For the past two days, I have been lying low dealing with a migraine. It started as a headache off and on all day on Sunday. I woke up Monday with a massive heartbeat type of feel over my right eye. I took one of my muscle relaxers and went back to bed. Woke up again and it was worse - the throbbing had moved to all over my eyes and sinuses and neck and it stayed that way all day long.
I felt a little bit better last night and was hoping for a good, normal day at work again, until I woke up early this morning feeling just as awful as yesterday, but today I have little pimples all over my lower lip. Strangest thing I've ever dealt with. Along with more muscle relaxers, I've been swabbing hydrogen peroxide all over my face about every hour.
I'm a mess and I hurt and I am down down DOWN.
I am a 1099 employee and don't get any paid time off. So to miss two days of work is really hard on my pocketbook, especially since I get paid less than what I did when I left Infusionsoft. Quite a bit less.
And this, sadly, adds to my depression. I was able to deal with broken engagements and cruel words without being too terribly depressed about it - yes I was sad and hurt, but depression never set in. Now that I'm down with a migraine, pimples everywhere, hurting and being able to do nothing but think, depression has settled in a bit and I'm reliving/rehashing all the things that was said to me during Jim's email/texting tirade against me.
They weren't pretty words and some of them are rather damaging.
I know Father loves me and I know He took me out of a potentially harmful situation and I'm grateful for Him, for my family and for my friends who I love dearly and who I know dearly love me. But sometimes, the words break through and I'm not nice to myself.
I'm just writing this down so I remember feeling this way. I have found when I write things down, I can deal with them better and process them properly, rather than hang on to them or chew on them longer than they deserve to have attention brought to them.
We watched a video in Relief Society yesterday - I loved it and identified with it and I think it's part of the reason why I'm finally allowing myself to really process some of the things said. Take a look:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3QCkBL2DfVg
I pray during this migraining time that I can chisel away some of these ugly words that were put in to my head, not only by a certain someone, but they were put there by myself as well. I'm not kind to myself and, well, how dare I not be kind of one of Father's children?
Pray these migraines and pimples (and pimples sounds like a teenybopper thing - these are like welts/boils) and ugly thoughts turn into something productive and helpful and helps me be a better person to those of you out there who care to read my thoughts anyway.
I want to serve and I pray that I get more of those opportunities to serve you. I have had my share of those serving me and all I want to do is repay the kindness and goodness of others. But I need to be kind to myself in order to be kind to others.
Why is that so hard?
What a message in that video. I've sent it on to two others who I know will benefit.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're migraining. My hubby lost his crippling daily migraines of some 30 years after having his food tolerances analyzed and finding he had high sensitivity to gluten, dairy, and eggs, and then completely omitting them. After a few months, he gradually reintroduced them. This was about five years ago, Now, as long as he only eats those foods in limited amounts, he is migraine free. He was on an Excedrin treadmill for decades, and now never has to use it. His naturopathic doctor was Dr. Jessica Bramsted, 2470 S Val Vista Dr # 104, Gilbert, AZ 85295, 480-981-1960.
RE your terminated engagement: Years ago a wise man officiating at a temple sealing said that in marriage there is no such thing as CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. We took it to heart and have found it to be true. Any criticisms we have shared with one another have been rare, encapsulated, prayed about, and very carefully considered. (Except when the hubby follows the car ahead of him too closely.)
Tara, I've been meaning to write to you but every time I read I'm on my phone and it's hard to type! Ahhhh,so here goes on my phone. Remember that people who choose to speak and say unkind things about another and tear someone else down, is just a reflection of how they feel inside about themselves. The negativity is not about you, it's about him. Leave it with him. I've also wanted to say ditto to everything else that people have said. You really are lucky to not have landed in his mess with a marriage. It takes two to make a marriage work and we all have give and take in our relationships and things to work on. It's how it goes. For one person to say he has nothing to work on is your clear indication that he has a lot to work on. The other things he said are just downright bizarre and seems to also be indicative of some major issues. Sometimes we wonder how things could feel so right and turn out so wrong. I've had lots of these experiences and inevitably there have been things that God needed me to learn from the experience, which have helped me navigate through future experiences more wisely. As hard as it may be, chalk it up to lessons learned and try to move on from giving this guy any more space in your head or any power over your day! I sure hope your migraine goes away and you feel better!
ReplyDeleteTara,
ReplyDeleteI'll pray for you. Remember we all have trials, but it's how we deal with our trials that count. You are a strong woman. I have a thought on my desk that I read everyday. "Trials are mandatory -- Misery is optional.
Love you my friend.
Tara,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your courage in sharing these personal struggles in your life with us. Your thoughts and feelings about your trials help me to deal with my own life struggles. I hope your migraine goes away soon. Migraines, anxiety, depression & Fibromyalgia are an ongoing struggle for me. I am trying to look at it as a chronic illness that needs to be managed, kind of like diabetes. Thanks so much for allowing me to share in your life! You are so brave & strong!
Tara,
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel better. I'm sorry you are having headaches again. I hope it's just temporary. Don't even consider the things that were said to you in a hurtful manner. You know they are not true. We know they are not true. You are a wonderful woman and we all love you. Get better.