Wishes

My mom always had this strange quote that she said to us, her daughters, often.  Apparently my Grandpa Nelson is the one who said it during her childhood:  "Wish in one hand.  Spit in the other.  See which one fills up first."

Wishes are not tangible.  Spit is.  I understand the message there.  But wishing is so much more of a part of my life than spitting in my hand (eew, gross).  There are so many things/situations I wish for these days.  They are filling my head up and honestly bringing me down a bit:

• I wish I was someone that an employer absolutely had to have, no matter the cost.
• I wish my dad were alive.  I sure could have used and continue to use his wisdom today.
• I wish my out-of-state family lived closer to me.  My family has always brought me comfort.
• I wish I could enjoy Arizona's awesome monsoon season.  It hurts me too much.
• I wish I had a special someone to lean on, love, and serve.
• I wish I was able to live without money.
• I wish I could take each of my nieces/nephews on 1:1 vacations.
• I wish I didn't cry so dang much.
• I wish I had Kaylynn's metabolism.
• I wish I didn't have Tara's appetite.
• I wish for my marriageable-aged nieces/nephews to find their love and marry them for eternity sooner rather than later.
• I wish to go on an office mission and share my talents doing the Lord's work.
• I wish I wasn't in debt in order to make this happen.
• I wish I were more of a leader rather than a drifter.
• I wish I could figure out what to put on the red wall behind my TV.
• I wish I were a better visiting teacher.
• I wish I were a better friend.
• I wish I didn't like pizza so much.
• I wish I did like veggies a whole lot more.
• I wish for more good surprises in my life.  Not these bad ones that seem to keep happening.
• I wish I could keep my problems in perspective - realizing people are suffering so much more than me.
• I wish I didn't have to find another job - I was just getting into a great groove at my current one.
• I wish I could travel more (other than to Utah, Colorado and California).
• I wish I were truly happy being alone.
• I wish bugs/spiders/insects didn't completely wig me out.
• I wish these damn headaches would really go away.
• I wish I knew how to serve others better.  I'm way too caught up in my own issues...
• I wish to love again.

Many of these things are possibilities and I recognize that.  Things I can work on and make happen.  I guess I wish for someone to be alongside me to help me realize these things.

Wish in one hand.  Spit in the other.  See which one fills up first.

Time to work on making wishes more tangible I 'spose...

AGAIN.

My boss called me in this afternoon to let me know how much he enjoys me, how impressed he is with my quickness and thoroughness and how fast I've caught on and how wonderful my basic human-ness (his word) is.  He then told me they have decided to hire an associate attorney, and they can't afford an attorney AND a Tara, therefore the Tara needs to be let go.  He's letting me stay put until the end of October if necessary, but has asked me to start looking right away for another job.

Again.

I put this on my Facebook post a little while ago and I'll state it here:

What is it that I need to learn?  The Lord has put me through some rather difficult/interesting trials this year (I will admit I am looking forward to 2012 being OVER) and they are still coming at me.

What do I need to learn and how much more humility do I need to learn/experience?

I'm not whining.  That last phrase probably sounds like I am.  I'm really not.  It's a genuine question I have and I don't like NOT knowing.

Anyway, please keep me in mind if you hear of any admin positions opening up anywhere (preferably) in the east valley.

Thanks friends.

ApparentlyNotYetHumbledEnough...

Tara

Migraines

For the past two days, I have been lying low dealing with a migraine.  It started as a headache off and on all day on Sunday.  I woke up Monday with a massive heartbeat type of feel over my right eye.  I took one of my muscle relaxers and went back to bed.  Woke up again and it was worse - the throbbing had moved to all over my eyes and sinuses and neck and it stayed that way all day long.

I felt a little bit better last night and was hoping for a good, normal day at work again, until I woke up early this morning feeling just as awful as yesterday, but today I have little pimples all over my lower lip.  Strangest thing I've ever dealt with.  Along with more muscle relaxers, I've been swabbing hydrogen peroxide all over my face about every hour.

I'm a mess and I hurt and I am down down DOWN.

I am a 1099 employee and don't get any paid time off.  So to miss two days of work is really hard on my pocketbook, especially since I get paid less than what I did when I left Infusionsoft.  Quite a bit less.

And this, sadly, adds to my depression.  I was able to deal with broken engagements and cruel words without being too terribly depressed about it - yes I was sad and hurt, but depression never set in.  Now that I'm down with a migraine, pimples everywhere, hurting and being able to do nothing but think, depression has settled in a bit and I'm reliving/rehashing all the things that was said to me during Jim's email/texting tirade against me.

They weren't pretty words and some of them are rather damaging.

I know Father loves me and I know He took me out of a potentially harmful situation and I'm grateful for Him, for my family and for my friends who I love dearly and who I know dearly love me.  But sometimes, the words break through and I'm not nice to myself.

I'm just writing this down so I remember feeling this way.  I have found when I write things down, I can deal with them better and process them properly, rather than hang on to them or chew on them longer than they deserve to have attention brought to them.

We watched a video in Relief Society yesterday - I loved it and identified with it and I think it's part of the reason why I'm finally allowing myself to really process some of the things said.  Take a look:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3QCkBL2DfVg

I pray during this migraining time that I can chisel away some of these ugly words that were put in to my head, not only by a certain someone, but they were put there by myself as well.  I'm not kind to myself and, well, how dare I not be kind of one of Father's children?

Pray these migraines and pimples (and pimples sounds like a teenybopper thing - these are like welts/boils) and ugly thoughts turn into something productive and helpful and helps me be a better person to those of you out there who care to read my thoughts anyway.

I want to serve and I pray that I get more of those opportunities to serve you.  I have had my share of those serving me and all I want to do is repay the kindness and goodness of others.  But I need to be kind to myself in order to be kind to others.

Why is that so hard?

Grateful.

I am so grateful.

I'm grateful for lessons learned (albeit REALLY hard lessons sometimes).

I'm grateful for the men in my life - the ones related to me and those that are my friends (and they all seem to fall into that category).

I'm grateful for the power of prayer.

I'm grateful that I KNOW my worth.

I'm grateful for a job that took quite some time getting used to, but that I really enjoy doing and enjoy coming in to the office each day.

I'm grateful for my mom and her wisdom and sympathy and EMPATHY.  I love my mom.

I'm grateful for my sisters and their friendships and wise cracks and solidarity.  And I'm grateful they chose such fantastic men to be their husbands and the fathers to their ("my") kids.

I'm grateful for Kaylynn.  How is it we have never known each other before this year?

I'm grateful for Kent and Scott and their wisdom and advice they share with me regularly (and provide me with a regular paycheck).

I'm grateful for Candace and the hug she impulsively stopped by my home to give me.

I'm grateful for Wende and her reaching out to me.

I'm grateful to Allison for the out-of-the-blue invite to me to her dinner group.

I'm grateful to Jed and my instant friendship with him as he married in to my friend family.

I'm grateful for emails and texts and Facebook notes that continuously lift me up and make me smile.

I'm grateful to be back in my own ward, amongst my ward family and friends, and that I get to keep my same calling.

I'm grateful for priesthood blessings.

I'm grateful that I'm not bitter or even angry, and that I'm excited to have learned from recent experiences so I can apply that knowledge to new relationships.

And I'm grateful to Pinterest - because frankly, where have all of these quotes been all my life?

Closure.

Well, I asked for it.

Since we broke up, I have never felt any kind of closure with him.  He stopped talking to me and the little bit of communication he did with me was very clinical and not very direct.

I have been pleading with the Lord to give me closure, so I can truly move on.  I didn't realize how much I carried a hope that this was just a hiccup and things would eventually resume between the two of us, both of us stronger and more mature and more eyes wide open.

I let him know I had some stuff of his I needed to get to him and I sent him a text asking where I could bring it.  He gave me a location that I could leave the bag and he would pick it up later, so I did that.

But doing that opened up a little thread of communication with him and me being me, I pushed him on telling me what happened and why it happened and why it couldn't be fixed.  He was vague and a little ridiculous in some of his answers to me (all of this via text) last night, but it was enough that I felt like answers were coming.

I got a looooooooooooooong text from him this morning telling me everything that was wrong with me in this relationship, because I asked for it so he felt to finally get me off his back, he was gonna give it to me.  It was painful to read, but I swallowed my pride and tried to take his points and comment on them, point by point, hoping to alleviate some of the anger he had towards me.

For all my good intentions and swallowed pride, all it did was have him come back to me with this, "I have no regrets about ending this because my side of the street was clean.  If I hurt you I am sorry.  Please forgive me. Love you too much to feed this part of you.."

(I don't know what this means.)

But man alive, If that aint closure, I don't know what is.

And I've been bawling my eyes out all day long as a result.  It's okay.  I need to do this and truly mourn this relationship because like a death, it will never come back to life, so I am mourning and crying and praying and plan on putting this ALL behind me.

Tomorrow.

Ring?

Anyone want to purchase a gorgeous, never-been-officially-worn-by-me, absolutely STUNNING ring?  It doesn't necessarily have to be an engagement and/or wedding ring.  I tried it on my right hand and it looked fantastic on there too.  14-carat white gold, center stone is 1 carat, 250 small stones equal an additional 3 carats.  If interested, send me a note.  I'm serious.  I'd love to have this ring be worn proudly and happily.

Love to my blog family everywhere!  I'm doing great.  I really, really am!

DONE.

Okay - I guess it's finally time to tell my side of this story, which I'm still not completely clear about.

If you've ever followed any of my blogs, you know that I had a problem with debt at one time and blogged it to the world, letting you in on my evil secrets and as a result, I felt accountable to someone for the first time.

Your friendship and my parents enabled me to get out of that debt and eventually purchase a home of my own.

Well, over the past three years, I've managed to get myself into some credit card debt again.  My only excuse is the fact that I used one for a whole year and accumulated cash every time I used it.  I paid it off every month and then was able to get a good chunk of change back at the end of the year.  Sadly, the next year I had one month that I couldn't pay the entire amount and it snowballed from there.  With all of this said, I do have some debt, but I've always been able to pay more than the minimum balance and my credit score is close to 800.  I pay my bills.

One week after I have been engaged, my fiance brought up this debt (I had told him about it at the beginning of our relationship, but he didn't remember the conversation) and told me he felt like I was being deceitful, first having credit card debt in the first place and second not telling him about it.  I understand the second one (though I DID tell him), but the first one still baffles me to this day.  He felt like I maybe was not even be worthy to attend the temple.

Anyway, that, along with other things about me that he started having problems with, for example I wanted to get married earlier rather than later - I wanted my forever to start NOW, he felt like maybe I was a sex addict.  Honestly.  He said that to me and that he was concerned.  It hurt my feelings and I cried and eventually he realized that was an extreme assumption and he asked forgiveness.

But later on when things started getting nasty (and they got nasty FAST), he told me that my tears were manipulative and he felt I used them to try to make him feel bad.

If you know me at all, you know I cry at any emotion I feel - sadness, happiness, frustration, joy, fear, excitement, etc.  I cry and it's how I deal with my emotions.  And he doesn't believe in my tears.

He is the one who called off the wedding.  He felt like our finances were in such awful states that there was no way we were ready for marriage.  He then handed me my engagement ring still in the box (never worn - he had just picked it up from getting sized) and told me it was mine to do with what I wanted (I paid for it - nice that he let me keep it).

I told him I thought love was unconditional and he stated that love is, but marriage isn't.  To me they are one and the same and that statement did me in.  I knew we were through.

It's been rough.  I have no idea if it has been for him, as he has completely stopped communicating with me in every way, shape and form.  I, however, have had really low days, but more and more often, my days are getting better and they are mostly good and happy.

I loved being in love and I loved knowing he loved me, but at the end, I didn't feel like love should be so hurtful and needed to truly walk away from it all.  Even this decision didn't come right away and it didn't come easily as I didn't want to give up.  But the longer it has been, the more my heart is at peace with this decision and I'm grateful for loving family and friends who KNOW me and who truly LOVE me and have been there for me.

So there you have it.  If you're confused, that's okay.  So am I.  I don't think this is something I will ever truly have closure over, and I have to have faith that that's okay.

Thank you to YOU who are reading this and caring enough to want to know about me and what happened.  I wish I could have been clearer, but just know you are not alone in the confusion.

Prayers

If you feel like you're up to it, I need your prayers today.  I am not at liberty to say specifically what for, but prayers on my behalf can only be helpful.  Please and thank you.

Tara

MARRIED!

Wow.  What a three weeks this has been.  Nothing but absolutely WONDERFUL.  Let me tell you about my love story:

On June 9, 2012, I went on my first date with Jim Merrell.  It was a restaurant date and all we did was eat and talk, then talk and talk and talk.  Jim has been through some trying times in his life and has overcome some incredible obstacles and he wanted me to know everything.

Again, on our first date.

The thing is, what he shared with me did not frighten me or discourage me or do anything but make me want to know him more.

I went home that evening with the beginnings of butterflies, knowing this was someone special.  Special enough that that same evening, I texted him asking if he'd like to go to Sunday dinner with me at my sister and brother-in-law's home, along with their seven noisy children.  I wanted him to meet my family and I wanted my family to meet him (and frankly give me their opinion of him). He accepted and we chatted via text for about an hour longer.  This is after spending four hours with him chatting.

I was really digging him.

Sunday came and I went over to my sister's home.  She warned her kids that they needed to be on their best behavior.  I then told them they could act any way they wanted to, that I didn't want him to get a skewered idea of who they were and how they were.  I wanted him to get the full picture.  My family is VERY important to me and wanted him to see them how I see them.

They didn't disappoint and were awesome towards Jim and he enjoyed them, though most of his time was spent with Ron (turns out they grew up together in and around Duncan, Arizona and had so many people in common they spent most of the evening catching up).

I called Ron on my way home and he gave me the thumbs up.  Now it's time for the fun to begin.

He and I made plans to see each other the following Saturday for pizza and a movie at my house.  On Monday, he was planning on attending family home evening in his ward with the other singles.  He ended up not going and through about a million hints, he finally figured out that I wanted him to come over to do the pizza/movie thing instead of waiting clear until Saturday.

At one point he said, "Oh wait!  You want me to come over TONIGHT and do something different on Saturday?"  Duh.  I've had to learn that he does not do hints.  At all.

He came, we snuggled (only after I laid my head on my shoulder first, then he got a clue and took my hand) and that was truly the beginning of our relationship.  I love yous were said by that Wednesday, jewelry (matching ring, earrings and necklace) was given to me by Thursday and by Friday night we were talking about our future and WHEN we got married, no longer IF we got married.

We just knew, and our love and friendship grew each day after that.

His lovely mother got married to her high school sweetheart (his dad passed away in 2010 - a year after my dad passed away) this past Saturday, June 30, 2012, in Safford, Arizona.  I had the privilege of attending with Jim and I got to meet most of his family (he is the youngest of 9 children, 8 of whom are still living).  It was a sweet ceremony and an enjoyable reception with lots of people and lots of kids and lots of relatives to meet.

Towards the end of the party, Jim asked me to sit and visit with his mom to get to know her better. I wanted to do this, but needed to use the restroom first.  In all honesty, I didn't really need to use the restroom, I just need a time out moment to catch my breath and not be stared at.  I guess I was in there a while because from what I heard later, Jim was climbing the walls wondering where I was.

I came back in the room and sat down next to his mom.  He made sure I was comfortable and doing okay, then proceeded to stand up, ask for everyone's attention, then got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.

I said YES and we hugged and kissed and were applauded by everyone in the room and Jim and I are now getting married on November 23, 2012, in the Mesa, Arizona temple.

I am so happy and have never loved someone so deeply as I do this man.  I am so grateful for the challenges I have faced this year to help me be ready for him.  I know without a doubt in my mind that the Lord put us both in each other's paths at this specific time.  We would not have been ready for each other any sooner.

James Reed Merrell and Tara LaRue ARE GETTING MARRIED!

Love.

I am in love.

Most of you know this, as I'm not shy in sharing it on Facebook (sorry Mom).  Let's start at the very beginning...

(You have that song in your mind now, don't you?)

Back in 1987, I was in a seminary class with Brother Noble.  A fella by the name of Jim Merrell sat near me and noticed me due to the fact that I told another fella to quit being a jerk (or something of that nature).

Fast forward 23 years, when Jim Merrell sent a Facebook friend request to me.  I remembered him and for this reason, accepted said request (I usually don't accept requests from people I don't know or don't remember - learned that lesson the hard way).

Slow forward one more year, and Jim Merrell was admonished by his bishop to start dating.

This is when things got fun.

Jim sent me an email through Facebook stating, "Ok, it has been years since I did this. I know you probably do not remember me.  I took myself out of the dating scene years ago, but I am wondering, would you be interested in going out on a date with me this Saturday evening, or next weekend?"

I told him I was available either weekend and offered him my cell number and regular email address.  He called me the next day to confirm plans, and a date was set.

Because I live in south Egypt (San Tan Valley) and he lives in Scottsdale, we decided to meet at Superstition Springs area and then went to dinner together from there.

That's when the talking and sharing and laughing started.  That date lasted four hours, and all we did was talk.

And since June 9, he and I have only missed one day of not seeing each other.  And every time we see each other, we talk and share and laugh some more.

I love him.  On a level that is so much deeper than anything I have ever shared with anyone.  Ever.

And man alive, I AM HAPPY.