DONE.

Okay - I guess it's finally time to tell my side of this story, which I'm still not completely clear about.

If you've ever followed any of my blogs, you know that I had a problem with debt at one time and blogged it to the world, letting you in on my evil secrets and as a result, I felt accountable to someone for the first time.

Your friendship and my parents enabled me to get out of that debt and eventually purchase a home of my own.

Well, over the past three years, I've managed to get myself into some credit card debt again.  My only excuse is the fact that I used one for a whole year and accumulated cash every time I used it.  I paid it off every month and then was able to get a good chunk of change back at the end of the year.  Sadly, the next year I had one month that I couldn't pay the entire amount and it snowballed from there.  With all of this said, I do have some debt, but I've always been able to pay more than the minimum balance and my credit score is close to 800.  I pay my bills.

One week after I have been engaged, my fiance brought up this debt (I had told him about it at the beginning of our relationship, but he didn't remember the conversation) and told me he felt like I was being deceitful, first having credit card debt in the first place and second not telling him about it.  I understand the second one (though I DID tell him), but the first one still baffles me to this day.  He felt like I maybe was not even be worthy to attend the temple.

Anyway, that, along with other things about me that he started having problems with, for example I wanted to get married earlier rather than later - I wanted my forever to start NOW, he felt like maybe I was a sex addict.  Honestly.  He said that to me and that he was concerned.  It hurt my feelings and I cried and eventually he realized that was an extreme assumption and he asked forgiveness.

But later on when things started getting nasty (and they got nasty FAST), he told me that my tears were manipulative and he felt I used them to try to make him feel bad.

If you know me at all, you know I cry at any emotion I feel - sadness, happiness, frustration, joy, fear, excitement, etc.  I cry and it's how I deal with my emotions.  And he doesn't believe in my tears.

He is the one who called off the wedding.  He felt like our finances were in such awful states that there was no way we were ready for marriage.  He then handed me my engagement ring still in the box (never worn - he had just picked it up from getting sized) and told me it was mine to do with what I wanted (I paid for it - nice that he let me keep it).

I told him I thought love was unconditional and he stated that love is, but marriage isn't.  To me they are one and the same and that statement did me in.  I knew we were through.

It's been rough.  I have no idea if it has been for him, as he has completely stopped communicating with me in every way, shape and form.  I, however, have had really low days, but more and more often, my days are getting better and they are mostly good and happy.

I loved being in love and I loved knowing he loved me, but at the end, I didn't feel like love should be so hurtful and needed to truly walk away from it all.  Even this decision didn't come right away and it didn't come easily as I didn't want to give up.  But the longer it has been, the more my heart is at peace with this decision and I'm grateful for loving family and friends who KNOW me and who truly LOVE me and have been there for me.

So there you have it.  If you're confused, that's okay.  So am I.  I don't think this is something I will ever truly have closure over, and I have to have faith that that's okay.

Thank you to YOU who are reading this and caring enough to want to know about me and what happened.  I wish I could have been clearer, but just know you are not alone in the confusion.