help out. I was happy to join him this year. It was fun. We spent the morning cutting up watermelons in the pouring rain and just enjoyed the whole process. Really enjoyed his family too.
While we were running an errand, all of a sudden the van that he drove lost it's air conditioning. It stopped working completely. This is when the idea of looking into one of their used trucks came in to mind.
We found a 2006 Nissan Titan that totally fit the bill. Jim is not a small guy, but he fit into this truck perfectly, along with spare room. We knew trucks don't get the best mileage, so the initial thought was he would drive it until we got married, then I would drive it and he would drive my gas efficient Hyundai, as he did a lot more driving than I did. He loved that truck and I'll admit so did I. Especially more than a mini van.
When we went in to pull his credit and see what we were dealing with, it turned out he had/has a LOUSY credit history and his credit score was such that he couldn't get a loan. Again, Tara to the rescue. My brilliant idea was to get the loan in my name (I was fairly certain my credit scare was pretty good - turned out it was excellent) and just have Jim drive the truck, make the payments along with the insurance payments. Since the loan was in my name, he put his name and my name on the insurance to make it all legal.
Exactly one week later, we broke up due to my deceitful credit card use. I had told him I had some credit card debt in the beginning of our relationship, but he didn't recall or didn't realize how much and feels any kind of credit card debt is deceitful spending and wondered if I was even worthy of a temple recommend. He demanded I do a budget immediately (I am not used to being yelled at in any way, shape or form, especially by someone I love) and basically yelled back saying something to the effect of, "Like hell I will." He stormed out of my house and in the end, that was his ultimate reason for breaking up with me. I "refused" to do a budget.
Whatever. This left me with an engagement ring to sell, a $1,000 debt to collect from him, as well as the hope he would figure out a way to get the truck out of my name and into his so I didn't have that truck debt on my credit.
He paid the cash back almost immediately. It took me about 2 months to sell the ring, and I made $100 profit on that. Two days after selling the ring, and me continually bugging him to figure out a way to get that loan off of my credit, he responds with this (you'll love this) email:
I am not ignoring you. You asked me only to deal with Ron. My phone crashed and I lost all my contacts so I must reply to you.
After hearing your request, I went to apply for a loan. I was declined because I paid to have your ring cleaned and resized instead of paying my house payment. That dinged my credit after the tax ding.
I will be dropping the truck off this week. This will be the fasteast way for you to get your money. And you will not have to worry about waiting on me to make the payment.
I did not want this truck in the first place. We bought it for you to drive. Since I drive over 100 miles a day for work, it is costing me 200-300 dollars extra in gas. My boss is willing to loan me a car for the next month.
I cannot sell the truck because it is in your name or I would. So, let me know when you want me to drop it off. I can do it Friday night or Saturday.
I then told him I would pick up the truck that night and he no longer had access to it. I also shortly thereafter got an email from his oldest sister asking me to stop bad mouthing him on Facebook.
I have some fantastic friends - many of them male and had a couple of them offer to help me pick it up. Jim wasn't home when I did pick it up. He left the key in the tailpipe and I now have a truck for sale, a truck debt that I can't afford, and am in the process of losing my job. On top of everything else, it is monsoon season and I am stuck home a lot in a cold, dark house with an eye mask on my eyes trying not to die.
I have gotten feeling sorry for myself down to an art. I am losing this battle of my spiritual self vs. my human self. I feel overwhelmed all the time, I feel completely alone (in the decisions that must be made - not in this world) and I feel myself emotionally/mentally shutting down.
I have missed two days of work this week already due to the storms and migraines. That is two days that I will not be getting paid for as I am a 1099 employee and only get paid for the days/hours I work. This doesn't bode well with my current boss (though he has been FANTASTIC about it all) and it doesn't bode well for me looking for another job.
I'm looking both here (Arizona) and Utah. I met with a realtor to see if my house will sell. That is a toss up. It's a weird market right now. I DON'T want to sell my house and I really don't want to move to Utah - I can't stand the thought of leaving my Taralee. She is my absolute joy.
But I keep thinking it may be the key to getting financial security back, as well as starting over.
So there you go. My year 2012 all in one post. It's quite the pathetic woe-is-me blog and I am sorry for that. I am not asking for any advice or frowny faces or what can I do for you or anything of the sort. I'm just needing to write it all down so I can return to it and possibly face each thing one by one and possibly take the overwhelm out of it.
'Cause right now, I am so overwhelmed I don't even know where to begin...
I've been a major downer for the past month or so and I can't seem to shake it.
In thinking about how it all started, I want to tell you my story thus far:
Back in December 2011, my boss gave me a trip for two to Maui as a Christmas present/good job done. I would be going with the rest of the President's Club winners in February. And I got to bring my sister Leslie.
Come February and the trip, it was lovely. I thoroughly enjoyed hanging with my sister and enjoying all the luxuries Maui had to offer. My only concern then was I felt my boss was a little off - at least towards me. I mentioned it several times to my sister, who told me to relax and let him relax and just enjoy being on vacation with his wife. I agreed with her, but still felt frustrated for some reason.
We got home the weekend before President's Day, so we had that Monday off to fully recoup. I was really looking forward to going back in to work on Tuesday for many reasons: one is the fact that I really did work in the best place in America and loved going to work each day. Two was the fact that it was my quarterly performance review and I always loved those - I always came away feeling built up or new goals set or things to improve on that were always said in a kind and loving way. I always enjoyed these meetings.
When I went in to that meeting that morning, I was completely caught off guard when I was told I was being let go. A lot of it had to do with the fact that the position I held was being changed, a lot of it had to do with the fact that I missed a lot of work due to migraines. He was tired of dealing with it and needed someone who he could count on.
That hurt and I ran out of there crying. Sobbing. I not only lost my job, but I lost my boss/friend and my security. I lost the thought knowing that though these migraines were debilitating, they were understood and handled kindly by those I worked for and with.
Looking back I don't blame them, but at the time it killed me.
About a month and a half later I started working for an attorney in an estate law office. He created the position for me and there was a huge learning curve. I was unhappy (I went from working with 210 employees to 3) and scared that as a 1099 employee freaking out at dealing with taxes for the first time in my life. I had a boss that was nice, but really hard to read and I was just a fish out of water.
I then got more comfortable with my surroundings, those that I worked with got more comfortable with me, found a life-long friend in the mean time and got some great advice and kindness and a good showing of friendship from my boss that endeared him to me. And things started making sense. I was enjoying what I was doing - I was understanding the process and found the whole thing really interesting and was finally in a groove, finally in a place that I enjoyed coming in to work again.
The bomb dropped again when my boss called me in one Friday afternoon and said he realized he could hire an associate attorney (i.e., one fresh out of law school) and pay him the same amount of money he was paying me - that the attorney could do what I was doing as well as legal stuff that I couldn't do. He wanted to do this right away, so he's given me until the end of October (preferably earlier) to find another job. He then wrote me a wonderful letter of recommendation that I have been using to look for another job.
Rewind a bit - in the middle of this new law job, I met and dated and got engaged to someone who I thought was my eternal companion. It was fast and furious, but also lovely and spiritual and he actually got down on one knee in front of his entire family on the day his mom married her high school sweetheart (his dad passed away about 2 years prior) and asked me to marry him. It was perfect and I was happy. So so happy.
During this engagement time, he borrowed some money from me to pay his tax bill. This was not something he asked me for. I volunteered it and felt comfortable volunteering it. I had no doubt he would pay me back. Also, when it was time to look for engagement rings, he didn't have the money to purchase one, but we found one almost immediately that was perfect. We found it, of all places, on craigslist and we both fell in love with it the moment we both saw it. Again, I volunteered to pay the cash with the idea he would pay me back as soon as he got the money. I wasn't worried. We were going to get married and what was mine was his and what was his was mine. I was grateful that I had enough severance pay from Infusionsoft to have had cash in my savings and be able to help out.
While the ring was being sized (it took a week), we went down to Benson to help his sister and her family have a 4th of July BBQ that they put on every year. They own a used car lot and have been putting this on for the town for years, and Jim had always gone down to help out. I was happy to join him this year. It was fun. We spent the morning cutting up watermelons in the pouring rain and just enjoyed the whole process. Really enjoyed his family too.
While we were running an errand, all of a sudden the van that he drove lost it's air conditioning. It stopped working completely. This is when the idea of looking into one of their used trucks came in to mind.
We found a 2006 Nissan Titan that totally fit the bill. Jim is not a small guy, but he fit into this truck perfectly, along with spare room. We knew trucks don't get the best mileage, so the initial thought was he would drive it until we got married, then I would drive it and he would drive my gas efficient Hyundai, as he did a lot more driving than I did. He loved that truck and I'll admit so did I. Especially more than a mini van.
When we went in to pull his credit and see what we were dealing with, it turned out he had/has a LOUSY credit history and his credit score was such that he couldn't get a loan. Again, Tara to the rescue. My brilliant idea was to get the loan in my name (I was fairly certain my credit scare was pretty good - turned out it was excellent) and just have Jim drive the truck, make the payments along with the insurance payments. Since the loan was in my name, he put his name and my name on the insurance to make it all legal.
Exactly one week later, we broke up due to my deceitful credit card use. I had told him I had some credit card debt in the beginning of our relationship, but he didn't recall or didn't realize how much and feels any kind of credit card debt is deceitful spending and wondered if I was even worthy of a temple recommend. He demanded I do a budget immediately (I am not used to being yelled at in any way, shape or form, especially by someone I love) and basically yelled back saying something to the effect of, "Like hell I will." He stormed out of my house and in the end, that was his ultimate reason for breaking up with me. I "refused" to do a budget.
Whatever. This left me with an engagement ring to sell, a $1,000 debt to collect from him, as well as the hope he would figure out a way to get the truck out of my name and into his so I didn't have that truck debt on my credit.
He paid the cash back almost immediately. It took me about 2 months to sell the ring, and I made $100 profit on that. Two days after selling the ring, and me continually bugging him to figure out a way to get that loan off of my credit, he responds with this (you'll love this) email:
I am not ignoring you. You asked me only to deal with Ron. My phone crashed and I lost all my contacts so I must reply to you.
After hearing your request, I went to apply for a loan. I was declined because I paid to have your ring cleaned and resized instead of paying my house payment. That dinged my credit after the tax ding.
I will be dropping the truck off this week. This will be the fasteast way for you to get your money. And you will not have to worry about waiting on me to make the payment.
I did not want this truck in the first place. We bought it for you to drive. Since I drive over 100 miles a day for work, it is costing me 200-300 dollars extra in gas. My boss is willing to loan me a car for the next month.
I cannot sell the truck because it is in your name or I would. So, let me know when you want me to drop it off. I can do it Friday night or Saturday.
I then told him I would pick up the truck that night and he no longer had access to it. I also shortly thereafter got an email from his oldest sister asking me to stop bad mouthing him on Facebook.
I have some fantastic friends - many of them male and had a couple of them offer to help me pick it up. Jim wasn't home when I did pick it up. He left the key in the tailpipe and I now have a truck for sale, a truck debt that I can't afford, and am in the process of losing my job. On top of everything else, it is monsoon season and I am stuck home a lot in a cold, dark house with an eye mask on my eyes trying not to die.
I have gotten feeling sorry for myself down to an art. I am losing this battle of my spiritual self vs. my human self. I feel overwhelmed all the time, I feel completely alone (in the decisions that must be made - not in this world) and I feel myself emotionally/mentally shutting down.
I have missed two days of work this week already due to the storms and migraines. That is two days that I will not be getting paid for as I am a 1099 employee and only get paid for the days/hours I work. This doesn't bode well with my current boss (though he has been FANTASTIC about it all) and it doesn't bode well for me looking for another job.
I'm looking both here (Arizona) and Utah. I met with a realtor to see if my house will sell. That is a toss up. It's a weird market right now. I DON'T want to sell my house and I really don't want to move to Utah - I can't stand the thought of leaving my Taralee. She is my absolute joy.
But I keep thinking it may be the key to getting financial security back, as well as starting over.
So there you go. My year 2012 all in one post. It's quite the pathetic woe-is-me blog and I am sorry for that. I am not asking for any advice or frowny faces or what can I do for you or anything of the sort. I'm just needing to write it all down so I can return to it and possibly face each thing one by one and possibly take the overwhelm out of it.
'Cause right now, I am so overwhelmed I don't even know where to begin...
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Wishes
My mom always had this strange quote that she said to us, her daughters, often. Apparently my Grandpa Nelson is the one who said it during her childhood: "Wish in one hand. Spit in the other. See which one fills up first."
Wishes are not tangible. Spit is. I understand the message there. But wishing is so much more of a part of my life than spitting in my hand (eew, gross). There are so many things/situations I wish for these days. They are filling my head up and honestly bringing me down a bit:
Wish in one hand. Spit in the other. See which one fills up first.
Time to work on making wishes more tangible I 'spose...
Wishes are not tangible. Spit is. I understand the message there. But wishing is so much more of a part of my life than spitting in my hand (eew, gross). There are so many things/situations I wish for these days. They are filling my head up and honestly bringing me down a bit:
- I wish I was someone that an employer absolutely had to have, no matter the cost.
- I wish my dad were alive. I sure could have used and continue to use his wisdom today.
- I wish my out-of-state family lived closer to me. My family has always brought me comfort.
- I wish I could enjoy Arizona's awesome monsoon season. It hurts me too much.
- I wish I had a special someone to lean on, love, and serve.
- I wish I was able to live without money.
- I wish I could take each of my nieces/nephews on 1:1 vacations.
- I wish I didn't cry so dang much.
- I wish I had Kaylynn's metabolism.
- I wish I didn't have Tara's appetite.
- I wish for my marriageable-aged nieces/nephews to find their love and marry them for eternity sooner rather than later.
- I wish to go on an office mission and share my talents doing the Lord's work.
- I wish I wasn't in debt in order to make this happen.
- I wish I were more of a leader rather than a drifter.
- I wish I could figure out what to put on the red wall behind my TV.
- I wish I were a better visiting teacher.
- I wish I were a better friend.
- I wish I didn't like pizza so much.
- I wish I did like veggies a whole lot more.
- I wish for more good surprises in my life. Not these bad ones that seem to keep happening.
- I wish I could keep my problems in perspective - realizing people are suffering so much more than me.
- I wish I didn't have to find another job - I was just getting into a great groove at my current one.
- I wish I could travel more (other than to Utah, Colorado and California).
- I wish I were truly happy being alone.
- I wish bugs/spiders/insects didn't completely wig me out.
- I wish these damn headaches would really go away.
- I wish I knew how to serve others better. I'm way too caught up in my own issues...
- I wish to love again.
Wish in one hand. Spit in the other. See which one fills up first.
Time to work on making wishes more tangible I 'spose...
Friday, August 10, 2012
AGAIN.
My boss called me in this afternoon to let me know how much he enjoys me, how impressed he is with my quickness and thoroughness and how fast I've caught on and how wonderful my basic human-ness (his word) is. He then told me they have decided to hire an associate attorney, and they can't afford an attorney AND a Tara, therefore the Tara needs to be let go. He's letting me stay put until the end of October if necessary, but has asked me to start looking right away for another job.
Again.
I put this on my Facebook post a little while ago and I'll state it here:
What is it that I need to learn? The Lord has put me through some rather difficult/interesting trials this year (I will admit I am looking forward to 2012 being OVER) and they are still coming at me.
What do I need to learn and how much more humility do I need to learn/experience?
I'm not whining. That last phrase probably sounds like I am. I'm really not. It's a genuine question I have and I don't like NOT knowing.
Anyway, please keep me in mind if you hear of any admin positions opening up anywhere (preferably) in the east valley.
Thanks friends.
ApparentlyNotYetHumbledEnough...
Tara
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Migraines
For the past two days, I have been lying low dealing with a migraine. It started as a headache off and on all day on Sunday. I woke up Monday with a massive heartbeat type of feel over my right eye. I took one of my muscle relaxers and went back to bed. Woke up again and it was worse - the throbbing had moved to all over my eyes and sinuses and neck and it stayed that way all day long.
I felt a little bit better last night and was hoping for a good, normal day at work again, until I woke up early this morning feeling just as awful as yesterday, but today I have little pimples all over my lower lip. Strangest thing I've ever dealt with. Along with more muscle relaxers, I've been swabbing hydrogen peroxide all over my face about every hour.
I'm a mess and I hurt and I am down down DOWN.
I am a 1099 employee and don't get any paid time off. So to miss two days of work is really hard on my pocketbook, especially since I get paid less than what I did when I left Infusionsoft. Quite a bit less.
And this, sadly, adds to my depression. I was able to deal with broken engagements and cruel words without being too terribly depressed about it - yes I was sad and hurt, but depression never set in. Now that I'm down with a migraine, pimples everywhere, hurting and being able to do nothing but think, depression has settled in a bit and I'm reliving/rehashing all the things that was said to me during Jim's email/texting tirade against me.
They weren't pretty words and some of them are rather damaging.
I know Father loves me and I know He took me out of a potentially harmful situation and I'm grateful for Him, for my family and for my friends who I love dearly and who I know dearly love me. But sometimes, the words break through and I'm not nice to myself.
I'm just writing this down so I remember feeling this way. I have found when I write things down, I can deal with them better and process them properly, rather than hang on to them or chew on them longer than they deserve to have attention brought to them.
We watched a video in Relief Society yesterday - I loved it and identified with it and I think it's part of the reason why I'm finally allowing myself to really process some of the things said. Take a look:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3QCkBL2DfVg
I pray during this migraining time that I can chisel away some of these ugly words that were put in to my head, not only by a certain someone, but they were put there by myself as well. I'm not kind to myself and, well, how dare I not be kind of one of Father's children?
Pray these migraines and pimples (and pimples sounds like a teenybopper thing - these are like welts/boils) and ugly thoughts turn into something productive and helpful and helps me be a better person to those of you out there who care to read my thoughts anyway.
I want to serve and I pray that I get more of those opportunities to serve you. I have had my share of those serving me and all I want to do is repay the kindness and goodness of others. But I need to be kind to myself in order to be kind to others.
Why is that so hard?
I felt a little bit better last night and was hoping for a good, normal day at work again, until I woke up early this morning feeling just as awful as yesterday, but today I have little pimples all over my lower lip. Strangest thing I've ever dealt with. Along with more muscle relaxers, I've been swabbing hydrogen peroxide all over my face about every hour.
I'm a mess and I hurt and I am down down DOWN.
I am a 1099 employee and don't get any paid time off. So to miss two days of work is really hard on my pocketbook, especially since I get paid less than what I did when I left Infusionsoft. Quite a bit less.
And this, sadly, adds to my depression. I was able to deal with broken engagements and cruel words without being too terribly depressed about it - yes I was sad and hurt, but depression never set in. Now that I'm down with a migraine, pimples everywhere, hurting and being able to do nothing but think, depression has settled in a bit and I'm reliving/rehashing all the things that was said to me during Jim's email/texting tirade against me.
They weren't pretty words and some of them are rather damaging.
I know Father loves me and I know He took me out of a potentially harmful situation and I'm grateful for Him, for my family and for my friends who I love dearly and who I know dearly love me. But sometimes, the words break through and I'm not nice to myself.
I'm just writing this down so I remember feeling this way. I have found when I write things down, I can deal with them better and process them properly, rather than hang on to them or chew on them longer than they deserve to have attention brought to them.
We watched a video in Relief Society yesterday - I loved it and identified with it and I think it's part of the reason why I'm finally allowing myself to really process some of the things said. Take a look:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3QCkBL2DfVg
I pray during this migraining time that I can chisel away some of these ugly words that were put in to my head, not only by a certain someone, but they were put there by myself as well. I'm not kind to myself and, well, how dare I not be kind of one of Father's children?
Pray these migraines and pimples (and pimples sounds like a teenybopper thing - these are like welts/boils) and ugly thoughts turn into something productive and helpful and helps me be a better person to those of you out there who care to read my thoughts anyway.
I want to serve and I pray that I get more of those opportunities to serve you. I have had my share of those serving me and all I want to do is repay the kindness and goodness of others. But I need to be kind to myself in order to be kind to others.
Why is that so hard?
Friday, August 3, 2012
Grateful.
I am so grateful.
I'm grateful for lessons learned (albeit REALLY hard lessons sometimes).
I'm grateful for the men in my life - the ones related to me and those that are my friends (and they all seem to fall into that category).
I'm grateful for the power of prayer.
I'm grateful that I KNOW my worth.
I'm grateful for a job that took quite some time getting used to, but that I really enjoy doing and enjoy coming in to the office each day.
I'm grateful for my mom and her wisdom and sympathy and EMPATHY. I love my mom.
I'm grateful for my sisters and their friendships and wise cracks and solidarity. And I'm grateful they chose such fantastic men to be their husbands and the fathers to their ("my") kids.
I'm grateful for Kaylynn. How is it we have never known each other before this year?
I'm grateful for Kent and Scott and their wisdom and advice they share with me regularly (and provide me with a regular paycheck).
I'm grateful for Candace and the hug she impulsively stopped by my home to give me.
I'm grateful for Wende and her reaching out to me.
I'm grateful to Allison for the out-of-the-blue invite to me to her dinner group.
I'm grateful to Jed and my instant friendship with him as he married in to my friend family.
I'm grateful for emails and texts and Facebook notes that continuously lift me up and make me smile.
I'm grateful to be back in my own ward, amongst my ward family and friends, and that I get to keep my same calling.
I'm grateful for priesthood blessings.
I'm grateful that I'm not bitter or even angry, and that I'm excited to have learned from recent experiences so I can apply that knowledge to new relationships.
And I'm grateful to Pinterest - because frankly, where have all of these quotes been all my life?
I'm grateful for lessons learned (albeit REALLY hard lessons sometimes).
I'm grateful for the men in my life - the ones related to me and those that are my friends (and they all seem to fall into that category).
I'm grateful for the power of prayer.
I'm grateful that I KNOW my worth.
I'm grateful for a job that took quite some time getting used to, but that I really enjoy doing and enjoy coming in to the office each day.
I'm grateful for my mom and her wisdom and sympathy and EMPATHY. I love my mom.
I'm grateful for my sisters and their friendships and wise cracks and solidarity. And I'm grateful they chose such fantastic men to be their husbands and the fathers to their ("my") kids.
I'm grateful for Kaylynn. How is it we have never known each other before this year?
I'm grateful for Kent and Scott and their wisdom and advice they share with me regularly (and provide me with a regular paycheck).
I'm grateful for Candace and the hug she impulsively stopped by my home to give me.
I'm grateful for Wende and her reaching out to me.
I'm grateful to Allison for the out-of-the-blue invite to me to her dinner group.
I'm grateful to Jed and my instant friendship with him as he married in to my friend family.
I'm grateful for emails and texts and Facebook notes that continuously lift me up and make me smile.
I'm grateful to be back in my own ward, amongst my ward family and friends, and that I get to keep my same calling.
I'm grateful for priesthood blessings.
I'm grateful that I'm not bitter or even angry, and that I'm excited to have learned from recent experiences so I can apply that knowledge to new relationships.
And I'm grateful to Pinterest - because frankly, where have all of these quotes been all my life?
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Closure.
Well, I asked for it.
Since we broke up, I have never felt any kind of closure with him. He stopped talking to me and the little bit of communication he did with me was very clinical and not very direct.
I have been pleading with the Lord to give me closure, so I can truly move on. I didn't realize how much I carried a hope that this was just a hiccup and things would eventually resume between the two of us, both of us stronger and more mature and more eyes wide open.
I let him know I had some stuff of his I needed to get to him and I sent him a text asking where I could bring it. He gave me a location that I could leave the bag and he would pick it up later, so I did that.
But doing that opened up a little thread of communication with him and me being me, I pushed him on telling me what happened and why it happened and why it couldn't be fixed. He was vague and a little ridiculous in some of his answers to me (all of this via text) last night, but it was enough that I felt like answers were coming.
I got a looooooooooooooong text from him this morning telling me everything that was wrong with me in this relationship, because I asked for it so he felt to finally get me off his back, he was gonna give it to me. It was painful to read, but I swallowed my pride and tried to take his points and comment on them, point by point, hoping to alleviate some of the anger he had towards me.
For all my good intentions and swallowed pride, all it did was have him come back to me with this, "I have no regrets about ending this because my side of the street was clean. If I hurt you I am sorry. Please forgive me. Love you too much to feed this part of you.."
(I don't know what this means.)
But man alive, If that aint closure, I don't know what is.
And I've been bawling my eyes out all day long as a result. It's okay. I need to do this and truly mourn this relationship because like a death, it will never come back to life, so I am mourning and crying and praying and plan on putting this ALL behind me.
Tomorrow.
Since we broke up, I have never felt any kind of closure with him. He stopped talking to me and the little bit of communication he did with me was very clinical and not very direct.
I have been pleading with the Lord to give me closure, so I can truly move on. I didn't realize how much I carried a hope that this was just a hiccup and things would eventually resume between the two of us, both of us stronger and more mature and more eyes wide open.
I let him know I had some stuff of his I needed to get to him and I sent him a text asking where I could bring it. He gave me a location that I could leave the bag and he would pick it up later, so I did that.
But doing that opened up a little thread of communication with him and me being me, I pushed him on telling me what happened and why it happened and why it couldn't be fixed. He was vague and a little ridiculous in some of his answers to me (all of this via text) last night, but it was enough that I felt like answers were coming.
I got a looooooooooooooong text from him this morning telling me everything that was wrong with me in this relationship, because I asked for it so he felt to finally get me off his back, he was gonna give it to me. It was painful to read, but I swallowed my pride and tried to take his points and comment on them, point by point, hoping to alleviate some of the anger he had towards me.
For all my good intentions and swallowed pride, all it did was have him come back to me with this, "I have no regrets about ending this because my side of the street was clean. If I hurt you I am sorry. Please forgive me. Love you too much to feed this part of you.."
(I don't know what this means.)
But man alive, If that aint closure, I don't know what is.
And I've been bawling my eyes out all day long as a result. It's okay. I need to do this and truly mourn this relationship because like a death, it will never come back to life, so I am mourning and crying and praying and plan on putting this ALL behind me.
Tomorrow.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Ring?
Anyone want to purchase a gorgeous, never-been-officially-worn-by-me, absolutely STUNNING ring? It doesn't necessarily have to be an engagement and/or wedding ring. I tried it on my right hand and it looked fantastic on there too. 14-carat white gold, center stone is 1 carat, 250 small stones equal an additional 3 carats. If interested, send me a note. I'm serious. I'd love to have this ring be worn proudly and happily.
Love to my blog family everywhere! I'm doing great. I really, really am!
Love to my blog family everywhere! I'm doing great. I really, really am!
Sunday, July 22, 2012
DONE.
Okay - I guess it's finally time to tell my side of this story, which I'm still not completely clear about.
If you've ever followed any of my blogs, you know that I had a problem with debt at one time and blogged it to the world, letting you in on my evil secrets and as a result, I felt accountable to someone for the first time.
Your friendship and my parents enabled me to get out of that debt and eventually purchase a home of my own.
Well, over the past three years, I've managed to get myself into some credit card debt again. My only excuse is the fact that I used one for a whole year and accumulated cash every time I used it. I paid it off every month and then was able to get a good chunk of change back at the end of the year. Sadly, the next year I had one month that I couldn't pay the entire amount and it snowballed from there. With all of this said, I do have some debt, but I've always been able to pay more than the minimum balance and my credit score is close to 800. I pay my bills.
One week after I have been engaged, my fiance brought up this debt (I had told him about it at the beginning of our relationship, but he didn't remember the conversation) and told me he felt like I was being deceitful, first having credit card debt in the first place and second not telling him about it. I understand the second one (though I DID tell him), but the first one still baffles me to this day. He felt like I maybe was not even be worthy to attend the temple.
Anyway, that, along with other things about me that he started having problems with, for example I wanted to get married earlier rather than later - I wanted my forever to start NOW, he felt like maybe I was a sex addict. Honestly. He said that to me and that he was concerned. It hurt my feelings and I cried and eventually he realized that was an extreme assumption and he asked forgiveness.
But later on when things started getting nasty (and they got nasty FAST), he told me that my tears were manipulative and he felt I used them to try to make him feel bad.
If you know me at all, you know I cry at any emotion I feel - sadness, happiness, frustration, joy, fear, excitement, etc. I cry and it's how I deal with my emotions. And he doesn't believe in my tears.
He is the one who called off the wedding. He felt like our finances were in such awful states that there was no way we were ready for marriage. He then handed me my engagement ring still in the box (never worn - he had just picked it up from getting sized) and told me it was mine to do with what I wanted (I paid for it - nice that he let me keep it).
I told him I thought love was unconditional and he stated that love is, but marriage isn't. To me they are one and the same and that statement did me in. I knew we were through.
It's been rough. I have no idea if it has been for him, as he has completely stopped communicating with me in every way, shape and form. I, however, have had really low days, but more and more often, my days are getting better and they are mostly good and happy.
I loved being in love and I loved knowing he loved me, but at the end, I didn't feel like love should be so hurtful and needed to truly walk away from it all. Even this decision didn't come right away and it didn't come easily as I didn't want to give up. But the longer it has been, the more my heart is at peace with this decision and I'm grateful for loving family and friends who KNOW me and who truly LOVE me and have been there for me.
So there you have it. If you're confused, that's okay. So am I. I don't think this is something I will ever truly have closure over, and I have to have faith that that's okay.
Thank you to YOU who are reading this and caring enough to want to know about me and what happened. I wish I could have been clearer, but just know you are not alone in the confusion.
If you've ever followed any of my blogs, you know that I had a problem with debt at one time and blogged it to the world, letting you in on my evil secrets and as a result, I felt accountable to someone for the first time.
Your friendship and my parents enabled me to get out of that debt and eventually purchase a home of my own.
Well, over the past three years, I've managed to get myself into some credit card debt again. My only excuse is the fact that I used one for a whole year and accumulated cash every time I used it. I paid it off every month and then was able to get a good chunk of change back at the end of the year. Sadly, the next year I had one month that I couldn't pay the entire amount and it snowballed from there. With all of this said, I do have some debt, but I've always been able to pay more than the minimum balance and my credit score is close to 800. I pay my bills.
One week after I have been engaged, my fiance brought up this debt (I had told him about it at the beginning of our relationship, but he didn't remember the conversation) and told me he felt like I was being deceitful, first having credit card debt in the first place and second not telling him about it. I understand the second one (though I DID tell him), but the first one still baffles me to this day. He felt like I maybe was not even be worthy to attend the temple.
Anyway, that, along with other things about me that he started having problems with, for example I wanted to get married earlier rather than later - I wanted my forever to start NOW, he felt like maybe I was a sex addict. Honestly. He said that to me and that he was concerned. It hurt my feelings and I cried and eventually he realized that was an extreme assumption and he asked forgiveness.
But later on when things started getting nasty (and they got nasty FAST), he told me that my tears were manipulative and he felt I used them to try to make him feel bad.
If you know me at all, you know I cry at any emotion I feel - sadness, happiness, frustration, joy, fear, excitement, etc. I cry and it's how I deal with my emotions. And he doesn't believe in my tears.
He is the one who called off the wedding. He felt like our finances were in such awful states that there was no way we were ready for marriage. He then handed me my engagement ring still in the box (never worn - he had just picked it up from getting sized) and told me it was mine to do with what I wanted (I paid for it - nice that he let me keep it).
I told him I thought love was unconditional and he stated that love is, but marriage isn't. To me they are one and the same and that statement did me in. I knew we were through.
It's been rough. I have no idea if it has been for him, as he has completely stopped communicating with me in every way, shape and form. I, however, have had really low days, but more and more often, my days are getting better and they are mostly good and happy.
I loved being in love and I loved knowing he loved me, but at the end, I didn't feel like love should be so hurtful and needed to truly walk away from it all. Even this decision didn't come right away and it didn't come easily as I didn't want to give up. But the longer it has been, the more my heart is at peace with this decision and I'm grateful for loving family and friends who KNOW me and who truly LOVE me and have been there for me.
So there you have it. If you're confused, that's okay. So am I. I don't think this is something I will ever truly have closure over, and I have to have faith that that's okay.
Thank you to YOU who are reading this and caring enough to want to know about me and what happened. I wish I could have been clearer, but just know you are not alone in the confusion.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Prayers
If you feel like you're up to it, I need your prayers today. I am not at liberty to say specifically what for, but prayers on my behalf can only be helpful. Please and thank you.
Tara
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
MARRIED!
Wow. What a three weeks this has been. Nothing but absolutely WONDERFUL. Let me tell you about my love story:
On June 9, 2012, I went on my first date with Jim Merrell. It was a restaurant date and all we did was eat and talk, then talk and talk and talk. Jim has been through some trying times in his life and has overcome some incredible obstacles and he wanted me to know everything.
Again, on our first date.
The thing is, what he shared with me did not frighten me or discourage me or do anything but make me want to know him more.
I went home that evening with the beginnings of butterflies, knowing this was someone special. Special enough that that same evening, I texted him asking if he'd like to go to Sunday dinner with me at my sister and brother-in-law's home, along with their seven noisy children. I wanted him to meet my family and I wanted my family to meet him (and frankly give me their opinion of him). He accepted and we chatted via text for about an hour longer. This is after spending four hours with him chatting.
I was really digging him.
Sunday came and I went over to my sister's home. She warned her kids that they needed to be on their best behavior. I then told them they could act any way they wanted to, that I didn't want him to get a skewered idea of who they were and how they were. I wanted him to get the full picture. My family is VERY important to me and wanted him to see them how I see them.
They didn't disappoint and were awesome towards Jim and he enjoyed them, though most of his time was spent with Ron (turns out they grew up together in and around Duncan, Arizona and had so many people in common they spent most of the evening catching up).
I called Ron on my way home and he gave me the thumbs up. Now it's time for the fun to begin.
He and I made plans to see each other the following Saturday for pizza and a movie at my house. On Monday, he was planning on attending family home evening in his ward with the other singles. He ended up not going and through about a million hints, he finally figured out that I wanted him to come over to do the pizza/movie thing instead of waiting clear until Saturday.
At one point he said, "Oh wait! You want me to come over TONIGHT and do something different on Saturday?" Duh. I've had to learn that he does not do hints. At all.
He came, we snuggled (only after I laid my head on my shoulder first, then he got a clue and took my hand) and that was truly the beginning of our relationship. I love yous were said by that Wednesday, jewelry (matching ring, earrings and necklace) was given to me by Thursday and by Friday night we were talking about our future and WHEN we got married, no longer IF we got married.
We just knew, and our love and friendship grew each day after that.
His lovely mother got married to her high school sweetheart (his dad passed away in 2010 - a year after my dad passed away) this past Saturday, June 30, 2012, in Safford, Arizona. I had the privilege of attending with Jim and I got to meet most of his family (he is the youngest of 9 children, 8 of whom are still living). It was a sweet ceremony and an enjoyable reception with lots of people and lots of kids and lots of relatives to meet.
Towards the end of the party, Jim asked me to sit and visit with his mom to get to know her better. I wanted to do this, but needed to use the restroom first. In all honesty, I didn't really need to use the restroom, I just need a time out moment to catch my breath and not be stared at. I guess I was in there a while because from what I heard later, Jim was climbing the walls wondering where I was.
I came back in the room and sat down next to his mom. He made sure I was comfortable and doing okay, then proceeded to stand up, ask for everyone's attention, then got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.
I said YES and we hugged and kissed and were applauded by everyone in the room and Jim and I are now getting married on November 23, 2012, in the Mesa, Arizona temple.
I am so happy and have never loved someone so deeply as I do this man. I am so grateful for the challenges I have faced this year to help me be ready for him. I know without a doubt in my mind that the Lord put us both in each other's paths at this specific time. We would not have been ready for each other any sooner.
James Reed Merrell and Tara LaRue ARE GETTING MARRIED!
On June 9, 2012, I went on my first date with Jim Merrell. It was a restaurant date and all we did was eat and talk, then talk and talk and talk. Jim has been through some trying times in his life and has overcome some incredible obstacles and he wanted me to know everything.
Again, on our first date.
The thing is, what he shared with me did not frighten me or discourage me or do anything but make me want to know him more.
I went home that evening with the beginnings of butterflies, knowing this was someone special. Special enough that that same evening, I texted him asking if he'd like to go to Sunday dinner with me at my sister and brother-in-law's home, along with their seven noisy children. I wanted him to meet my family and I wanted my family to meet him (and frankly give me their opinion of him). He accepted and we chatted via text for about an hour longer. This is after spending four hours with him chatting.
I was really digging him.
Sunday came and I went over to my sister's home. She warned her kids that they needed to be on their best behavior. I then told them they could act any way they wanted to, that I didn't want him to get a skewered idea of who they were and how they were. I wanted him to get the full picture. My family is VERY important to me and wanted him to see them how I see them.
They didn't disappoint and were awesome towards Jim and he enjoyed them, though most of his time was spent with Ron (turns out they grew up together in and around Duncan, Arizona and had so many people in common they spent most of the evening catching up).
I called Ron on my way home and he gave me the thumbs up. Now it's time for the fun to begin.
He and I made plans to see each other the following Saturday for pizza and a movie at my house. On Monday, he was planning on attending family home evening in his ward with the other singles. He ended up not going and through about a million hints, he finally figured out that I wanted him to come over to do the pizza/movie thing instead of waiting clear until Saturday.
At one point he said, "Oh wait! You want me to come over TONIGHT and do something different on Saturday?" Duh. I've had to learn that he does not do hints. At all.
He came, we snuggled (only after I laid my head on my shoulder first, then he got a clue and took my hand) and that was truly the beginning of our relationship. I love yous were said by that Wednesday, jewelry (matching ring, earrings and necklace) was given to me by Thursday and by Friday night we were talking about our future and WHEN we got married, no longer IF we got married.
We just knew, and our love and friendship grew each day after that.
His lovely mother got married to her high school sweetheart (his dad passed away in 2010 - a year after my dad passed away) this past Saturday, June 30, 2012, in Safford, Arizona. I had the privilege of attending with Jim and I got to meet most of his family (he is the youngest of 9 children, 8 of whom are still living). It was a sweet ceremony and an enjoyable reception with lots of people and lots of kids and lots of relatives to meet.
Towards the end of the party, Jim asked me to sit and visit with his mom to get to know her better. I wanted to do this, but needed to use the restroom first. In all honesty, I didn't really need to use the restroom, I just need a time out moment to catch my breath and not be stared at. I guess I was in there a while because from what I heard later, Jim was climbing the walls wondering where I was.
I came back in the room and sat down next to his mom. He made sure I was comfortable and doing okay, then proceeded to stand up, ask for everyone's attention, then got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.
I said YES and we hugged and kissed and were applauded by everyone in the room and Jim and I are now getting married on November 23, 2012, in the Mesa, Arizona temple.
I am so happy and have never loved someone so deeply as I do this man. I am so grateful for the challenges I have faced this year to help me be ready for him. I know without a doubt in my mind that the Lord put us both in each other's paths at this specific time. We would not have been ready for each other any sooner.
James Reed Merrell and Tara LaRue ARE GETTING MARRIED!
Friday, June 22, 2012
Love.
I am in love.
Most of you know this, as I'm not shy in sharing it on Facebook (sorry Mom). Let's start at the very beginning...
(You have that song in your mind now, don't you?)
Back in 1987, I was in a seminary class with Brother Noble. A fella by the name of Jim Merrell sat near me and noticed me due to the fact that I told another fella to quit being a jerk (or something of that nature).
Fast forward 23 years, when Jim Merrell sent a Facebook friend request to me. I remembered him and for this reason, accepted said request (I usually don't accept requests from people I don't know or don't remember - learned that lesson the hard way).
Slow forward one more year, and Jim Merrell was admonished by his bishop to start dating.
This is when things got fun.
Jim sent me an email through Facebook stating, "Ok, it has been years since I did this. I know you probably do not
remember me. I took myself
out of the dating scene years ago, but I am wondering, would you be
interested in going out on a date with me this Saturday evening, or next
weekend?"
I told him I was available either weekend and offered him my cell number and regular email address. He called me the next day to confirm plans, and a date was set.
Because I live in south Egypt (San Tan Valley) and he lives in Scottsdale, we decided to meet at Superstition Springs area and then went to dinner together from there.
That's when the talking and sharing and laughing started. That date lasted four hours, and all we did was talk.
And since June 9, he and I have only missed one day of not seeing each other. And every time we see each other, we talk and share and laugh some more.
I love him. On a level that is so much deeper than anything I have ever shared with anyone. Ever.
And man alive, I AM HAPPY.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Arizona in the 80s
I posted this on another blog I did a couple of years ago. I was going through that blog today and enjoyed this so much I thought I would share again. Feel free to add additional numbers in the comments if you can think of other things...
1) Would have done anything for a Ladmo bag.
2) Tired to fry an egg on the sidewalk.
3) Can still remember the words to the hepatitis song.
4) Spent way too many summer days in a mall.
5) Remember KZZP.
6) Went ice skating at Metrocenter.
7) Get irritated when people say "yeah, but it's a dry heat."
8) Have red burnt cheeks in every childhood picture.
9) Had a pool in your backyard.
10) Vacationed in San Diego or Rocky Point.
11) Know what it feels like to come out of an icy cold movie theater into 110 degree heat.
12) Saw your mom drive with potholders.
13) Know what "tubing" means.
14) Have been "ice blocking."
15) Have a T-shirt that says "I survived the hottest day in Phoenix history" referring to that summer day in 1990 when it got up to 122 degree in the shade.
16) Consider yourself a "Zonie."
17) Ever put Christmas lights on a cactus.
19) Burnt the bottom of your feet running out to get the mail because you were too lazy to put on shoes.
20) Know some Spanish even though you never studied it.
21) Won hot pink scrunchies at Metro Midway!
22) Enjoyed making song requests at Organ Stop Pizza.
23) Got in trouble for leaving crayons in the back seat of the car.
24) Are not intimidated by a Super Big Gulp.
25) Your heroes were Kevin Johnson (KJ), Mark West, and Tom Chambers.
26) Had to pay full replacement price for the rented VCR tape you left in your car.
27) Shopped at Goldwaters, Broadway Southwest, Federated or Diamonds.
28) Remember Dave Pratt the Morning Mayor on 98 KUPD.
29) Can count the number of times it snowed in Phoenix on one hand.
30) Stood in line to watch movies at the original Cine Capri.
31) Snow Cones and brain freezes made summer worthwhile.
32) Cried when Wallace and Ladmo went off the air
33) Went to Pistol Pete's pizza, ShowBiz pizza, and can recall Tex Critters at MetroCenter
34) Thought Streets of New York had the best pizza in Phoenix at 19th and Northern
35) Remember Gemco
36) Ate at Furr's Cafeteria
37) Shopped at Mervyn's
38) Saw your first concert at the Arizona State Fair
39) Remember the Madhouse at Macdowell (Purple Palace)
40) Remember Suns Fever
41) Recall Thunder Dan
42) Mourned the loss of Cotton Fitzsimmons
43) Believed in the 100 year flood
44) Did the hokey pokey at Great Skate.
45) Cruised Central, Metro or Mill Avenue.
46) Worried about drive by shootings at school.
47) Remember only TWO freeways either the I-10 or I-17.
48) Remember who Rose Mofford or Evan Mecham is.
49) Know what Sonoyta Motors is.
50) Know what Price Club is (and when there was only 1).
51) Had Dimension Cable.
52) Know what the Phoenix Gazette is.
53) Went to Legend City or Compton Terrace.
54) Know what Yellow Front, Lucky's, Smittys, Skaggs, AJ Bayless, are.
55) Suffered with a swamp cooler.
56) Went boogie boarding on irrigation day.
57) Fished in the canal.
58) Went to the hot air balloon races at Thunderbird.
59) Thought 19th Ave and Cactus was in the boonies.
60) Speaking of the boonies - drank in the desert with the rest of your high school friends until the bright light of the helicopter came blaring down.
61) Were ever excited about your appearance on "Pets on Parade."
62) Suffered the consequences of leaving your sister's favorite vinyl record in the car.
63) Remember your parents voting (or not voting for) for the monorail.
64) Thought Big Surf was Rad!
65) Danced at Club Rio.
66) Remember Tex Earnhardt and his "No Bull commercials"
67) Attended a birthday party in a railroad car at the McDonald's on Bethany Home and 23rd Ave.
68) Remember the Dr. Demento show on KZZP every Sunday night.
69) Burned your hand trying to open your locker at school.
70) Locking your car doors as soon as you got south of Bethany Home.
71) Wished you lived in California.
72) Didn't believe that High schools actually had indoor halls and full size lockers like they do on TV.
73) Didn't go to the park until AFTER dark.
74) Sweatband were not just a fashion statement.
75) Your Hypercolor T-shirt was permanently a different color under your arms.
76) Knew not to shoot at a Saguaro because it could fall over on you and kill you.
77) Thought Flagstaff was REALLY cold.
78) Always saw at least 10 people you knew on Mission Beach (San Diego)
79) Knew who worked on Van Buren.
80) Remember when the Roadrunners were the only hockey game in town
81) Remember when Buckeye was BFE
82) Wore jellies in the summer even though you had really bad feet sweat.
83) Went to see Santa @ Westridge Mall (that was the best one with the whole set up).
84) Remember when Ahwatukee was a retirement community half way to Tucson.
85) Remember 50 cent movie Tuesdays at Valley West Mall
86) Have a scar on the back of your thighs from the 3rd degree burns sustained from the metal clip your seat belt clicked in to. No protection given from the OP short ,shorts.
87) Remember the orange trees planted all the way down the middle of Black Canyon Freeway (Now called I-17).
88) Ever get your butt and legs burned by metal slides at the Whataburger across from Metrocenter? (What sadist would put metal slides on a kids playground in Phoenix????!!)
89) Remember when Sun City wasn't connected to the rest of the valley?
90) Ever have brunch at Mother Tuckers?
91) Remember when it only took 2 hours to drive to Flagstaff
92) Going to slide rock in Sedona and hoping it wasn't closed due to high levels of bacteria in the water!
93) Remember when Terminal 2 was the only passenger terminal at Sky Harbor and you had to walk on the tarmac.
94) Got free tokens at the Valley West Mall arcade for good grades on your report card
95) Celebrated a birthday at Ed Debevick's
96) Thought Bobby McGee's was the coolest restaurant ever
97) Ever rode the "crack the whip" ride at Encanto Park.
98) Ever got attached by a jumping cactus
99) Know what to do when you hear a rattle in the desert.
100) Used to shop at LaBelles, eat lunch at Liberty Bell Pizza or get soda at the U-TOTEM on Cactus.
101) Remember the commercial about Valley Fever..."Dustyyyy, dustyyyy, dustyyyy"!
101) Remember when you could get 2 tacos and a small drink at Taco Bell for $2
102) Had hot air balloons land in your backyard when you lived on 75th Ave and Bell by the orange groves known now as "Arrowhead Mall"
103) Witnessed the shock when the "art" on the 51 when installed. (Referring to the lovely toilet and large silver sphere.)
104) Had the bell run for their birthday at Farrell's (Christown)
105) Remember going to the Phoenix Firebirds baseball games
106) Remember Dewey Hopper-the weather guy who always wore school t-shirts,
107) Watched World Beyond on Sat. mornings.
108) Ate at Bob's Big Boy.
1) Would have done anything for a Ladmo bag.
2) Tired to fry an egg on the sidewalk.
3) Can still remember the words to the hepatitis song.
4) Spent way too many summer days in a mall.
5) Remember KZZP.
6) Went ice skating at Metrocenter.
7) Get irritated when people say "yeah, but it's a dry heat."
8) Have red burnt cheeks in every childhood picture.
9) Had a pool in your backyard.
10) Vacationed in San Diego or Rocky Point.
11) Know what it feels like to come out of an icy cold movie theater into 110 degree heat.
12) Saw your mom drive with potholders.
13) Know what "tubing" means.
14) Have been "ice blocking."
15) Have a T-shirt that says "I survived the hottest day in Phoenix history" referring to that summer day in 1990 when it got up to 122 degree in the shade.
16) Consider yourself a "Zonie."
17) Ever put Christmas lights on a cactus.
19) Burnt the bottom of your feet running out to get the mail because you were too lazy to put on shoes.
20) Know some Spanish even though you never studied it.
21) Won hot pink scrunchies at Metro Midway!
22) Enjoyed making song requests at Organ Stop Pizza.
23) Got in trouble for leaving crayons in the back seat of the car.
24) Are not intimidated by a Super Big Gulp.
25) Your heroes were Kevin Johnson (KJ), Mark West, and Tom Chambers.
26) Had to pay full replacement price for the rented VCR tape you left in your car.
27) Shopped at Goldwaters, Broadway Southwest, Federated or Diamonds.
28) Remember Dave Pratt the Morning Mayor on 98 KUPD.
29) Can count the number of times it snowed in Phoenix on one hand.
30) Stood in line to watch movies at the original Cine Capri.
31) Snow Cones and brain freezes made summer worthwhile.
32) Cried when Wallace and Ladmo went off the air
33) Went to Pistol Pete's pizza, ShowBiz pizza, and can recall Tex Critters at MetroCenter
34) Thought Streets of New York had the best pizza in Phoenix at 19th and Northern
35) Remember Gemco
36) Ate at Furr's Cafeteria
37) Shopped at Mervyn's
38) Saw your first concert at the Arizona State Fair
39) Remember the Madhouse at Macdowell (Purple Palace)
40) Remember Suns Fever
41) Recall Thunder Dan
42) Mourned the loss of Cotton Fitzsimmons
43) Believed in the 100 year flood
44) Did the hokey pokey at Great Skate.
45) Cruised Central, Metro or Mill Avenue.
46) Worried about drive by shootings at school.
47) Remember only TWO freeways either the I-10 or I-17.
48) Remember who Rose Mofford or Evan Mecham is.
49) Know what Sonoyta Motors is.
50) Know what Price Club is (and when there was only 1).
51) Had Dimension Cable.
52) Know what the Phoenix Gazette is.
53) Went to Legend City or Compton Terrace.
54) Know what Yellow Front, Lucky's, Smittys, Skaggs, AJ Bayless, are.
55) Suffered with a swamp cooler.
56) Went boogie boarding on irrigation day.
57) Fished in the canal.
58) Went to the hot air balloon races at Thunderbird.
59) Thought 19th Ave and Cactus was in the boonies.
60) Speaking of the boonies - drank in the desert with the rest of your high school friends until the bright light of the helicopter came blaring down.
61) Were ever excited about your appearance on "Pets on Parade."
62) Suffered the consequences of leaving your sister's favorite vinyl record in the car.
63) Remember your parents voting (or not voting for) for the monorail.
64) Thought Big Surf was Rad!
65) Danced at Club Rio.
66) Remember Tex Earnhardt and his "No Bull commercials"
67) Attended a birthday party in a railroad car at the McDonald's on Bethany Home and 23rd Ave.
68) Remember the Dr. Demento show on KZZP every Sunday night.
69) Burned your hand trying to open your locker at school.
70) Locking your car doors as soon as you got south of Bethany Home.
71) Wished you lived in California.
72) Didn't believe that High schools actually had indoor halls and full size lockers like they do on TV.
73) Didn't go to the park until AFTER dark.
74) Sweatband were not just a fashion statement.
75) Your Hypercolor T-shirt was permanently a different color under your arms.
76) Knew not to shoot at a Saguaro because it could fall over on you and kill you.
77) Thought Flagstaff was REALLY cold.
78) Always saw at least 10 people you knew on Mission Beach (San Diego)
79) Knew who worked on Van Buren.
80) Remember when the Roadrunners were the only hockey game in town
81) Remember when Buckeye was BFE
82) Wore jellies in the summer even though you had really bad feet sweat.
83) Went to see Santa @ Westridge Mall (that was the best one with the whole set up).
84) Remember when Ahwatukee was a retirement community half way to Tucson.
85) Remember 50 cent movie Tuesdays at Valley West Mall
86) Have a scar on the back of your thighs from the 3rd degree burns sustained from the metal clip your seat belt clicked in to. No protection given from the OP short ,shorts.
87) Remember the orange trees planted all the way down the middle of Black Canyon Freeway (Now called I-17).
88) Ever get your butt and legs burned by metal slides at the Whataburger across from Metrocenter? (What sadist would put metal slides on a kids playground in Phoenix????!!)
89) Remember when Sun City wasn't connected to the rest of the valley?
90) Ever have brunch at Mother Tuckers?
91) Remember when it only took 2 hours to drive to Flagstaff
92) Going to slide rock in Sedona and hoping it wasn't closed due to high levels of bacteria in the water!
93) Remember when Terminal 2 was the only passenger terminal at Sky Harbor and you had to walk on the tarmac.
94) Got free tokens at the Valley West Mall arcade for good grades on your report card
95) Celebrated a birthday at Ed Debevick's
96) Thought Bobby McGee's was the coolest restaurant ever
97) Ever rode the "crack the whip" ride at Encanto Park.
98) Ever got attached by a jumping cactus
99) Know what to do when you hear a rattle in the desert.
100) Used to shop at LaBelles, eat lunch at Liberty Bell Pizza or get soda at the U-TOTEM on Cactus.
101) Remember the commercial about Valley Fever..."Dustyyyy, dustyyyy, dustyyyy"!
101) Remember when you could get 2 tacos and a small drink at Taco Bell for $2
102) Had hot air balloons land in your backyard when you lived on 75th Ave and Bell by the orange groves known now as "Arrowhead Mall"
103) Witnessed the shock when the "art" on the 51 when installed. (Referring to the lovely toilet and large silver sphere.)
104) Had the bell run for their birthday at Farrell's (Christown)
105) Remember going to the Phoenix Firebirds baseball games
106) Remember Dewey Hopper-the weather guy who always wore school t-shirts,
107) Watched World Beyond on Sat. mornings.
108) Ate at Bob's Big Boy.
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