Closure.

Well, I asked for it.

Since we broke up, I have never felt any kind of closure with him.  He stopped talking to me and the little bit of communication he did with me was very clinical and not very direct.

I have been pleading with the Lord to give me closure, so I can truly move on.  I didn't realize how much I carried a hope that this was just a hiccup and things would eventually resume between the two of us, both of us stronger and more mature and more eyes wide open.

I let him know I had some stuff of his I needed to get to him and I sent him a text asking where I could bring it.  He gave me a location that I could leave the bag and he would pick it up later, so I did that.

But doing that opened up a little thread of communication with him and me being me, I pushed him on telling me what happened and why it happened and why it couldn't be fixed.  He was vague and a little ridiculous in some of his answers to me (all of this via text) last night, but it was enough that I felt like answers were coming.

I got a looooooooooooooong text from him this morning telling me everything that was wrong with me in this relationship, because I asked for it so he felt to finally get me off his back, he was gonna give it to me.  It was painful to read, but I swallowed my pride and tried to take his points and comment on them, point by point, hoping to alleviate some of the anger he had towards me.

For all my good intentions and swallowed pride, all it did was have him come back to me with this, "I have no regrets about ending this because my side of the street was clean.  If I hurt you I am sorry.  Please forgive me. Love you too much to feed this part of you.."

(I don't know what this means.)

But man alive, If that aint closure, I don't know what is.

And I've been bawling my eyes out all day long as a result.  It's okay.  I need to do this and truly mourn this relationship because like a death, it will never come back to life, so I am mourning and crying and praying and plan on putting this ALL behind me.

Tomorrow.

Ring?

Anyone want to purchase a gorgeous, never-been-officially-worn-by-me, absolutely STUNNING ring?  It doesn't necessarily have to be an engagement and/or wedding ring.  I tried it on my right hand and it looked fantastic on there too.  14-carat white gold, center stone is 1 carat, 250 small stones equal an additional 3 carats.  If interested, send me a note.  I'm serious.  I'd love to have this ring be worn proudly and happily.

Love to my blog family everywhere!  I'm doing great.  I really, really am!

DONE.

Okay - I guess it's finally time to tell my side of this story, which I'm still not completely clear about.

If you've ever followed any of my blogs, you know that I had a problem with debt at one time and blogged it to the world, letting you in on my evil secrets and as a result, I felt accountable to someone for the first time.

Your friendship and my parents enabled me to get out of that debt and eventually purchase a home of my own.

Well, over the past three years, I've managed to get myself into some credit card debt again.  My only excuse is the fact that I used one for a whole year and accumulated cash every time I used it.  I paid it off every month and then was able to get a good chunk of change back at the end of the year.  Sadly, the next year I had one month that I couldn't pay the entire amount and it snowballed from there.  With all of this said, I do have some debt, but I've always been able to pay more than the minimum balance and my credit score is close to 800.  I pay my bills.

One week after I have been engaged, my fiance brought up this debt (I had told him about it at the beginning of our relationship, but he didn't remember the conversation) and told me he felt like I was being deceitful, first having credit card debt in the first place and second not telling him about it.  I understand the second one (though I DID tell him), but the first one still baffles me to this day.  He felt like I maybe was not even be worthy to attend the temple.

Anyway, that, along with other things about me that he started having problems with, for example I wanted to get married earlier rather than later - I wanted my forever to start NOW, he felt like maybe I was a sex addict.  Honestly.  He said that to me and that he was concerned.  It hurt my feelings and I cried and eventually he realized that was an extreme assumption and he asked forgiveness.

But later on when things started getting nasty (and they got nasty FAST), he told me that my tears were manipulative and he felt I used them to try to make him feel bad.

If you know me at all, you know I cry at any emotion I feel - sadness, happiness, frustration, joy, fear, excitement, etc.  I cry and it's how I deal with my emotions.  And he doesn't believe in my tears.

He is the one who called off the wedding.  He felt like our finances were in such awful states that there was no way we were ready for marriage.  He then handed me my engagement ring still in the box (never worn - he had just picked it up from getting sized) and told me it was mine to do with what I wanted (I paid for it - nice that he let me keep it).

I told him I thought love was unconditional and he stated that love is, but marriage isn't.  To me they are one and the same and that statement did me in.  I knew we were through.

It's been rough.  I have no idea if it has been for him, as he has completely stopped communicating with me in every way, shape and form.  I, however, have had really low days, but more and more often, my days are getting better and they are mostly good and happy.

I loved being in love and I loved knowing he loved me, but at the end, I didn't feel like love should be so hurtful and needed to truly walk away from it all.  Even this decision didn't come right away and it didn't come easily as I didn't want to give up.  But the longer it has been, the more my heart is at peace with this decision and I'm grateful for loving family and friends who KNOW me and who truly LOVE me and have been there for me.

So there you have it.  If you're confused, that's okay.  So am I.  I don't think this is something I will ever truly have closure over, and I have to have faith that that's okay.

Thank you to YOU who are reading this and caring enough to want to know about me and what happened.  I wish I could have been clearer, but just know you are not alone in the confusion.

Prayers

If you feel like you're up to it, I need your prayers today.  I am not at liberty to say specifically what for, but prayers on my behalf can only be helpful.  Please and thank you.

Tara

MARRIED!

Wow.  What a three weeks this has been.  Nothing but absolutely WONDERFUL.  Let me tell you about my love story:

On June 9, 2012, I went on my first date with Jim Merrell.  It was a restaurant date and all we did was eat and talk, then talk and talk and talk.  Jim has been through some trying times in his life and has overcome some incredible obstacles and he wanted me to know everything.

Again, on our first date.

The thing is, what he shared with me did not frighten me or discourage me or do anything but make me want to know him more.

I went home that evening with the beginnings of butterflies, knowing this was someone special.  Special enough that that same evening, I texted him asking if he'd like to go to Sunday dinner with me at my sister and brother-in-law's home, along with their seven noisy children.  I wanted him to meet my family and I wanted my family to meet him (and frankly give me their opinion of him). He accepted and we chatted via text for about an hour longer.  This is after spending four hours with him chatting.

I was really digging him.

Sunday came and I went over to my sister's home.  She warned her kids that they needed to be on their best behavior.  I then told them they could act any way they wanted to, that I didn't want him to get a skewered idea of who they were and how they were.  I wanted him to get the full picture.  My family is VERY important to me and wanted him to see them how I see them.

They didn't disappoint and were awesome towards Jim and he enjoyed them, though most of his time was spent with Ron (turns out they grew up together in and around Duncan, Arizona and had so many people in common they spent most of the evening catching up).

I called Ron on my way home and he gave me the thumbs up.  Now it's time for the fun to begin.

He and I made plans to see each other the following Saturday for pizza and a movie at my house.  On Monday, he was planning on attending family home evening in his ward with the other singles.  He ended up not going and through about a million hints, he finally figured out that I wanted him to come over to do the pizza/movie thing instead of waiting clear until Saturday.

At one point he said, "Oh wait!  You want me to come over TONIGHT and do something different on Saturday?"  Duh.  I've had to learn that he does not do hints.  At all.

He came, we snuggled (only after I laid my head on my shoulder first, then he got a clue and took my hand) and that was truly the beginning of our relationship.  I love yous were said by that Wednesday, jewelry (matching ring, earrings and necklace) was given to me by Thursday and by Friday night we were talking about our future and WHEN we got married, no longer IF we got married.

We just knew, and our love and friendship grew each day after that.

His lovely mother got married to her high school sweetheart (his dad passed away in 2010 - a year after my dad passed away) this past Saturday, June 30, 2012, in Safford, Arizona.  I had the privilege of attending with Jim and I got to meet most of his family (he is the youngest of 9 children, 8 of whom are still living).  It was a sweet ceremony and an enjoyable reception with lots of people and lots of kids and lots of relatives to meet.

Towards the end of the party, Jim asked me to sit and visit with his mom to get to know her better. I wanted to do this, but needed to use the restroom first.  In all honesty, I didn't really need to use the restroom, I just need a time out moment to catch my breath and not be stared at.  I guess I was in there a while because from what I heard later, Jim was climbing the walls wondering where I was.

I came back in the room and sat down next to his mom.  He made sure I was comfortable and doing okay, then proceeded to stand up, ask for everyone's attention, then got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.

I said YES and we hugged and kissed and were applauded by everyone in the room and Jim and I are now getting married on November 23, 2012, in the Mesa, Arizona temple.

I am so happy and have never loved someone so deeply as I do this man.  I am so grateful for the challenges I have faced this year to help me be ready for him.  I know without a doubt in my mind that the Lord put us both in each other's paths at this specific time.  We would not have been ready for each other any sooner.

James Reed Merrell and Tara LaRue ARE GETTING MARRIED!

Love.

I am in love.

Most of you know this, as I'm not shy in sharing it on Facebook (sorry Mom).  Let's start at the very beginning...

(You have that song in your mind now, don't you?)

Back in 1987, I was in a seminary class with Brother Noble.  A fella by the name of Jim Merrell sat near me and noticed me due to the fact that I told another fella to quit being a jerk (or something of that nature).

Fast forward 23 years, when Jim Merrell sent a Facebook friend request to me.  I remembered him and for this reason, accepted said request (I usually don't accept requests from people I don't know or don't remember - learned that lesson the hard way).

Slow forward one more year, and Jim Merrell was admonished by his bishop to start dating.

This is when things got fun.

Jim sent me an email through Facebook stating, "Ok, it has been years since I did this. I know you probably do not remember me.  I took myself out of the dating scene years ago, but I am wondering, would you be interested in going out on a date with me this Saturday evening, or next weekend?"

I told him I was available either weekend and offered him my cell number and regular email address.  He called me the next day to confirm plans, and a date was set.

Because I live in south Egypt (San Tan Valley) and he lives in Scottsdale, we decided to meet at Superstition Springs area and then went to dinner together from there.

That's when the talking and sharing and laughing started.  That date lasted four hours, and all we did was talk.

And since June 9, he and I have only missed one day of not seeing each other.  And every time we see each other, we talk and share and laugh some more.

I love him.  On a level that is so much deeper than anything I have ever shared with anyone.  Ever.

And man alive, I AM HAPPY.

Arizona in the 80s

I posted this on another blog I did a couple of years ago.  I was going through that blog today and enjoyed this so much I thought I would share again.  Feel free to add additional numbers in the comments if you can think of other things...

1) Would have done anything for a Ladmo bag.
2) Tired to fry an egg on the sidewalk.
3) Can still remember the words to the hepatitis song.
4) Spent way too many summer days in a mall.
5) Remember KZZP.
6) Went ice skating at Metrocenter.
7) Get irritated when people say "yeah, but it's a dry heat."
8) Have red burnt cheeks in every childhood picture.
9) Had a pool in your backyard.
10) Vacationed in San Diego or Rocky Point.
11) Know what it feels like to come out of an icy cold movie theater into 110 degree heat.
12) Saw your mom drive with potholders.
13) Know what "tubing" means.
14) Have been "ice blocking."
15) Have a T-shirt that says "I survived the hottest day in Phoenix history" referring to that summer day in 1990 when it got up to 122 degree in the shade.
16) Consider yourself a "Zonie."
17) Ever put Christmas lights on a cactus.
19) Burnt the bottom of your feet running out to get the mail because you were too lazy to put on shoes.
20) Know some Spanish even though you never studied it.
21) Won hot pink scrunchies at Metro Midway!
22) Enjoyed making song requests at Organ Stop Pizza.
23) Got in trouble for leaving crayons in the back seat of the car.
24) Are not intimidated by a Super Big Gulp.
25) Your heroes were Kevin Johnson (KJ), Mark West, and Tom Chambers.
26) Had to pay full replacement price for the rented VCR tape you left in your car.
27) Shopped at Goldwaters, Broadway Southwest, Federated or Diamonds.
28) Remember Dave Pratt the Morning Mayor on 98 KUPD.
29) Can count the number of times it snowed in Phoenix on one hand.
30) Stood in line to watch movies at the original Cine Capri.
31) Snow Cones and brain freezes made summer worthwhile.
32) Cried when Wallace and Ladmo went off the air
33) Went to Pistol Pete's pizza, ShowBiz pizza, and can recall Tex Critters at MetroCenter
34) Thought Streets of New York had the best pizza in Phoenix at 19th and Northern
35) Remember Gemco
36) Ate at Furr's Cafeteria
37) Shopped at Mervyn's
38) Saw your first concert at the Arizona State Fair
39) Remember the Madhouse at Macdowell (Purple Palace)
40) Remember Suns Fever
41) Recall Thunder Dan
42) Mourned the loss of Cotton Fitzsimmons
43) Believed in the 100 year flood
44) Did the hokey pokey at Great Skate.
45) Cruised Central, Metro or Mill Avenue.
46) Worried about drive by shootings at school.
47) Remember only TWO freeways either the I-10 or I-17.
48) Remember who Rose Mofford or Evan Mecham is.
49) Know what Sonoyta Motors is.
50) Know what Price Club is (and when there was only 1).
51) Had Dimension Cable.
52) Know what the Phoenix Gazette is.
53) Went to Legend City or Compton Terrace.
54) Know what Yellow Front, Lucky's, Smittys, Skaggs, AJ Bayless, are.
55) Suffered with a swamp cooler.
56) Went boogie boarding on irrigation day.
57) Fished in the canal.
58) Went to the hot air balloon races at Thunderbird.
59) Thought 19th Ave and Cactus was in the boonies.
60) Speaking of the boonies - drank in the desert with the rest of your high school friends until the bright light of the helicopter came blaring down.
61) Were ever excited about your appearance on "Pets on Parade."
62) Suffered the consequences of leaving your sister's favorite vinyl record in the car.
63) Remember your parents voting (or not voting for) for the monorail.
64) Thought Big Surf was Rad!
65) Danced at Club Rio.
66) Remember Tex Earnhardt and his "No Bull commercials"
67) Attended a birthday party in a railroad car at the McDonald's on Bethany Home and 23rd Ave.
68) Remember the Dr. Demento show on KZZP every Sunday night.
69) Burned your hand trying to open your locker at school.
70) Locking your car doors as soon as you got south of Bethany Home.
71) Wished you lived in California.
72) Didn't believe that High schools actually had indoor halls and full size lockers like they do on TV.
73) Didn't go to the park until AFTER dark.
74) Sweatband were not just a fashion statement.
75) Your Hypercolor T-shirt was permanently a different color under your arms.
76) Knew not to shoot at a Saguaro because it could fall over on you and kill you.
77) Thought Flagstaff was REALLY cold.
78) Always saw at least 10 people you knew on Mission Beach (San Diego)
79) Knew who worked on Van Buren.
80) Remember when the Roadrunners were the only hockey game in town
81) Remember when Buckeye was BFE
82) Wore jellies in the summer even though you had really bad feet sweat.
83) Went to see Santa @ Westridge Mall (that was the best one with the whole set up).
84) Remember when Ahwatukee was a retirement community half way to Tucson.
85) Remember 50 cent movie Tuesdays at Valley West Mall
86) Have a scar on the back of your thighs from the 3rd degree burns sustained from the metal clip your seat belt clicked in to. No protection given from the OP short ,shorts.
87) Remember the orange trees planted all the way down the middle of Black Canyon Freeway (Now called I-17).
88) Ever get your butt and legs burned by metal slides at the Whataburger across from Metrocenter? (What sadist would put metal slides on a kids playground in Phoenix????!!)
89) Remember when Sun City wasn't connected to the rest of the valley?
90) Ever have brunch at Mother Tuckers?
91) Remember when it only took 2 hours to drive to Flagstaff
92) Going to slide rock in Sedona and hoping it wasn't closed due to high levels of bacteria in the water!
93) Remember when Terminal 2 was the only passenger terminal at Sky Harbor and you had to walk on the tarmac.
94) Got free tokens at the Valley West Mall arcade for good grades on your report card
95) Celebrated a birthday at Ed Debevick's
96) Thought Bobby McGee's was the coolest restaurant ever
97) Ever rode the "crack the whip" ride at Encanto Park.
98) Ever got attached by a jumping cactus
99) Know what to do when you hear a rattle in the desert.
100) Used to shop at LaBelles, eat lunch at Liberty Bell Pizza or get soda at the U-TOTEM on Cactus.
101) Remember the commercial about Valley Fever..."Dustyyyy, dustyyyy, dustyyyy"!
101) Remember when you could get 2 tacos and a small drink at Taco Bell for $2
102) Had hot air balloons land in your backyard when you lived on 75th Ave and Bell by the orange groves known now as "Arrowhead Mall"
103) Witnessed the shock when the "art" on the 51 when installed. (Referring to the lovely toilet and large silver sphere.)
104) Had the bell run for their birthday at Farrell's (Christown)
105) Remember going to the Phoenix Firebirds baseball games
106) Remember Dewey Hopper-the weather guy who always wore school t-shirts,
107) Watched World Beyond on Sat. mornings.
108) Ate at Bob's Big Boy.

Cry-ee-eye-ee-eyeing...

(Can you hear the song in your mind based on my title?  You're welcome.)

I'm a cry-er.  And not a pretty cry-er where the tears just fall nicely in large drops down one's face, waiting for my loved one's finger to gently brush it away. (Ba ha ha ha ha ha ha - does ANYONE have that happen to them?!?)

No, I'm an ugly cry-er with snot falling faster than the tears (though the tears gives the snot a good race), my eyes turn bloodshot red almost instantly, usually shoulders are bobbing up and down when I'm REALLY upset, and I cannot for the life of me just be able to stop the tears because I want to.  Once the ugly cry starts, I have to let it finish.  On it's own time.  Like it had a life of it's own.

Up to just a couple of days ago, I HATED the fact that this is what happens to me when I am frustrated or sad or angry or even touched.

To me, I always thought crying meant weakness and weakness was NOT a trait that was looked kindly upon, by myself and by others.

But I've decided when we (meaning me) cry, it's a release of emotions (good, bad, sad and all those in between).  It's healthy and ensures things aren't being bottled up too often, which, in my non-expert opinion, could really cause some damage.

Girls are lucky in the sense that if they cry, it's considered fairly normal.  When boys/men cry, they are deemed a wimp or weak.

And that's unfortunate, because it really shouldn't be that way and in my opinion, is NOT that way.

I work in a law office and today I had to call a company about an issue that I have never dealt with before.  The woman on the other end of the phone was not nice to me and out of my frustration I started bawling, but being pretty new to this office and industry, I berated myself and told myself to suck it up (thanks for that Leslie) and was actually able to stop the tears.

But shortly thereafter, I had to go to a doctor's visit.  When the doc asked me how things were going, I started crying all over again.  For no reason.  I told him as much and he was content with my explanation (he's an OB/GYN - he deals with tears all day long I suspect) and walked out of the room.

I think I wasn't really finished with the first cry and with the compassion shown on my doc's face, the rest of the tears decided they needed to fall, in all of their ugly-glory-ness.  Luckily, still being in the doc's office with the door shut, I had time to allow the ugliness to happen and then stop, with lots and lots and lots of tissues being sacrificed for my sake.

And I felt better.

And have decided I'm not going to apologize for my tears.

A sobbing Tara is a healthier Tara and you can just go cry me a river if you don't agree (and you'll be in good company if you do)...

Forgiveness.

A personal offense is like a scratch on a phonograph record. I couldn't move my thoughts beyond my pain. It kept repeating, as if I were stuck within its grooves. There was only one way to play beyond it. I had to forgive them, so my heart could take its form again.

--Laurel Lee

I had an interesting and wonderful experience yesterday that I want to share.  I was in the temple, preparing to attend the sealing of a friend of mine to her sweetheart of about 11 weeks (it's a wonderful story).  She and I have been close friends for years.

We have another "friend" in common that had done something to someone that I love years ago.  I was angry at this person for years and years and felt like I didn't need to ever care about or be seen with or protect or help or be nice to them ever again.  I felt good about this unconscious decision.  Funnily enough, the loved one that was hurt by this person has probably never given it another thought and has never brought up the offender or situation to me in all these years since.

Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.

--William Arthur Ward

Not surprising, this person was in the temple to attend this same sealing (we were both close to the bride) and because we had time (we were both quite early) we started talking.  All of my feelings of anger and hurt and pride and indignation never surfaced.  Not once.  In that moment, I realized I had missed this person and the reason why we were friends to begin with.

Forgiveness is the economy of the heart... forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits.

--Hannah More

In the middle of this person's conversation to me, I stopped them and told them I had a question for them.  They smiled at me in anticipation and the look on their face when I asked for forgiveness was of surprise and bewilderment.  I didn't tell them why I was angry at them (and they didn't ask), just letting them know that it had to do with a past situation, and that I had been harboring anger and sadness and (again) indignation towards them.  In that moment, it was all completely gone and I was crying to this person to forgive me and my pride.

May God help us to be a little kinder, showing forth greater forbearance, to be more forgiving, more willing to walk the second mile, to reach down and lift up those who may have sinned but have brought forth the fruits of repentance, to lay aside old grudges and nurture them no more.

--Gordon B. Hinckley

This person just laughed and took me in a huge hug and said I was forgiven and that they hoped I could forgive them for whatever it was I was angry about.  OF COURSE.

I'm not telling you this to say, "Well done Tara!" or "You're amazing!"  This whole scenario came out of NOWHERE.  Seriously.  I haven't been dwelling on this person or the situation at all and felt that no forgiveness was needed on my end because frankly, I was over it and over this person.

In the instant I asked for forgiveness and was granted it by this person, a weight was lifted that I had no idea I'd been carrying.  Seriously.  It was an amazing moment and I liked myself just a little bit more yesterday.

Methinks progress is being made here folks...

Why?

I recently reconnected with a friend who was tentative in asking me this question that I tend to get asked a whole lot:

Why aren't you married?

I'm 41 years old and have never been married.  I'm not ugly, though I am a bit fluffy.  I'm kind and considerate and have compassion out the wazoo.  I'm friendly and smiley and more often than not I'm a rather sunshiney person (that gagging sound was my sisters' reaction to this last statement).

What AM I not married?

I think Father has a slightly different plan for me.  I think "my" kids have needed me in a way that they couldn't have had access to if I had a family of my own.  I think I needed to learn and continue to learn how to be my true self.  I need to love (heck, I'll even settle for like) myself more before I can ever ask anyone to love me for always.  I think I needed to and continue to need to improve myself.  I didn't finish college (not even to an AA degree) and I think this on-the-job education is something that is necessary for me.

I continually need to learn the value of a dollar.

I needed to know how to work through a non-death-in-the-family hurt so big my breath was continually being sucked out (still a work in progress in this).  I needed and still need to learn how to serve unselfishly.

I also think my talking/blogging/writing about things that are usually taboo is something I would have never done with a husband/children to worry about and care for.  Being alone has me in my head A LOT and sharing my struggles and triumphs with the world (all 3 of you) has given me confidence to face the world head on.

It's given me a voice.

I want to be married.  I want to love someone as much as he loves me.  The thrills/joys/pangs/heartbreaks of motherhood has been in my heart for a very long time, which I think is why it's helped me be a good aunt to "my" kids, as well as other children who were put in my path.  I do have hope and plead with the Lord often for these blessings to be mine on this earth.

But in the meantime, I'm trying to figure out how to just be me as I am today.

And how to be happy with it...